Train and Treat it like a Job. Also Pictures.

Swoll. Yolked. Fit. Fwine. Hench. Muscled. Strongf. In-shape. Healthy. Boosh. Damn, son. Stronger. Better. Faster. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Warmer. Thunder and lightning, don't get caught in the storm.

Training is fun. It's hard work that leads to something tangible. It takes time and teaches you patience. Training is also something that used to scare me due to ego and the lack of confidence in myself.

Experiment, as I now have the confidence to embrace the work and not the ending that never came fast enough. Experiment: Document my life more than I am comfortable in ways that share my vulnerability.

Side note: I googled documentary to find a good picture and most of what came up were photos of suffering children, exotic animals and various displays of war. There was also the one I found which I picked because I thought it would disturb you more if you knew me (hint: imagine me as the woman! You're welcome!)

I'd thought about doing this before in the more popular way: posting my records, before and after pictures and so on. I still might do that. However, I think it's more interesting (for me, at least) to post and discuss the emotional aspect of it. Over the next few months/year, I am putting myself through a few things that I've always wanted to do.

1. Physical training - Crossfit, yoga and a little break dancing. I once was an athlete. I'm in fairly good shape. I want to be an athlete again.

2. Learning a craft - Blacksmithing. I do a great many things, but I wouldn't say I have a physical craft. I used to draw but stopped because of self esteem issues and a dick of a room mate who would insult everyone we knew in incessant, passive aggressive ways. I've had a dork level obsession about blacksmiths for as long as I can remember. Thanks to the fine folks at Trackers PDX (http://trackerspdx.com/), I can now live out this fantasy. Woot.

3. Profession - Writer. Many people have said the same thing, but I like how Ze Frank puts it:
"If you want to do something, then you should be doing it. If you want to write, then you should be writing..."
So I will. I have never treated my passions as jobs on purpose. I've always just fallen into them. I've experienced a moderate level of success this way, but I often wonder how things would be if I had poured myself into it and dedicated time in the way that you do a day job. Now, through the magic of actually doing stuff (trademark), we shall see how it goes.

Rules about the sharing:

1. No lying! - I can't lie anyhow, so this isn't a problem. But to be more specific: If I think it (within a small margin of reason) I have to share it.

Example: Yesterday's workout nearly made me throw up. It was only the second time I've come that close due to exercise. The other was sled push day. It made me feel weak for about thirty minutes to the point that I recalled being bullied on the playground as kid. I could now kick their ass. High road.

2. Pictures or it Didn't Happen - Pretty self explanatory. A picture is worth exactly 1000 words. So it saves me about thirty minutes of work. Also they're prettier.

Example: To the right and left. Right - Me pulling a sled that weighs 310lbs American. Left - The workout we did yesterday. Skin the cats is a gymnastic move. GHD is a fancy position that translates to "Hold this bar like this while you dangle out over nothing and push the bar like that, bitch!" ETOM means every minute on the minute. It was hard.

3. No fear...which I guess is essentially no lying. But with the added mark of trying new things. I'll be afraid, but will have to push forward.


No more rules. They're all very similar anyhow.

Side note: I'm drinking a protein shake with chia inside. I imagine the texture is similar to giving a happy ending to Jabba the Hut.

And now a moment to talk about being a creative professional.

Treat it like a job, they say. They're right.

Think about the amount of time the average person spends on their day job (average 9 hours including a lunch break). Imagine spending that time five days a week on what you want to do creatively. You'd be a professional in months, not years. Months.

This is harder if what you're doing is physically demanding, but don't forget the study side of things. Those 8 hours (losing an hour due to no lunch. Take a lunch. It saves life.), should include learning the finer points of your passion. Learn the history. Learn the sister activities of your passion. Learn how it equates to the real world and really think about how it makes you feel and what you're getting out of it.

Treat it like a job. Simple. Time consuming. Just like everything else that matters.

Treat it like a job.

