I'm looking in the mirror right now - Side note, yes, already: I'm in a hotel and sitting at the desk and... Why is there always a mirror at desks in hotel rooms? Who's idea was this? It's creepy. Unless you're an animator. If this was some elegant plan by animators or hotel professionals for animators then kudos to the hotel industry and your support of cartoons! - I'm looking in the mirror and I'm seeing an adult for the first time in my life (which I may have said before but this is a blog and I give only the fucks given by the writing team of Lost (tm)). This is the first time I see an adult staring back at me that I can recall.
I'm letting that sink in. You have to sort of imagine your me at this point - unless you're 31, a quarter Italian, a professional dancer and have a background in acting, are an aspiring writer and - all things considered - fairly optimistic even though you have your down days. I'm letting it sink in that I have never before looked at my reflection and thought a man was looking back at me, only a boy. It's interesting.
I'm grateful for what I have, too, which is bountiful! Mostly I have the best things - love, family, hard earned talent and so on, friends... Money though, and the lack of worry about money most importantly continues to elude me.
I made this declaration that I was shifting and focusing careers this year. Working on it. This point...
Fuck this is boring. It is. Writing updates about my life is sooooooooo dull!
Demons are fun to write! Metaphorical ones: Somehow I see a fat shit when I take off my shirt and think I'm ugly. That sucks. What else? Bitch complain. So on. Blah. What else?
Jealousy is fun to write too! I'm a jealous prick about my friends when I'm in this mood. I have no advice other than you should just ride it out. A lot of people tell me to focus on what I can do and all that, but that is annoying. Helpful too! But annoying. I'll get over it eventually.
My friends work hard, me too, but when they succeed (and boy howdy do they ever), I sure wish I were them. That hurt to write.
Disclaimer! I had a hard few months and this is me venting. Sorry. It's all I know how to do aside from play a video game to clear my head, and I'm without my console ATM.
Manifesting is I think where I was going to go at some point. Not that it's the savior tool, so to speak, but more that I hate being told that the universe will provide if I manifest - especially wealth. It takes work, hard work, to get the things you want. Me? I want attention (selfish, I know, but I like being payed attention to), enough money to not worry about money (healthcare for my folks would be nice, paying for it that is), and to do whatever the fuck I want outside that...also abs and health for myself and love. I've got most of that (spoiler: abs are coming in season 2).
I'm a lonely person who still wants privacy to decompress. It's not uncommon or special to be like that. Pretty common actually.
I worry people I love think I hate them. I don't. I love them.
I worry people I don't like think we're homies. We're not. Ditto to the people who take advantage of me. Fuck you guys. You're terrible.
I like me, but I wouldn't say I take care of me yet. Working on that. Self esteem is new to me (at 31...jeez), and I'm still getting used to self care or whatever new buzz-term is ala-mode.
YEAR Goals:
Edit Crossroads (yes, the same first book) then sell the fuck out of it.
Finish book - project name: A1B
Housework - get rid of stuff that doesn't make me feel good.
Train - Gym, yoga (Megan is awesome), Dance (The D is the homie) / Project Code Named: JWDC...command?
Write book - project name: FEELS
Raise quality of self image and general life.
Spend more time doing the things that feed you, as little time as possible doing the things that feed off of you.
"Fuck you!" feels good to say!
I'm scared that after the next person I lose I will say this, "I wish..." because there isn't ever enough time.
I fear death. Not my death; others. So many people I've loved have died. I wish my kids (who aren't born or anything really) could have known my cousin. He'd be a better uncle than I am for damn sure.
I just got a great idea for a new show.
Destiny might be a thing, but I don't think so. Some people end up in a ditch on fire. Some never have hardship. No matter what, things just happen and you roll with it. Then again, maybe destiny is a thing and it's just not predetermined. That would make sense. Destiny is the last period in your story. Kind of a cool idea. I think Neil Gaimen should write it. Not Brandon Sanderson....though I bet the magic would be cool!
Dear 18 year old me,
You have a beard. Yes, still. You basically look the same except now you have muscle tone and a few wrinkles. Also tattoos! So many!
You will mostly be a writer, a dancer (and good at like...so many! Hard work! HARD FUCKIN' WORK!), and an entrepreneur! Also Taiko. Not kidding. You'll take a break from acting though. I know. I know.
Standard future stuff: No flying cars. Trump is president (Are you surprised? I wasn't). Shake weight...just...just wait for it. Your phone is more powerful that most everyone's computer. Racism is still a huge problem (Are you surprised? No?), as is sexism and gender equality (Surprised?). Electric cars: yes. Artistic revolution: yes. Real estate market...feh. BUY STOCKS IN AMAZON AND APPLE AND GOOGLE AND FACEBOOK! Don't worry about what a couple of those are, just do what I tell you!
You will have 9 shitty room mates and 1 good one. This includes wives. Shit. Spoiler alert.
You get married in four years! No joke! Spoiler: divorced in 8, therapy for 1, then nothing, then 1 again. Don't worry. She sucked. You're over her by my age, but you probably figured that, right? I won't spoil the good stuff. But do you remember seeing Fight Club? Keep that in mind.
Dude! You're really good at stuff! Like really good! Scary good! Don't let anyone ANYONE tell you otherwise or use you! Don't you dare join up with anyone but Mike Lenneville. Mike is bae! The way Joe is, and Ryan. Also you'll run into Kindell and Jenny and Cambam and Zach. These are your people! Love them. There are others too! A girl named Delancey and a dude named Forrest! Latch! There are more good folks too! You are going to be surrounded by love!
Also: School! You drop out in one and a half years and travel the world and see and do beautiful things. You're welcome!
When you're my age your favorite movie will be about that guy who guest starred on friends as Monica's boyfriend who got his ass kicked in the UFC (which is a huge fucking deal now!), being a shitty dad and a depressed dude and a chef! Then fired because reasons, then Robert Downy Jr. will be there, then Sofia Vergara (you're welcome in advance on behalf of the universe), then food truck! #happiness. Oh! And a pound sign is called hashtag now! Who knew?
School! You try to go back and they fuck you out of money! Yeah. American education FTW, ameyeright?
You will perform all over the world! Even at Ted! Oh, right, that's not a thing yet... Think lalapalooza but for your brain! Also start a youtube channel now! Just trust me. You don't know what that is, but DO IT! Record yourself doing fuckin' anything! I'm not kidding! People will eventually just throw money and acting gigs at you because you are there. It's a joke, but for real, do it! Do it!
Love... Romantic: Sorry Skeech, no spoilers here, but she's dope and makes weird furby sounds when she sleeps.
Love... people: You give yourself to others too much. Knock that shit off. Calm down and don't worry, the cartoons and your third grade teacher was right: quality. Not quantity. Thanks Miss B.
Oh! A big thing for your to do list: Find your silence. This is huge. Also be a nerd. An obsessive nerd! A huge freak about the things you love! Be loud! So loud people can't help but give you a venue!
Lastly 18 Me: It gets better, then worse, then better, then worse, then better... But you're still you. You're a badass, and you've gone through more already, done more and dreamed bigger than almost everyone else on the planet. You're amazing, but you will forget that. I don't have advice for that other than remember that you are always you, no matter the version. Do your best to love yourself.
OH! Also you get a cat named Lantz! He's the dopest!
Oh! We have yet to go to Japan, so start saving!
Also: Get some sleep. You deserve a good nights rest. You're kicking ass.
Have the best day you've ever had.
(That's your sign off. It makes you smile.)
