I've Forgotten How to Play

I sure hope I'm not dead inside. Okay, that's dramatic. I'm not dead inside, I'm fearful that I've lost something important that I feel partially defines me: my love to play. I've sort of forgotten how, and I think it's been a long while now that I've been this way, and I'm only now able to admit it. First step and all that...


DISCLAIMER: This is a working things out post. It might not make a lot of sense. The sound of keys clicking helps me focus and evaluate my goings on and such.


It's such a strange thing to sit at my computer and strive so hard to find some game, any game, just because I tell myself that I want to play something. I'm forcing it, forcing play, and that's sort of crazy. I can't think of any other facet of my life that I try so hard to do. I either do or do not, I don't try or work so hard to do anything the way that I push having fun; specifically with video games. 

I know I still love them. I love my games. But I find myself skipping cut scenes, missing out on good chunks of lore, hearty bits of story that I could learn from. That worries me.

Maybe I'm unhappy? I'm pretty darn content with most things in my life, though I must admit that I feel out of sorts creatively. I've always been creative, imaginative, yet lately I feel dull. I'm boring to myself. I can't seem to create anything I'm proud of for a couple of years now. I can't seem to enjoy the work. I'm trying too hard.

It's fear. I'm afraid of failure. So why try. It's horse-nuts. Grade A. Can't fail if you never try, though you can define that in of itself a failure to live. 

I wish I never realized my mortality. I sure miss the days when I thought I was immortal, my time unending. Oh well. I'm human these days. Maybe there's something there.

I'm going to learn the piano, my first lesson in little over two weeks. Maybe that will feel good.

I am mostly happy. But this whole forgetting how to play thing has me a bit scared, and when I get scared I get sedentary. My ass hurts from sitting. My stomach hurts from devouring the work of others. I'm tired. I think I'll sleep.

Thanks for sticking with me, Brain. I feel better now. Let's get to work on letting ourselves off the hook and letting life happen. Maybe that's how we'll play again.

Processing piece over.

Have the best night you've ever had.

Andrew

PS. The universe is a hologram. Buy gold.

PPS. Or not. We're all in this together. The universe is pretty cool. And if it's a hologram, then choose to bend light and make it what you will.