If you made it this far, here is a picture of me celebrating America:

Depression

Tonight, on a very special Idea Man...

I started writing this blog to keep myself honest and to take stock of what and who I am. It's helped me realize that I've been dealing with some serious depression for a while now. How long is irrelevant, but it's gone on long enough that I have been unable to see my own value. Lemme put it another way: depression = being unable to live in the now but you still feel the pain of hating yourself while denying there is a problem, so you lie to yourself and attempt 100,000 things to prove your personal worth, but ready yourself for failure because you know that when you take on said throng of projects you get spread too far thin and melt inside and out.

The short, non-run-on sentence, of it is that I am taking the time to admit to myself that there is a serious problem with me that I'm dealing with.

I'll be the first to admit that I've been one to call bullshit to the whole "depression thing," instead saying arrogant ass-hat things such as: "Just change what you're doing." "Be happy!" and various other insensitive things. The easy of it is that I was afraid to admit how I felt, blah blah blah ya know.

BREAK FOR 2 MONTHS

It's been almost 2 months since I tried to write this post. The truth is obvious, of course, that I got depressed while writing about my depression and was afraid to finish the post.

The above stuff is true, but here's the 100%: I'm terrified most of the time of failing, among other things, and usually think that nothing will change because things have been so back and forth in extremes. I usually feel like a failure, and it is like they describe on anti-depressant commercials. I do feel like I'm sinking into a blackness not unlike a crushing abyss a great deal of the time, WHEN I get into that mood. I'm not a depressed person in general, but there are some things that have played Mary-hob with who I am.

A few years back, I got a divorce and my shrink told me that I would eventually feel the full weight of the pain, anger and so on that I'd endured, but I would most probably never see it coming. He made it very clear that I would become very depressed when I finally lowered my guard and took stock of that time. I did and here we are.

I've lost out on opportunities, both professional and personal, and have most probably hurt my careers more than I know. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of several times, each time taking the position of the victim until I ended up burning bridges that could have been salvaged, had I stood my ground and asserted myself to begin with. I'm not writing to speak of (a project here and there barely counts even if they are fun/enriching), and I don't train near enough. This is an issue.

I've gotten most of it under control in the past month, but I can still feel it behind most things I do, this feeling. Lack of sun meant taking a D vitamin and getting a sun lamp (a must if you live in the PNW). Lack of energy is fixed through exercise (dance, crossfit and stretching). And clarity can usually be fixed with proper diet and me time (which I rarely do well). Those are the answers, but I'm still having trouble balancing, and I frequently find myself back in the hole, as it were.

I am very embarrassed to write all of this. I'm not an unhappy person, just to be clear. My depression manifests typically as a lethargic lump like version of myself, where I am quite honestly afraid to go outside, and I think that my closest friends find me irritating and hate me. My most typical symptom is confusion and fatigue, usually making it extremely difficult to come up with the words that I really want to say. I don't get much sleep these days because I'm constantly in my head. I prefer to live in the here and now, but for the past four months that's been very difficult. I can't stop looking back while being afraid of the future.

I'm writing this because it's time that I move forward. I'm very scared that I'll fail at most things, but I'm also very scared that I will become (and in some cases remain) everything that I hate.

The best that I can say is that I am terrified, but trying my hardest to grow. That's all that I can ask of myself right now, just to grow and continue to learn. I am a happy, positive person, and I'm pretty darn excited to just improve.

If you read this post: Thank you. I appreciate your time.

Day 20 - Moments

It's funny to me that I wrote about dystopia etc and then hit Catching Fire last night. I loved that movie, simple as that. But the funny part wasn't the connection between the two of those things really. It was more how much of a hubbub I feel I make over fiction, and how much it digs into me. I cried at a certain part with a certain tribute (Mags), felt real anger and witnessed examples of real, human cruelty. I suppose what I'm getting at is my admiration for moments. While I loved the movie, I wouldn't call it a "fun" time when you see some of the horrors they subject people to. The fact that an art form of any kind can create moments that affect people astounds me! Simple as that.

