LOSS

I think I can finally talk about this shit. Not well, mind you. Meh. You should know that this isn't happy, more healing, and will probably upset you in some way. Warned. Also: if you are hurting, you can talk to me.

A few weeks back, maybe over a month ago, a friend I wasn't terribly close to - whom my uncle was rather close to - was murdered. If you were in Portland, had eyes and a TV, you heard about Jakob's murder. He was a good man, who made me and many folks happy. You can google the story for the specifics.

A few weeks back, under a month ago, my friend Nikki killed herself.

I was still dealing with Jakob's death, so hearing that Nikki had died wasn't real, nor would I let it be real. It became real about a week ago, and I've been so very screwed up. 

I miss my friends. 

I'm better now, at least enough to be me again and get what mental work I needed to do done. So I have. Yesterday was sorta OK? The day before sucked out loud. Put them together and you've got me feeling alright enough to talk.

A few years back, really more like almost 2, I tried to kill myself. I didn't. 

You have to ask yourself, why is this so common? But that's a whole other thing.

This is about loss. Two friends died in just over two weeks. I'm no stranger to death and, especially/unfortunately, suicide. I've lost so many people in my life; friends, family, mentors.

I fear losing people all the time. It's always on my mind. I'm afraid a majority of the time. This is what the post is really about.

If I know you, and I love you, there are times where I truly fear losing you. Pretty common. Mom, Dad, Kindell, Jenny, Zach, CamBam, Nick, Mikey, Em, Mollywog, Laurie, Jeff, Ryan, Ryan, Tim, Tana, Abi, Amanda, Lexi, Delancey, Evie, Aaron, John, Gabbi, RoboJoJo, Megan, Big Seth, Dave, Maddie, Brittany, Jillybean, DJ, Uncle Hutch, Uncle Tom, Maddie, Sherie, Darlene, Delanie, Susa, Colin, Isabella, Isadora, Izzy, Vanessa, Haile, Sydward, Reedster, Darcie, Ben, Steph, Tina, Forrest. Done writing names. If I know you and I love you, there are times where I truly fear losing you.

It's important for me that I take time to think about this when I get this far sclounced. (not a word) When I get like this I play games like Dawn of Discovery, Civ, Stellaris, Anno. Games where I can just sit and think, meditate, and feel accomplished in a very easily graspable way. I did that for two days. My ass hurt. I cried some. I feel better.

I miss Will, my uncle, old B, Gramma, Grandpa, Keith, Nikki, Jakob, Phil, Miss Dawn, old S, Torr, Julia, old A, Bumpa, Chris, Wayne, old M, Gail, Mr Daily. No more names. I couldn't remember more.

There is a takeaway here. There is. Look for the pattern behind things and you can learn about things. Maybe it'll help you grieve the loss, or not. Maybe it'll just help you understand what went. Maybe? Maybe you'll be able to help someone if they want/need your help - which is super subjective and sometimes super hard to read and respond to. Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe...

Dear, Demon Child,

You're an incredible friend. You're a hero. I admire you. You did the right thing. You're what is right in the world. Well done. Well done indeed. 

Dear, Golden Child,

I didn't know you were hurting so badly. I'm sorry we weren't close anymore. Thank you for being in my life. You made it better.

Dear, Magic People,

I'm the good man I am today in large part because of your guidance. Thank you. I love you.

Dear Coach,

I have shoulders now. Thanks for that.

Dear, DBag Jones,

Pay. The fuck. Attention. You greedy shit. You're decent folk. Be better!

Dear, Mr Daily,

Shake rattle and roll, good sir! Thank you for the years. Honoring your memory with the music.

Dear, Gail,

I fucked up. I'm sorry.

Dear, The D,

You're so wonderful. You make the world better. Be strong and live for you! Your story is going to be one for the ages!

Dear, SP,

If only you knew how powerful you are. Thank you for you. I love you.

Dear, High C,

It wasn't fair. Fuck him. You deserved better.

Dear, Ol' B,

It wasn't fair. Fuck him. You deserved better.

Dear, Philly,

Why?

Dear, Fat C,

You were an awful person. Evil. The world is better without you. You killed him.

Dear, Soulful C,

I miss you. You hated yourself, but you were so beautiful. I wish you were here and loved yourself and had another chance. I wish you weren't so filled with fear. I hope heaven exists and you're there, finally happy. I miss you. I really miss you.

Dear, That one Bitch,

I can't believe anyone would want you. I mean...for real. That poor motherfucker. #yasuck!

Dear, Song,

I think about your advice every day. It's the juice! Thank you!

Dear, Jojo and Megatron,

I've been dealing with some OG shit. You two help me breathe. Thank you! Your advice is awesome and helps me feel hooman.

Dear, Steve,

What the fuck were you thinking? Fuck! I feel dirty. You stupid dick!

Dear, CB,

We cool.

Dear, JB,

Change the world, my man. You gonna change the world!

