I, like many folk, deal with depression. Mine is circumstantial. I'm not clinical. People who are clinically depressed are warriors. I'm more of a squire. I'm an artist too, so I'm inclined toward the dramatic. I also grew up via fiction, so I compare my life to said fiction for pretty much everything. No, you're right, it's not healthy.
When I was a kid, I had this dream of life and specifically marriage. You met someone, you fell in love, they were the one, and it worked or you made it work.
I got married at 22 and divorced at 26. It was an unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship that robbed me of 4 years of my life and sent me down a shit spiral for those 4 years. I figured I was good. I saw a shrink (love Raymond), and came out the other end strong. Then I realized 4 years after that that I never completely healed. And here we are.
For the past couple weeks I've been dealing with the most severe depression I've ever had, including but not limited to a nervous breakdown. I'm coping. I'm seeing my shrink again (love Raymond), and I'm being supported by some incredible people. That being said, it's still going to be a trial.
I also realized something today as I got another dose of caring therapy (thank you Darcie). I realized that I never 100% dealt with the 4 years of shit with my ex-wife. The past year has been a slow, crushing slide, in which I've pushed my closest people away and kept hidden a multitude of feelings from people.
No joke, I couldn't recall physically feeling anything for a solid 9 months, with rare exception.
Things blew up and here we are.
In this time of healing, I've been doing my best to be honest with people, and open up about the things that I've been closed off to for so long. This has pushed people away, though temporary I believe. It's healthy, but it hurts.
Imagine, if you will, storing away your emotions for a whole year and a half, not telling the people close to you how you feel and ignoring your own intentions and emotions. Now imagine, if you will, letting all of that out as information on people in the span of less than a week. It's a lot to take in. I'm not surprised that people are confused and need time. Still sucks though.
As I spoke with my father, I realized that it has been more accurately 8 years that I've been dealing with this cycle of love, betrayal and grief. I'll break it down: 4 years with the ex that were a living hell, then 4 years where I thought I had dealt with everything but had just bottled myself up and walled myself off from love and compassion. I treated people I love like they were betraying me (WHICH THEY WERE NOT, ANDREW!), which would lead to grief over loss. Cue two weeks ago when I snap and here we are.
I screwed some loved ones over, man, lemme tell you. I didn't mean to. I feel terrible about how I've been. I'm owning up to my mistakes and accept the consequences. Fuck.
Professionally, personally and creatively, I've hurt myself and others because of this depression. I've missed out on jobs, treated significant others like they would screw me over because that's what happens in relationships (NO it fucking ISN'T! That's just what you think because you were in the worst relationship ever, dip shit! You treated these women like they were your ex wife who treated you like rat bastard garbage! Dumb-fuck! Giant fucking asshole!), taken more than twice the time to recoup old dance injuries...The list goes on.
I haven't been fair. Not to anyone. 8 years is too long to be broken. It's not just me that suffers.
I'm writing this post to keep myself accountable. For me and for my loved ones, I will put in the work and heal.
I am a great man who has limited himself and hurt his most beloved people because I never took the time to fully heal, to fully do the work that was needed. So I'm doing it. I can't change the past but I can start being stronger now and focus on those that truly matter. It's still going to take a little time, in which I will be hella awkward at times, but overcoming this depressive state is completely doable.
Personal: Be open and honest with my closest, my loved ones, my people. Repair the damage that's been done and fill their lives with adventure, happiness and support. Take the time to take care of my body.
Professional: focus on being a professional writer and entertainer.
Creative: Dance more. Write more. Entertain more. Support my friends more. Easy.
DISCLAIMER: I did not feel good as I scribbled this out. I screwed up and it will take time to mend that.
I have direction. I have goals. Most importantly: I have people that I love that I want to support by becoming greater myself. I'm already doing the work.
Have the best day you've ever had.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, November 16, 2015
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Depression
Tonight, on a very special Idea Man...
I started writing this blog to keep myself honest and to take stock of what and who I am. It's helped me realize that I've been dealing with some serious depression for a while now. How long is irrelevant, but it's gone on long enough that I have been unable to see my own value. Lemme put it another way: depression = being unable to live in the now but you still feel the pain of hating yourself while denying there is a problem, so you lie to yourself and attempt 100,000 things to prove your personal worth, but ready yourself for failure because you know that when you take on said throng of projects you get spread too far thin and melt inside and out.
The short, non-run-on sentence, of it is that I am taking the time to admit to myself that there is a serious problem with me that I'm dealing with.
I'll be the first to admit that I've been one to call bullshit to the whole "depression thing," instead saying arrogant ass-hat things such as: "Just change what you're doing." "Be happy!" and various other insensitive things. The easy of it is that I was afraid to admit how I felt, blah blah blah ya know.
BREAK FOR 2 MONTHS
It's been almost 2 months since I tried to write this post. The truth is obvious, of course, that I got depressed while writing about my depression and was afraid to finish the post.
The above stuff is true, but here's the 100%: I'm terrified most of the time of failing, among other things, and usually think that nothing will change because things have been so back and forth in extremes. I usually feel like a failure, and it is like they describe on anti-depressant commercials. I do feel like I'm sinking into a blackness not unlike a crushing abyss a great deal of the time, WHEN I get into that mood. I'm not a depressed person in general, but there are some things that have played Mary-hob with who I am.