Don't get me wrong, there were a couple of predictable moments in the story, but they didn't take anything away from the experience. And there it is! You can have certain things that your audience is already clued into (even if they are freakishly obvious), if your other moments capture those watching/reading/gaming etc.

EXAMPLE AND SPOILER
Cinna, played by Lenny Kravitz, creates a gown for Jennifer Lawrence's character, Katniss, to at first look like her fictional wedding dress as chosen by the villainous president. She spins, releasing an eye-catching flame that burns away the dress (and symbolic lie), to reveal a darker, bird themed dress w/ actual wings. The dress is fashioned after a mocking jay, the symbol of the rebellion and a clear bitch slap to President Snow. To add a second back-hand, Cinna blows a kiss to the camera that he clearly knows the president is watching from. If you have half a brain, you can kinda infer that Cinna 'bout to die, but the moment is worth it. As is his death scene in front of Katniss not seconds before she enters the 75th games.

Did I see it coming? Yes. Was it any less impactful? No! In fact, it generally adds a little something to include the audience before taking away something important. There are plenty of stories that simply give you a "by the way" or take someone/thing away off screen. That device pisses me off; offscreen deaths. It's rarely done well and, to me at least, feels like a  real lazy writing tool. "How do I explain what my other characters are doing while all of this is happening? Meh, fuck em! They died!" Now, that's a gross generalization as well as just my opinion, but still, I'm rarely a fan of "by the way, we killed your favorite wizards." Damn you Rowling and your wonderful prose and the fact that I actually forgive you for taking a few folks out behind the curtain.

A franchise that has become notorious for back-alley killings is Glee. Fuckin' Glee. Sonofabitching Glee. This show has long sense stopped knowing what it is/wants/what the hell it's doing. The writing makes me hurt, inside and out. Even in the memorial episode (where, yes, I did cry most of the episode) there were unnecessary piles in an otherwise good thing. The show used to be good because the writers allowed the characters awkward/off-kilter personas drive the narrative and create moments that you remember. Arty gets to walk for a few seconds, Sue's sisters funeral, Mr. Shu when he finds out his wife isn't pregnant, those were great moments! Well done and calmly, I might add. They allowed the past of the characters to be important, not relying on random-ass awkward humor (that's been gettin' pretty darn racist, sexist, etc in a really boring and kinda bad way for some time now), or new and strange character traits that make no damned sense in their arch! Tina as a cocky bitch with a Blaine fetish and a sorta molestation scene don't make sense...well, the Blaine fetish kinda does, but it's so creepy that it remains just that, creepy, failing to take the step into awkward-interesting (ala the office). The show, at this point, should just be about the main kids in New York (Kurt and Rachel...even as much as I hate Rachel), and Mr. Shu back at the glee club. Making a huge deal about Shu and Emma's breakup and their reconciliation and declaration that it will take time is good. Having him come in 1-2 episodes later with a side commented "Oh, and Emma and I are back together and the wedding is back on. It's going to be on..." is bad. It's really friggin' bad.

You get memorable moments the easiest by keeping your story simple, making sure the audience knows who is important. A shotgun blast of anything will remove the significance from everything, leaving only a mishmash and a great deal of blending, where you may remember the product existed, but can't find out why you ever participated in it.

Day 19 - Post Dystopiapocalypse

I pretty much need to say this with a general lack of decorum: dystopian and post-apocalyptic fiction gives me a completely reasonable figurative boner. I love to wonder about the what if that had to of gone through the writer's mind when they churned out their version of these genre nuggets. And what I dig so much is that they've been made so even as far back (and before) 1899 for Dystopia (When the Sleeper Wakes by H.G. Wells), and 1826 for Post-Apoc (The Last Man by Mary Shelley)! It is a part of our ever expanding upper-wrinkled facilities to wonder what could be; to think how we might adapt to ever growing population, food shortage, a meteor, zombies, social control, abject cruelty, manipulation, war (regular or extra nuclear), viruses and oh my sweet Lovecraft does the list ever go on!