Dear, Younger me,

Keep doin' what you doin'. You'll turn out fine and dandy indeed. Oh! But stay away from most of the internet and opinions out there. You're kicking ass! Believe and you'll be just fine. You're pretty cool. Good job, Slugger.

Dear, Will,

Your death defined me for so many years. I can't even tell you how painful it has been. But I love you and the memory of you so much that it helps me be good and strong and live my life spurred on by love. You are one of my greatest heroes, and I never got to tell you that when I was younger and you were alive. I love you. Always will. Miss you, Will.

That's enough now. I feel okay. Feeling like me again.

Have the best day you've ever had.

Andrew

My New Project REVEALED!

I've been teasing a new thing or thang I am putting into the sphere. Here it is.

This Monday, May 15th, 2017, I will be launching my patreon.

Each month I will release a chapter - of considerable length - for a brand new story that will only be available through patreon, and only if you are a supporter of this campaign.

The purpose of the patreon is to not only build a community for my work, but to raise funds and create a dedicated support for the works of other artists, even so far as eventually creating a convention that celebrates all of our stories.

This is both exciting and pants-shittingly terrifying for me.

Links will drop Monday.  I hope you'll join me in this new journey.

Here is the front page for the project:

My name is Andrew Slac.

I made this patreon for the purpose of first releasing a serialized story to folks who routinely show their support, leading to the support of the endeavors of other artists, as well as a few plans on the grander scale.

Each month I'll bring you a chapter in a tale of fiction that you will have first access to if you choose to pony up the buck and support. But the buck doesn't stop there! That dollar (or more, if you're feeling really supportive) will also get you exclusive access to other patreon only content and activities including streams, vlogs, blogs and more. 

THE STORYAmong Men
genre: fantasy

First chapter teaser: The tiny nation of Bellsara, too small and weak to fight on her own, is surrounded by warring enemies and only survives by supplying two things to whomever is willing to pay: food from her crops, and soldiers of her sons and daughters. Our story begins during yet another siege of yet another territory deemed an enemy by purchase. This is where we meet our hero, a child like any other of Bellsara, a farmer turned soldier, conscripted to fight enemies that are not their own. And while their beginnings may be humble, their destiny is one of glory and great change...

...And that's pretty much all I can say without spoilers.

Also, exclusive content comes with the exclusive right to be a part of the conversation with each post. I will answer as many questions as I can, and I may even apply your suggestions and sprinkle a bit of your awesome into the story. Not the plot, of course, but if you have ideas you'd like to see, they may just end up in the story itself. Don't want your ideas in the story? Don't post 'em! Good. I'm glad we had this talk.

Generally, being an artist is an isolating life, but I don't want to live that way. I love people and believe in the brilliance that everyone has the potential to show. This patreon allows me to not only share something unique, but also creates a community based on support, communication and the exchange of art and ideas. Which is kind of my life-long dream.

If things go well, and I mean really well, this patreon will help lead to much grander projects, as well as create opportunities for others to show their work, and share with the world a part of themselves that may otherwise go unseen. I am a man with massive dreams and the drive and passion to get them done, and to support those who support me.

Alone we are amazing and together we are mighty.

If you do choose to pledge, I thank you. In return I pledge to create great works to the best of my ability, and to grow a community based on communication, support, opportunities and entertainment. 

Thank you for taking the time to visit this patreon. 

Whether you are a supporter or just someone passing by:
Have the best day you've ever had!

Andrew

Make Time, Give a Fuck and Deal with Shit

Willpower is a currency that you have only so much of daily. Popular phrase is "fucks," as in: "Leroy had zero fucks to give that day."

Let's say you start your day with 100 standard-galactic fucks (warning, there is math, though basic, and that is NOT the man you married). In your mind, let fucks be represented by a shiny platinum coin (the shape is up to you). Everything you do that costs energy/effort costs fucks.

You wake up fully rested, 100 fucks in pocket. You make breakfast (in theory), shower (unless you're disgusting), brush your teeth etc. Your morning routine and all that, if you have one. For most people this is a minimal effort. Let's call it 5 fucks. You now have 95.

Most of us have a 9 to 5er (I don't), so we bolt off there. I'ma skip the majority of your theoretic day because what you do with your time is your damned business. But you do look good in that black shirt and beanie, Mr. Marsh. Mmmmm. Yes.

A workday takes a lot out of you. I say that because it's true. Even if you... scratch that. ESPECIALLY if you are so lucky as to have a job in your passion or one that fulfills you. But let's go off of the assumption that your 9-5 is just there to pay the bills and so forth. It's a huge chunk of your day, your effort, and as the average person is awake but 16 hours a day, it costs a large bit-o-fucks just to work. It's a fourth of your day, never mind if you don't sleep too well or miss breakfast, so we're calling it at least 40-50 fucks depending on how you feel about it. It costs more the more effort you put in AND the more tedium you feel. So we're down to roughly 45 fucks, possibly less. Not so bad.

