I, like many folk, deal with depression. Mine is circumstantial. I'm not clinical. People who are clinically depressed are warriors. I'm more of a squire. I'm an artist too, so I'm inclined toward the dramatic. I also grew up via fiction, so I compare my life to said fiction for pretty much everything. No, you're right, it's not healthy.
When I was a kid, I had this dream of life and specifically marriage. You met someone, you fell in love, they were the one, and it worked or you made it work.
I got married at 22 and divorced at 26. It was an unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship that robbed me of 4 years of my life and sent me down a shit spiral for those 4 years. I figured I was good. I saw a shrink (love Raymond), and came out the other end strong. Then I realized 4 years after that that I never completely healed. And here we are.
For the past couple weeks I've been dealing with the most severe depression I've ever had, including but not limited to a nervous breakdown. I'm coping. I'm seeing my shrink again (love Raymond), and I'm being supported by some incredible people. That being said, it's still going to be a trial.
I also realized something today as I got another dose of caring therapy (thank you Darcie). I realized that I never 100% dealt with the 4 years of shit with my ex-wife. The past year has been a slow, crushing slide, in which I've pushed my closest people away and kept hidden a multitude of feelings from people.
No joke, I couldn't recall physically feeling anything for a solid 9 months, with rare exception.
Things blew up and here we are.
In this time of healing, I've been doing my best to be honest with people, and open up about the things that I've been closed off to for so long. This has pushed people away, though temporary I believe. It's healthy, but it hurts.
Imagine, if you will, storing away your emotions for a whole year and a half, not telling the people close to you how you feel and ignoring your own intentions and emotions. Now imagine, if you will, letting all of that out as information on people in the span of less than a week. It's a lot to take in. I'm not surprised that people are confused and need time. Still sucks though.
As I spoke with my father, I realized that it has been more accurately 8 years that I've been dealing with this cycle of love, betrayal and grief. I'll break it down: 4 years with the ex that were a living hell, then 4 years where I thought I had dealt with everything but had just bottled myself up and walled myself off from love and compassion. I treated people I love like they were betraying me (WHICH THEY WERE NOT, ANDREW!), which would lead to grief over loss. Cue two weeks ago when I snap and here we are.
I screwed some loved ones over, man, lemme tell you. I didn't mean to. I feel terrible about how I've been. I'm owning up to my mistakes and accept the consequences. Fuck.
Professionally, personally and creatively, I've hurt myself and others because of this depression. I've missed out on jobs, treated significant others like they would screw me over because that's what happens in relationships (NO it fucking ISN'T! That's just what you think because you were in the worst relationship ever, dip shit! You treated these women like they were your ex wife who treated you like rat bastard garbage! Dumb-fuck! Giant fucking asshole!), taken more than twice the time to recoup old dance injuries...The list goes on.
I haven't been fair. Not to anyone. 8 years is too long to be broken. It's not just me that suffers.
I'm writing this post to keep myself accountable. For me and for my loved ones, I will put in the work and heal.
I am a great man who has limited himself and hurt his most beloved people because I never took the time to fully heal, to fully do the work that was needed. So I'm doing it. I can't change the past but I can start being stronger now and focus on those that truly matter. It's still going to take a little time, in which I will be hella awkward at times, but overcoming this depressive state is completely doable.
Personal: Be open and honest with my closest, my loved ones, my people. Repair the damage that's been done and fill their lives with adventure, happiness and support. Take the time to take care of my body.
Professional: focus on being a professional writer and entertainer.
Creative: Dance more. Write more. Entertain more. Support my friends more. Easy.
DISCLAIMER: I did not feel good as I scribbled this out. I screwed up and it will take time to mend that.
I have direction. I have goals. Most importantly: I have people that I love that I want to support by becoming greater myself. I'm already doing the work.
Have the best day you've ever had.
