I think I can finally talk about this shit. Not well, mind you. Meh. You should know that this isn't happy, more healing, and will probably upset you in some way. Warned. Also: if you are hurting, you can talk to me.
A few weeks back, maybe over a month ago, a friend I wasn't terribly close to - whom my uncle was rather close to - was murdered. If you were in Portland, had eyes and a TV, you heard about Jakob's murder. He was a good man, who made me and many folks happy. You can google the story for the specifics.
A few weeks back, under a month ago, my friend Nikki killed herself.
I was still dealing with Jakob's death, so hearing that Nikki had died wasn't real, nor would I let it be real. It became real about a week ago, and I've been so very screwed up.
I miss my friends.
I'm better now, at least enough to be me again and get what mental work I needed to do done. So I have. Yesterday was sorta OK? The day before sucked out loud. Put them together and you've got me feeling alright enough to talk.
A few years back, really more like almost 2, I tried to kill myself. I didn't.
You have to ask yourself, why is this so common? But that's a whole other thing.
This is about loss. Two friends died in just over two weeks. I'm no stranger to death and, especially/unfortunately, suicide. I've lost so many people in my life; friends, family, mentors.
I fear losing people all the time. It's always on my mind. I'm afraid a majority of the time. This is what the post is really about.
If I know you, and I love you, there are times where I truly fear losing you. Pretty common. Mom, Dad, Kindell, Jenny, Zach, CamBam, Nick, Mikey, Em, Mollywog, Laurie, Jeff, Ryan, Ryan, Tim, Tana, Abi, Amanda, Lexi, Delancey, Evie, Aaron, John, Gabbi, RoboJoJo, Megan, Big Seth, Dave, Maddie, Brittany, Jillybean, DJ, Uncle Hutch, Uncle Tom, Maddie, Sherie, Darlene, Delanie, Susa, Colin, Isabella, Isadora, Izzy, Vanessa, Haile, Sydward, Reedster, Darcie, Ben, Steph, Tina, Forrest. Done writing names. If I know you and I love you, there are times where I truly fear losing you.
It's important for me that I take time to think about this when I get this far sclounced. (not a word) When I get like this I play games like Dawn of Discovery, Civ, Stellaris, Anno. Games where I can just sit and think, meditate, and feel accomplished in a very easily graspable way. I did that for two days. My ass hurt. I cried some. I feel better.
I miss Will, my uncle, old B, Gramma, Grandpa, Keith, Nikki, Jakob, Phil, Miss Dawn, old S, Torr, Julia, old A, Bumpa, Chris, Wayne, old M, Gail, Mr Daily. No more names. I couldn't remember more.
There is a takeaway here. There is. Look for the pattern behind things and you can learn about things. Maybe it'll help you grieve the loss, or not. Maybe it'll just help you understand what went. Maybe? Maybe you'll be able to help someone if they want/need your help - which is super subjective and sometimes super hard to read and respond to. Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe...
Dear, Demon Child,
You're an incredible friend. You're a hero. I admire you. You did the right thing. You're what is right in the world. Well done. Well done indeed.
Dear, Golden Child,
I didn't know you were hurting so badly. I'm sorry we weren't close anymore. Thank you for being in my life. You made it better.
Dear, Magic People,
I'm the good man I am today in large part because of your guidance. Thank you. I love you.
Dear Coach,
I have shoulders now. Thanks for that.
Dear, DBag Jones,
Pay. The fuck. Attention. You greedy shit. You're decent folk. Be better!
Dear, Mr Daily,
Shake rattle and roll, good sir! Thank you for the years. Honoring your memory with the music.
Dear, Gail,
I fucked up. I'm sorry.
Dear, The D,
You're so wonderful. You make the world better. Be strong and live for you! Your story is going to be one for the ages!
Dear, SP,
If only you knew how powerful you are. Thank you for you. I love you.
Dear, High C,
It wasn't fair. Fuck him. You deserved better.
Dear, Ol' B,
It wasn't fair. Fuck him. You deserved better.
Dear, Philly,
Why?
Dear, Fat C,
You were an awful person. Evil. The world is better without you. You killed him.
Dear, Soulful C,
I miss you. You hated yourself, but you were so beautiful. I wish you were here and loved yourself and had another chance. I wish you weren't so filled with fear. I hope heaven exists and you're there, finally happy. I miss you. I really miss you.
Dear, That one Bitch,
I can't believe anyone would want you. I mean...for real. That poor motherfucker. #yasuck!
Dear, Song,
I think about your advice every day. It's the juice! Thank you!
Dear, Jojo and Megatron,
I've been dealing with some OG shit. You two help me breathe. Thank you! Your advice is awesome and helps me feel hooman.
Dear, Steve,
What the fuck were you thinking? Fuck! I feel dirty. You stupid dick!
Dear, CB,
We cool.
Dear, JB,
Change the world, my man. You gonna change the world!
Dear, Younger me,
Keep doin' what you doin'. You'll turn out fine and dandy indeed. Oh! But stay away from most of the internet and opinions out there. You're kicking ass! Believe and you'll be just fine. You're pretty cool. Good job, Slugger.
Dear, Will,
Your death defined me for so many years. I can't even tell you how painful it has been. But I love you and the memory of you so much that it helps me be good and strong and live my life spurred on by love. You are one of my greatest heroes, and I never got to tell you that when I was younger and you were alive. I love you. Always will. Miss you, Will.
That's enough now. I feel okay. Feeling like me again.
Have the best day you've ever had.
Andrew