Again, if you are not rocking a salt-mill bread and butter kinda job, this does not apply to you. It may cost you less, but generally will cost you much more as you will no doubt spend more energy because you... well, give a fuck about it. To be clear, I'm not writing this about you though. You're awesome. Good job landing your dream gig. Everyone else is awesome too, but in a more nose to the grindstone  because you have to kind of way. Moving on.

45 fucks. It's not a ton, but there's still enough to do something. Hit the pub, relax at home, do your sport, create something, try to have sex, learn something, it's all good, and some of these things invigorate folks. Let's take into account that the average you and me does a thing. Things cost fucks. Pick your favorite, it's going to cost you at least 20 fucks. (generalizations are fun)

You now have 25. What does that mean? You have 25 out of 100. 25% of your starting willpower/energy/effort worth expending. Lots of people, especially me, forget that there are consequences when you start getting to the end of your willpower. By 25, you're already pretty exhausted. You rocked a job and a hobby all the live long day. Most people call it a night and head home with their loved ones or do the solo thing. Either way, even that costs willpower. If you have a calm situation, it's a teeny cost of let's say: 5 fucks. But if you are like so many and have a family or at least a significant other, you've gotta be at least a little ON for them. It's at least 10 fucks. AT LEAST.

So now we're down to 20 or 15 fucks. Here's when things get incredible, people watching wise. Appropriately, the lower your willpower, the less willing to deal with shit you are. Shit and fucks do not mix. Shit is not the things you've elected to do. It's fighting, it's bills, it's cleaning when you don't want to, it's simply the things you don't want to experience. Shit drains you. Shit is where we all get into trouble. We overextend our willpower and get into the red, the negative.

(cue 1950's slides, announcer voice and woodwind heavy music) When you spend more than your allotted willpower, you experience such things as depression, misplaced anger, fatigue, restless sleep, joint pain, headache and or muscle aches, confusion, decreased cognitive function and so on.

This is burn-out. Welcome to where most everyone you know lives. The average person vastly over-extends themselves into burnout. At that point, you play catch up.

If you're only getting 100 fucks a day, but you've put yourself into the red, let's say -15 fucks, you start the next day with only 85 fucks. Doesn't seem too bad, right? Then another day, and another and so on happens. Eventually you're so far in the hole that the serious versions of the afore mentioned problems happen. Sickness, clinical depression, violent outbursts, profound sadness and so on.

SHITTY THING (also a huge generalization): The average person starts with 100 fucks, but can drop almost twice that much before they lose their mind or die. You can exist in this hole for the remainder of your life and never realize where you're at. Also, you CAN raise your fucks to 150 in theory, but it usually takes having the perfect life you've always wanted, and even then, most folks only have so much excess energy every once-in-a-while. Having a daily 150 is rare.

You CAN do things to try and recover the fucks you spend in your every day. Grab a pint, that's like... 5 fucks (that's A pint, maybe TWO, not a bender. Benders cost fucks. Lots of fucks). Go to the spa! It'll give you like 20 fucks! Laugh, cry, experience emotion. It's healing! Cathartic! Releasing emotions, negative or positive, is a very good thing and will give you a variable but valuable raise in fucks.

Most importantly, learn to manage your time. Doing too much? Always in the red? Stop doing something! Knock one thing off and see how you feel. I guarantee you'll breathe a tad easier. We are still simple creatures, we humans. On the real, we should have a job and a close nit friend group on the average and a hobby just based on our attention span. It's a solid trio. Work pays the bills (food and shelter), hobbies fulfill your creative/destructive needs (control), and friends provide pretty much everything else (the tribe).

Most folks (me too more than I want to admit), think that there is something missing from their life, a cog or spring that would help their life run smoother or more efficient. Sometimes this is true. Maybe you do need a new job or a hobby that drives you or a wife/husband/paramour/buddy/animal to fill the void. Maybe that's true. More than likely, you are tired, depressed, unfulfilled because you don't appreciate what you have.

In general, it is easier to destroy than it is to create. I think it's funny that it's so hard for most people to drop activities/jobs/relationships with that in mind. But that's a whole different post/two hour long uplifting seminar and/or weekend conference. That's assigning worth and meaning and attachment and that's for later.

It's hard sometimes. No judgement. I load myself down with tasks, jobs and blah blah blah and come out the other side depressed. It feels like I spend 200 fucks a day sometimes. When you really get down to it, most of us will die after around 80 years. It sucks. It terrifies me. So there is no real reason to keep latched to something that would make harder that precious little life you've got. I need to remind myself sometimes that there are always other jobs, other hobbies, other friends and other loves.

Make time for yourself and you'll find that dealing with shit isn't so difficult, that you have more fucks to give and, jokes aside, you'll find that you are happier. That's the dream, really, isn't it? To be happy? To enjoy what time you've been given? Focus on that, the things that make you happy. Spend more time, more fucks, on those things.