Now to scratch the surface.

Dystopia

Wiki answer: a community or society that is in some important way undesirable or frightening. It is the opposite of a utopia.

Fiction example(s): Brave New World, Blade Runner, Shadowrun

Things from my brain: a civilization has achieved their "utopia" through the removal of an important human factor; typically control, environmental stability and so on. The system is typically long sense established.

Post-Apocalypse

Wiki answer: concerned with the end of human civilization. This apocalypse is typically portrayed as being due to a potentially existential catastrophe.

Fiction example(s): A Boy and His Dog, Fallout, World War Z (my favorite book)

Things from my brain: a land that is still reeling from the tragedy that forever changed its world; ie. a wasteland brought on by a world nuclear war, zombies are the dominant species due to virus and so on. The new world is still relatively new.

Blade runner has always been a favorite of mine (the games was killer too), and a huge fan favorite is Fallout, so they'll help start off. Not going into super detail, just a genre taster today.

Dystopia

Bladerunner. Wiki: depicts a dystopian Los Angeles in November 2019 in which genetically engineered organic robots called replicants—visually indistinguishable from adult humans—are manufactured by the powerful Tyrell Corporation as well as by other "mega-corporations" around the world. Their use on Earth is banned and replicants are exclusively used for dangerous, menial or leisure work on off-world colonies. Replicants who defy the ban and return to Earth are hunted down and "retired" by police special operatives known as "Blade Runners". The plot focuses on a desperate group of recently escaped replicants hiding in Los Angeles and the burnt-out expert Blade Runner, Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford), who reluctantly agrees to take on one more assignment to hunt them down.

Post-Apocalypse

Fallout. Wiki: a series of post-apocalyptic role-playing video games created by Interplay Entertainment. Although the series is set during the 22nd and 23rd centuries, its retro futuristic setting and artwork are influenced by the post-war culture of 1950s America, and its combination of hope for the promises of technology and lurking fear of nuclear annihilation. Game 1: Released in 1997, Fallout takes place in a post-apocalyptic Southern California, beginning in the year 2161. The protagonist is tasked with recovering a water chip in the Wasteland to replace the broken chip in his or her home, Vault 13. Fallout's atmosphere and artwork are reminiscent of post-WWII America and the nuclear paranoia that was widespread at that time.

The beautiful thing about these two genres is that the world itself has a tendency to be a main character (usually an antagonist), that the main character(s) must overcome, accept, change or otherwise affect or be affected by it as the catalyst for questioning the validity of the current system.

Both are juicy, typically done the same way by a frightening amount of writers (with exceptions of course), and are favorites of mine. Again, not a ton of depth today, just a taster.

Day 14 - Penny Arcade

I have many people I look up too, but for art and right out "being a dork," my heart sorta belongs to Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik of Penny Arcade. Truth, I did have to google how to spell Mike's last name. I chose now to bring them up because the 18th of this month, Penny Arcade celebrated its 15th year, being founded November 18th 1998. Notably, their 15th brought out some sweet swag and Mike also redrew the original strip (below). Truth 2, I did buy the commemorative swag, and to reiterate: it is, indeed, sweet.

the first penny arcade strip

the 15th anniversary edition

Penny Arcade, for the uninitiated, is a web comic that centers around mostly gamer culture and the regular mutilation of one or more of the two main characters. The two main characters, though not at first, are loosely, and sometimes dead on, the series creators and heads, Mike and Jerry (Gabe and Tycho, respectively). Penny Arcade's subject matter and sense of humor and timing is right up my alley, ranging from crass, violent and dirty to poignant, witty and sentimental. Mike draws and does punch up, while Jerry writes and co-conceptualizes, typically churning out 3 comics a week!

