Truth time: I'm a very passionate, very loyal, very driven, very loving, very lonely person. There's more, but that's the primary set of feels that have ran through me this year.
DISCLAIMER: This is cathartic writing for me. You've been warned. If there is an off-chance that this post helps someone who stumbles across it: Good!
This post will be more of a factoid concerning Andrew Slac in the year of 2015 and my brain and the associated failings therein.
It's been a hard year. For a lot of people, not just me. I'm not saying it's been bad, just difficult or challenging, if you will. I've learned a great deal about myself, especially concerning my less productive attributes.
Today I learned that I am a very lonely person. This loneliness leads to fear and jealousy. It sucks. Example: When my very best friends have other plans and I can't hang out with them, I get jealous that they didn't choose to spend their time with me. It's childish, I know. I need my privacy, as does everyone, but I do have plenty of moments where I sit and wish I could be with my people when they are otherwise occupied.
Sometimes I get angry. Not sad or etc, but actually angry. Again: childish.
I learned early on that I have a very awkward view and grasp of the world. Things are generally stark black or white for me. I have to actively remind myself, sometimes verbally, that there are shades of grey for most everything, especially people. I hate it. Childish.
I've realized that, while I try to be a good friend and so forth, I miss things quite frequently. Lately I've lost some people from my social life (most likely for the best), and others I've inadvertently pushed away or haven't been the friend they've needed. My black and white view points me to a solution, and my stress pulls the trigger and guides the bullet down a very narrow minded path.
Bad metaphors aside: I've lost some things this year, some things have changed, and I've gained some things I never expected. Full truth: I'm having a hard time dealing.
Last night I didn't sleep. Today I've felt like what it must be like to take a gut punch from Dwane Johnson (my tummy hurts). In general, I have no idea where I fit. It's been a tough year with all the emotions and what not. I'm working on it. Full truth: See previous full truth.
Mid-DISCLAIMER: I'm generally fine and I'm not writing this for more than needing to get my thoughts out of my cluttered mind. I'd rather not continue having the two nightmares that have been flip-flopping for the past couple of weeks.
Sharing circle: These nightmares are as follows...
1. Waking paralysis. I pretty much guarantee that everyone has had this. That bullshit awake state where you can't move and can't scream, and there's "someone" inside your room who wishes to do you harm...Or maybe they don't...You don't know. Which might be worse.
2. I get cheated on. More often than not, they don't even...cease when I catch them. They seem to revel in it. Bastards. I have this dream a lot, and it's never starring anyone I have ever dated (for the most part). A lot of the time it's people I scant even know, sometimes not knowing them at all.
Full Truth: I've only been in a handful of relationships in the past few years and not one of them has any place in #2. No one actually cheated on me. It's just a fear I've held on to since high-school (when I was cheated on...WOOT). Yes yes...In this scenario I'm something of Ross Gellar.
DISCLAIMER...Again...catharsis. Sorry. Having a challenging year.
Those dreams deal with being helpless, which manifests when I feel lonely. I'm sharing this in the hopes that by doing so I grow stronger.
I have a theory. By making your strengths and weaknesses simple facts that you can easily talk about you remove the pain that is associated and therefor become stronger. Hence this post.
Thanks for playing along.
Have the Best Day You've Ever Had.
Monday, October 26, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
A Thought from 4 AM
I was reminded and assured why I want to be a writer. Part of it is the class, the clout, the feeling of performing and being selfishly appreciated. Part of it is the feeling of imparting wisdom or opinion or random thought to those around you, sort of the same rush I get from teaching anything. Most of it is how I feel when I write.
I really love my brain, and however I can communicate what goes on betwixt mine ears is a medium worth exploring. Writing is my jam. It makes me feel good, makes me happy, allows me to be introspective but at the same time organic and honest.
I was solidified in this thinking while at nerdcon. The final bolt into the chassis of my brain box was lying in bed after a day of panels in a peaceful city (SIDE NOTE: Go to Minneapolis. You're welcome).
I was lying down. It was about...4am? Yeah. Round then.
http://www.amazon.com/My-Fight-Your-Ronda-Rousey/dp/1941393268
I was reading My Fight/Your Fight by my future wife (Ronda Rousey, of course). Paraphrasing, there is a point in her tale where she has headed out into the world, young and angry and with things to prove. She is competing, and winning, and has the realization, over a box of Dunkin' Donuts, that she loves what she does and that she can do it for herself.
Thus is mine realization. Thanks everyone who makes nerdcon: stories possible, and thanks, Ronda. Your book is amazing, I learned from your experiences and I look forward to our nuptials (a word that I've spelled incorrectly my whole life. Learning is FUNdamental).
I love to write. I don't know how I'm going to make a living off of it (books, scripts, self help etc), but I want to make it my living.
It's the first job that I've really devoted growth to. I've spent a ton of time in other things, but I mostly just fell into them (dance included). Ethics and all that and so forth.
You're all awesome.
I'm still on vacation. New Orleans is an incredible place.
Have the Best Day You've Ever Had.
Andrew
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