Value You Being Whatever it is You Might Be

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this out of frustration.

I spent a large chunk of my today uttering variations on the phrase: I'm going to be productive today. I also made sure to include a variable time-frame each time.

Whenever I give myself these mandates, I find that I am less than / equal-to not productive. I put pressure, no matter how small or grand, on myself and that pressure causes me stress. The stress leads to fear in much the way that fear leads to anger leads to hate leads to suffering (possible misquote of Yoda). The point being that I cause myself grief for not doing anything and then I don't do something because of my attempt to force myself to do anything.

Even as I write this I'm wishing I weren't. Which makes no sense to me. I love writing. I love the sound of the keys especially, but I love the feeling I get when I write. I become clear, more focused and composed. That leads me to a few somethings, but one thing in particular: professionalism. What makes someone professional is that they stopped deciding to do something and they instead did it.

And below is an example of that as it equates to being a creative professional, care of someone I very much look up to: Ze Frank. http://www.zefrank.com/

I deal with depression. It's not clinical, in the strictest sense, it's more learned. Learned depression. I was, like most people, bullied when I was younger. My being bullied didn't stop until about two years ago when I stopped listening to what most everyone else was saying.

That being said, I still carry scars from emotional trauma (like everyone). I still shut down when I think about certain things from my past, even if it's just me thinking about them and there was no outside inspiration for the fact.

Example:
I still don't like couples very much because I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and filed for divorce a few years ago. Seeing couples fight (and sometimes be overtly affectionate) pushes me back into a place of weakness.
Confession:
I don't hate too many people, and I don't hate her. I do, however, regret getting married so young (22).
Example:
Whenever an ambulance passes, I am taken back to when my father had his second heart attack.
Counter:
I force myself to think of "Have You Seen Her?" by the Chi Lights. My father introduced me to soul music and that song was playing in my headphones when I went to sleep that night.
A Personal Favorite Example:
Whenever I think about or see anything related to a summer camp, I am taken back to when I was unjustly fired from working at Camp Collins. I've mentioned this several times. It is one of my greatest shames. I think about this almost every day and it has tainted nearly every memory I have of my childhood concerning that place.
Positive:
I will never allow myself to treat another person the way that I was treated there. I will never allow myself to treat another person the way that I was treated there. I will never allow myself to treat another person the way that I was treated there.

And so on...

But this isn't about depression. Or maybe it is. I think it's about pressure, the self imposed kind we do when we think we're not good enough. That's what this is about. People who call themselves something are powerful because they think they're good enough to be that thing. Or maybe it doesn't even occur to them, their value that is. My value is always in question, but only by me. Which is stupid, yes, I know. It is. It's stupid.

What value...rephrase: There is great value in constantly evaluating yourself. It makes you take stock of who you are and find where you are in need of repair/strengthening. It helps you...You get where I'm going with this.

Here's what I do and what a disparagingly large number of people (mainly Americans) do: I evaluate and don't stop evaluating until there's nothing left to evaluate and then I evaluate whatever I can find that might have to do with me or maybe doesn't. It's obsessing. It's...I'm going to switch gears.

I am a writer. I'd like to make money doing it. I'd like to have people buy my books, ask for my help and my work, and I'd like this to be my primary income. Writing fulfills me the way that my friends/loved ones fulfill me. I am this, a writer that is. I am also a dancer and an actor. I'm good enough at what I do that I can say that I am one/all of these things.

Value is not what is in question. Value can not be measured by ones self as value is subject to the markets opinion/magic that gnomes poop out when...Value is a fuzzy concept. You get? Value is not, in terms of monetary/qualitative worth, something that you can assign to yourself/your work. You can encourage others to think like you do, to value your work/self like you do, but you can not force a mind to believe the things you do. People make up their own minds about what something is worth, so there is absolutely no reason to spend all of your time/energy worrying about how good you are or if you're good enough to be a something.

If you are writing regularly, you are a writer. If you play soccer regularly, you are a soccer player. If you dance regularly, you are a dancer. Fix houses, carpenter. Draw, draw-er-er.

Here's the two of it: You say you are a thing and you do a thing? You are that thing. You make money doing that thing? You're a professional that thing.

You might not be very good, but that's not for you to decide. That's their job. Your job is to be. So be. Go be. Be the best you that you can be, cause there's no other one like you. There's just you. Be you, whatever that is to you. Whatever you are is probably very beautiful. But that's me assigning theoretic value to you.

Snooze.