I wasn't there from the beginning. I tuned in once, thought it was cool and didn't really latch on as I was afraid of sinking further into my true geek side. I'm not being cute, I really was afraid. I first heard about the site and strip during my fifth week of college, 2004, from my first room mate, Coco. Coco was solid gold, and what I like to refer to as a "gateway nerd." More on that later. It wasn't until only two years ago that I checked the site out again, but it wasn't the comic that I first latched on to. It was Penny Arcade - The Series. Even if you aren't a gamer, the series is worth a look. The PA team is involved with and has created many things that are good and amazing (PAX, Child's Play, Strip Search to name a few), but today it's all about The Series.

penny arcade the series - season 1, episode 1 - The Pilot, pt 1

The Series is a backstage look at Penny Arcade, primarily focusing on Mike and Jerry, but branching out to the other incredible members of their staff in their day-to-day and special events. Though it does have the air of stalker-ish to say, you really get to know the cast and crew of the Penny Arcade family. The Series showcases damn-near everything, from PAX footage (Penny Arcade Expo...more on that later), to office work, to specials on pranks (Pepsi, 'nuff said), the office ping-pong matches (no shit), and even weddings and family life and more. There was even an especially powerful episode that talked about Mike and Jerry's life with anxiety/depression (something that most dorks, me included, know a thing or two about), and their experience and opinions about a particular serotonin re-uptake inhibitor (Lexapro). On the real, they share their lives, both professional and private, and it's interesting and entertaining the whole way through. Like many who are fans of their work, I felt like I was given a confidence boost, even a pass to be a geek, watching the series. It was an inside scoop and sort of comfort to see brilliant, talented, good people as the spokes-folks for gamers and nerds, as it were.

penny arcade the series - season 1, episode 18 - Drugs

In no small way, they made me unafraid, even helped me become proud to be passionate about what I love. For me, and for a boat load of the world, games matter just as much as any medium. They were my escape and favorite form of story-telling growing up, and that has stuck with me now that I'm in my 28th year. I've felt every emotion through gaming, just as much as I had from books, TV and the big screen. Games matter for so many reasons that I don't need to go into now. But for some reason, they're still touted as a waste of time, and those that are passionate about them even more so. Yes, it's gotten better since I was a kid, no question, but it's only been a year or three where I can confidently take my 3DS out in a public place and receive only a small glance and harrumph from the occasional doink. Penny Arcade has become something of the pioneers for us, the gamers and geeks, creating a powerful and positive beacon on the planet for anyone who is/was/will be passionate about gaming, and being proud of who you are. For me and many others, Penny Arcade has helped us grow.

In recognition of their 15 years, I don't have much to give, but you have my thanks, and my admiration. Thank you to Mike Krahulik, Jerry Holkins, and the entire Penny Arcade family. You're doing so many wonderful things, making the world for so many so much brighter.

This is just a small, minute really, taste of PA. It's just the first thing that got me hooked. If you're interested, please check out the videos above, and follow the link below to hit their website.

http://www.penny-arcade.com/

Thank you for your time, those of you that made it this far.

Andrew

Day 13 - Who Needs Sleep

I am the worlds worst actual sleeper. I'm not comparing myself with insomniacs, just with those who can squeeze out a wink here and there. When I sleep, such as last night, I get an average of 7 hours in time unconscious. Those 7 hours are filled with nightmares, constant wake ups and general shit restlessness. In reality, in those 7 hours, I'm probably getting closer to 3 max. I'm melting here. My joints ache, my head is cloudy and yet when I lay down for sleep after a long day, I'm not tired. Fuck.

To combat this irritating lack of rest, I'm trying a more stringent schedule of physical what not. I mean, there's a fairly good chance that I'm just anxious due to excess energy. Nothing big. Heading back to crossfit tomorrow, finally, so I need sleep tonight. Real sleep, sweet Moses. And again we come to HabitRPG, which is now an impressive color wheel of tasks filled with even more physical exertion.