A few years back, I got a divorce and my shrink told me that I would eventually feel the full weight of the pain, anger and so on that I'd endured, but I would most probably never see it coming. He made it very clear that I would become very depressed when I finally lowered my guard and took stock of that time. I did and here we are.
I've lost out on opportunities, both professional and personal, and have most probably hurt my careers more than I know. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of several times, each time taking the position of the victim until I ended up burning bridges that could have been salvaged, had I stood my ground and asserted myself to begin with. I'm not writing to speak of (a project here and there barely counts even if they are fun/enriching), and I don't train near enough. This is an issue.
I've gotten most of it under control in the past month, but I can still feel it behind most things I do, this feeling. Lack of sun meant taking a D vitamin and getting a sun lamp (a must if you live in the PNW). Lack of energy is fixed through exercise (dance, crossfit and stretching). And clarity can usually be fixed with proper diet and me time (which I rarely do well). Those are the answers, but I'm still having trouble balancing, and I frequently find myself back in the hole, as it were.
I am very embarrassed to write all of this. I'm not an unhappy person, just to be clear. My depression manifests typically as a lethargic lump like version of myself, where I am quite honestly afraid to go outside, and I think that my closest friends find me irritating and hate me. My most typical symptom is confusion and fatigue, usually making it extremely difficult to come up with the words that I really want to say. I don't get much sleep these days because I'm constantly in my head. I prefer to live in the here and now, but for the past four months that's been very difficult. I can't stop looking back while being afraid of the future.
I'm writing this because it's time that I move forward. I'm very scared that I'll fail at most things, but I'm also very scared that I will become (and in some cases remain) everything that I hate.
The best that I can say is that I am terrified, but trying my hardest to grow. That's all that I can ask of myself right now, just to grow and continue to learn. I am a happy, positive person, and I'm pretty darn excited to just improve.
If you read this post: Thank you. I appreciate your time.
I started writing this blog to keep myself honest and to take stock of what and who I am. It's helped me realize that I've been dealing with some serious depression for a while now. How long is irrelevant, but it's gone on long enough that I have been unable to see my own value. Lemme put it another way: depression = being unable to live in the now but you still feel the pain of hating yourself while denying there is a problem, so you lie to yourself and attempt 100,000 things to prove your personal worth, but ready yourself for failure because you know that when you take on said throng of projects you get spread too far thin and melt inside and out.
The short, non-run-on sentence, of it is that I am taking the time to admit to myself that there is a serious problem with me that I'm dealing with.
I'll be the first to admit that I've been one to call bullshit to the whole "depression thing," instead saying arrogant ass-hat things such as: "Just change what you're doing." "Be happy!" and various other insensitive things. The easy of it is that I was afraid to admit how I felt, blah blah blah ya know.
BREAK FOR 2 MONTHS
It's been almost 2 months since I tried to write this post. The truth is obvious, of course, that I got depressed while writing about my depression and was afraid to finish the post.
The above stuff is true, but here's the 100%: I'm terrified most of the time of failing, among other things, and usually think that nothing will change because things have been so back and forth in extremes. I usually feel like a failure, and it is like they describe on anti-depressant commercials. I do feel like I'm sinking into a blackness not unlike a crushing abyss a great deal of the time, WHEN I get into that mood. I'm not a depressed person in general, but there are some things that have played Mary-hob with who I am.
A few years back, I got a divorce and my shrink told me that I would eventually feel the full weight of the pain, anger and so on that I'd endured, but I would most probably never see it coming. He made it very clear that I would become very depressed when I finally lowered my guard and took stock of that time. I did and here we are.
I've lost out on opportunities, both professional and personal, and have most probably hurt my careers more than I know. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of several times, each time taking the position of the victim until I ended up burning bridges that could have been salvaged, had I stood my ground and asserted myself to begin with. I'm not writing to speak of (a project here and there barely counts even if they are fun/enriching), and I don't train near enough. This is an issue.
I've gotten most of it under control in the past month, but I can still feel it behind most things I do, this feeling. Lack of sun meant taking a D vitamin and getting a sun lamp (a must if you live in the PNW). Lack of energy is fixed through exercise (dance, crossfit and stretching). And clarity can usually be fixed with proper diet and me time (which I rarely do well). Those are the answers, but I'm still having trouble balancing, and I frequently find myself back in the hole, as it were.
I am very embarrassed to write all of this. I'm not an unhappy person, just to be clear. My depression manifests typically as a lethargic lump like version of myself, where I am quite honestly afraid to go outside, and I think that my closest friends find me irritating and hate me. My most typical symptom is confusion and fatigue, usually making it extremely difficult to come up with the words that I really want to say. I don't get much sleep these days because I'm constantly in my head. I prefer to live in the here and now, but for the past four months that's been very difficult. I can't stop looking back while being afraid of the future.
I'm writing this because it's time that I move forward. I'm very scared that I'll fail at most things, but I'm also very scared that I will become (and in some cases remain) everything that I hate.
The best that I can say is that I am terrified, but trying my hardest to grow. That's all that I can ask of myself right now, just to grow and continue to learn. I am a happy, positive person, and I'm pretty darn excited to just improve.
If you read this post: Thank you. I appreciate your time.
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