This Image of Me

I have this image of me that pops up between thoughts every so often. I'm pretty sure it's my ideal self, or something similar, and I've held this image of me since mid high school. 

I'm about thirty five, I think. Maybe forty. I'm standing outside a neon lit venue (I can't imagine it's a night club... Maybe it is), my back is against the wall and I'm smoking. I don't smoke. I haven't since I was...I want to say 20. In the image I'm smoking, I'm wearing a black leather jacket with a high collar (high, not popped), I look strong and I appear sad. 

That's it.

I think about that a whole lot and I don't know why. It's not a glamorous image. It's not even all that healthy or brooding for that matter. It's just sort of emo, which I haven't really grown out of since high school. Oddly I own but a single vinyl that I have purchased. It's the soundtrack from Firewatch, a fabulous video game by the folks at Campo Santo. Check it out. 

https://www.firewatchgame.com/

Emo. Depressed. Artist. Labels are a weird thing for me. I do my best to avoid them. That's not the point of this. I guess there isn't one. And maybe that's the point.

I don't think I've ever just existed. I'm wired kind of sad and thus I tend to overthink things; most all things. It took me fifteen tries to write that sentence because I kept stumbling on the keys. I need to write more. So not existing... 

So I have this image of myself - the emo forty year old, and then I have this recurring feeling that I'm not part of the world. Like I exist outside of it but I'm wandering through it. I've got a few friends who get this feeling. I'm sure a ton of people experience it. I sort of live here. It's been a long time since I felt connected to the ground, to the sky or my work. Call it limbo. Call it whatever you'd like. It's confusing. On the one hand, you can argue that the recurring image is either an ideal me or a fantasy me or... I'm not really sure what else, but that guy sure doesn't exist. And yet most of the time I don't really feel like I do either. 

Imposter syndrome. I learned this term from a dear friend of mine who goes through similar feelings. As pretentious as it is, artists tend to I hear. I'm not special in that way. Anyway, imposter syndrome is basically like it sounds: you feel like a fraud doing the things you're good at. You feel like an imposter. I've met plenty of folks who go through it. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but it's interesting to think about so many people experiencing the same feeling. 

I don't know when I'll accept that I'm a writer. It took me a long time to claim dancer and that is a tough one for me all the time. 

And I don't have a good ending for this one. I'm sorry. The internet isn't helping, but that's a whole other thing.

How bout a quick review of Love. Death. And Robots? Do you like gore, fight club and the animated classic Heavy Metal? Also boobs, and like...a whole lot of violence like wow? Then you'll love Netflix's newest talkie: Love. Death. And Robots. I've got a whole other thing I think I want to write about each and every... Yeah, I think I'll write a rundown (possibly drunk) of each of the 17 animated shorts. For the record, almost every single short was way too short. Like...waaaaaaaaay too short. A few were waaaaaay too long and a couple just sucked. Also, basically someone bangs and someone dies and there's sometimes robots.

Here's a quickie version:

1. Sonnie's Edge - Cyberpunk indeed! Huh, backstory? Sure. Really cool monster! Holy SHIT! Oh Wow. Woah. woah. woah. Called it. Awesome.

2. Three Robots - Adorable. I like it. Cat's with thumbs. Two for two? Sweet. 

3. The Witness - If M. Night Shaymalan both didn't suck AND made soft-core murder-mystery porn. I liked it. Decent twist. Coo coo cachu.

4. Suits - I always wondered what life for Jim Raynor was like after Starcraft. Kind of a rip off of a bunch of stuff and I don't care. Liked this one too.

5. Sucker of Souls - Souls aren't the only thing it sucked. Ah haha. SPOILERS: It's a Dracula thing. You've seen it. And it's not very good. But it was the first time I'd seen Dracula shot in the dick. Why did they animate that?

6. When the Yogurt Took Over - Sure. Why not? Also: I'm pretty sure that was my man, Maurice LaMarche. Yogurt and the Brain? Don't panic.

7. Beyond the Aquila Rift - This was okay. I guess. I don't know. It needed to be a video game or a mini series or an hour long thing, but damn if that monster ain't the stuff of nightmares! 10/10 would shit my pants in fear of that thing again. 

8. Good Hunting - He's gonna fuck that fox. Wait. He's gonna build a rabbit? Fully erect fat dude. Steampunk? What the hell am I watching? Huh. Okay. Full disclosure: I hated this, but I think I would have liked it if it was an hour long. Maybe. I don't even know anymore.

9. The Dump - How is this not three minutes long? I get it. Still get it. Oh good, I saw his balls. Also there's a monster. 

10. Shape Shifters - Let's just smush Twilight and Jar Head together. Yeah? Why not? Because it's dumb.

11. Helping Hand - Next.

12. Fish Night - It's gonna be about prison. It's gonna be a father son thing? It's gonna be a beautifully animated, wondrous display of vibrant creatures?! That guys gonna die. Fuck. You.

13. Lucky 13 - The ship is alive. They show you right away. It likes its pilot. It was fine. I really liked her!

14. Zima Blue - Man, artists are fucking preten... This is rad. Okay that's a good idea. WHAT?! Are you KIDDING ME? Two different stories in my head, can't believe they went with that one. I'm okay with it. I actually laughed out loud when I saw the ending.

15. Blindspot - Man, Borderlands has really amped up their swearing! I kind of want this to be a 13 episode series.

16. Ice Age - Eric Foreman does an old ass episode of The Simpsons. It works.

17. Alternate History - What if Hitler died in six crazy ways? What would that be like? Kind of adorable, actually! I actually forgot this was a thing and had to edit the post to include it. Guess that says something.

18. Secret War - Why do people have accents when they're speaking english in things like this? It's dumb. Also there are demons in this and the ending is a big fat "who cares." This one was shit because it was longer than five minutes. And for other reasons. So many reasons.

And now I sleep. Expect a full video about this whole shebang later.

Love you.

Have the best day you've ever had. Shout out to Ray Ray and big Steve.