If I'm being honest, I hate my body. Can't stand the way I look. I'm strong, fast and more flexible than the average guy. I'm very smart and okay looking without any real debilitating issues save for an in-rehab shoulder and knee (nothing severe). But I look in the mirror and find that the way I look does not match the things I'm able to do and it pisses me off. My vanity is just strong enough to effect me and I would love nothing more than to bitch slap it. Better yet, I just want to be stronger, faster, more flexible and lookin' fuckin' fine. Bawla shiet, yo! Kids still talk like that, right? Meh. I hope not.

The real of all of this is I'm 28 and ready to be the man I've always known I can be. Which is a
warrior-monk-poet-philosopher-teacher-inspiration guru thing. I will take up my octagonal staff and lay waste to the demons of hell! Fuck them bitches! It's their time!...Okay, in this scenario, the octagonal staff is really my potential, while the demons of hell that I might be laying waste to are more figurative, truly being my languid attitude and/or years spent slacking and otherwise doing jack.

I've got that weird buzzing behind my eyes and a taste not unlike bunk and pennies on my tongue. Two things: 1. I have a ton to do and I'm a tad blech about doing them though they will be done. 2. When they are done I will make bank in HabitRPG and can buy a new helmet and probably a shield. I care.

I blame and thank Sena for my recent intake in vegetarian cuisine. It's great, affordable and I feel good...mostly...after eating. Now here's the rub: I'm too active to not eat meat and I kinda forgot that until the buzzing headache this morning. Protean and animal fat makes me feel good. Greens too kale is awesome, but dammit I sure need some animal flesh! Did you ever watch Looney Toons? Remember when they'd be stranded on a desert island or stricken with poverty and one would look to the other to find them transformed into a ham, hot dog turkey leg or steak? Sorry Sena, you're looking like a burrito right now. If I did resort to cannibalism and did happen to murder and eat her, it would be doing so to a vegetarian. It would be therefor be both healthier and natural, like kobe or applewood, and ironic. Now's the time to mention I am kidding. I think. It's hard to tell right now, through the headache and hunger. No I am. *nods* *shakes head* *nods* *and so on and so on*

Day 9 - Mr. Harris

Chris Harris was my high school drama teacher. I owe him a great deal for my love of theater and film. He was picky and stubborn, occasionally hot-tempered, always passionate and surprisingly funny. He would berate us, praise us, reward us and insult us, preparing us for a fraction of the real performing arts world. You could tell by the intensity of his rants how close we were to showtime. "How was rehearsal?" my father would ask, setting up a joke he'd heard the punch-line to over and over again. "Well, we just got the 'you don't care enough' speech about two weeks before showtime," I would say, and my father would smile and close with, "Right on schedule then."

Harris was many things, but most of all he was a good man. A person who cared about his medium and was a shockingly good teacher as I switch on my powers of hindsight. He thought in pictures that everyone could access. On a shoe string budget he would create beautiful set pieces and reuse them until they'd disintegrated and ceased being anything. He'd pull a professional level performance (usually) out of 14-18 year olds and we'd pack a house every night.

Of note, he had a knack for the simple and subtle. It's because of him that I love the plays Our Town and especially The White Rose, my all-time favorite show.

Respectively, those two shows are about life and belief, which I have been known to obsess about and research the possibilities therein. They are shows that, when allowed, breathe life into the actors and then the audience. Usually its the actors taking a script and giving it life for the folks in the bleachers to enjoy, but those shows just don't need that much help. Even the set pieces are usually a simple black stage with a couple of chairs, maybe a table here and there, and the simplest of lighting cues. They let your imagination do the rest, as it should, filling the stage on its own while the minute details lull you into the story without calling attention to themselves (a personal favorite being Mr. Webb's hand bandage. When done right, it's around his palm, as it would be if you were cutting an apple and the knife slipped). It's about honesty, integrity and heart and what is true to the words and world in those pages. They're smart shows without being heavy handed about their messages (well...in terms of theater). They allow you to draw conclusions and formulate your own ideas and while there is a definitive ending to both, they don't tell you what is right and wrong. Those two shows are what sealed the deal for me as an actor and writer. They are minimalist, well written shows about two things that everyone relates too at their core, life and belief.

I did those shows in high school, playing Doc Gibbs and Anton Mahler. They are still two of my favorite characters I've found, and are both stories that I wan't my kids to know. White Rose will be the first play that I ever direct (unless a boat load of cash says otherwise). Mr. Harris brought them both to us, taking a chance on a group of brats madly obsessed about theater and story-telling, giving at least one teen a real view of the art form he loves.

I lost track of Mr. Harris over the years, only popping in once or twice to say "Hi" and check on his new crop of kids (which were dicks the last time I was around). I'm assuming he retired a year or two ago and is living with the dreams he wanted to fulfill. I'll probably track him down when I get my next big project up and running. I think he'd like it. I've always had this fantasy of him speaking or doing a workshop if he was interested. Might be cool.

I've shied away from theater and acting in general, for the most part, for about 5 years. A stupid decision, if you ask me. People say that nature should take its course and that eventually you'll find what it is you want to do/be when you grow up. Grown, I'm back to acting, film, theater, all around performing, and I damn sure regret taking those years off. I'm not bitter or anything, just craving the last 1825 days be returned to me. That being an impossibility, I turn my energy to making up for lost time. I've been and done many things, and with my sights set finally on a future I can see so clearly, I can only imagine the next things that I'll do.

My vision is clear and focused, and on the horizon where which I point my gaze, I see nothing that isn't opportunity, shared and enriched by friends and family.

Day 6 - Bad Gyro Man Bad!!!

Don't eat at Arabian Nights. Don't you do it! $8 for a tiny gyro that gave me the greatest case of rot gut I've had this side of the flu. It had almost no taste up front, was burnt, and the after-taste was closer to a rectum packed with onions than anything else. Don't eat there. That is all.

With my energy sapped that's to Bad Gyro Man, I've been hard pressed to get much done today. Though I did get to spend another couple of hours in Scott and Domeka's improv class, which is always a good thing. Not much to say there, other than I really love being there. Really, I miss performing and I'm glad I'm getting more opportunities to do so.

My head is cloudy and my gut is roiling. Not digging this. Mostly been prepping things for completion on the morrow. It's a good thing. Tomorrow is another round of teaching my freaking amazing students at the best dance studio I've ever been a part of (Vega Dance + Lab for the win. www.vegadancelab.com). No matter the blah that could happen during the week, Vega cures what ails ya.


I'm a geek, and therefor I love video games. I love them the same way I love books and movies and stories in general. They are more than my escape, they are my safe place, an inspiration and refreshingly frivolous. So when I snag one that stands out, I latch on. This year I've found so many drops of the juice, lemme tell you. Those that have been standing out have been presenting real consequences and challenges that you'd find in the good ol real world. Guns in The Last of Us are probably the best example. You get a hand full of bullets in the beginning, when you fire it's loud and unnerving, and knowing that last bullet could be the one that saves you from certain death gives a real weight is just a snazzy poke in the gullet.

It is my favorite mechanic/hook in games: scavenging. It's the ability to go beyond looting; to take the pieces of armor/chiton/scrap metal/fabric/hyde etc. and use them to make yourself stronger. It makes the world more important to you. To me, it makes each kill more humanizing and the opposite. It makes some see monsters/enemies as nothing more than equipment, makes them worth risking their life, makes player-created items all the more impressive to you and yours, and enriches the experience. Taking something from something else to create or bolster something new is a win. You're creating a functional trophy, one that just might save that skin of yours.

Now think about if you could scavenge/harvest etc aspects of other players. A huge dynamic shift. More on that later. The gyro is back. Ow.

PS. HabitRPG is gold. Level 6. Got an Axe, leather armor, wooden shield and a pet red panda. Score.

Day 5 - Good with the Bad. Forward and Remembering.

Today was great. I share my life with wonderful people who make the experience all the sweeter. Taking dance class with friends is always a joy, especially from and with the people that I'm lucky enough to learn from. Zach and Sena hit Burly Q with me today, taking Daniels subbing routine and then taking my class. Daniel's routine was my wheel-house, it was my jam to a certain degree and I had such a blast. Evie, my boss lady who usually teaches that class, is two things: lucky to have a sub like him, and moreover, an enormous inspiration of mine. I don't know where I would be without her and I don't care because she's a bamf and in my life.

Simple stuff: Got some slick kicks, got some work done, had and made and had again some great food and got more work done. I'm tellin' ya, I'm on the right path.

Shit: Been watching Glee and have been retching at the shite plot and horrid writing. I get it, Sue is a dick and oh look, another twat cheerleader. Meh. Then I watched the episode "The Quarterback," which celebrated the life and unfortunate passing of Cory Monteith and thus the passing of his character Finn Hudson. I couldn't stop crying. It reminded me of my cousin, Will. I've lost many people in my life, but his death was and still is the hardest for me.

My cousin was my hero, and the closest thing I had to a brother when I was younger. I was 11, it was sunny outside, and it was spirit week at my school, Cottrell Elementary (now a charter school under another name, which blows my mind). I remember it was spirit week because I was so stoked for the next day. It was camo day, which just meant that we raided the local Army surplus (Sgt. Gators), and hid in plain sight. I was sewing a senior sergeant's patch onto the sleeve of my jacket, watching the Nickelodeon tv show Roundhouse (look it up. it was awesome), when my father walked in. Looking back, he was clearly down. Then, I wasn't paying any attention. He said, "Hey dude." "Hey, Dad," I responded. "What cha watching?" he asked. I didn't drop a stitch. "Roundhouse. Getting ready for camo day tomorrow." "Oh yeah. Yeah, that's really cool." I don't know why it didn't register that something was wrong. "Son, Will died last night." His exact words. My head popped up and the world didn't exist for the next twenty-or-so minutes. I couldn't honestly hear anything after that. I remember every detail from that day, except what came out of his mouth next.

I'd later learn that my cousin had an enlarged heart (as well as some other choice information that I don't yet feel comfortable sharing. maybe some day). My cousin died in my father's arms, in front of our family. I wasn't there and I don't have the right to describe the scene. I'm told he was caring, apologetic and thought of everyone else there in his last moments. He was the best person. I miss him to this day. He was 20.



The funeral took over the school auditorium. My uncles, both blues musicians, played beautiful music, my uncle Chris (who recently passed himself) sang Too Close to Heaven. I'll never forget that song or that performance. In honesty, that memory helps define a part of me, and I'm grateful that I experienced it. There were beautiful speeches, but I really can't remember them. I was so angry and I sort of just blocked it all out. The thing I do remember, were his videos. He used to make this hilarious home-recording TV shorts. The kicker was him singing Let it Be by the Beatles, in a haunting falsetto. The entire auditorium stood and joined hands, myself included, but I was the only one who didn't cry. I didn't cry for a month after that either, until I pushed a kid over at school for nothing. I'd always been angry, but I was broken after he died. My Dad got the call from school and was appropriately pissed off at me, yelling at me. I tried to run away, then tried to hit him and run again and he grabbed me and held me tight. I balled, choking out, "I miss him so much." My dad said, "I miss him too," with the same amount of tears.

My life is a good thing, and I am doing very great things and can only see more of the up and up in the future. Every once in a while, however, something will remind you of the past, and I am certainly no exception. So today I remember my cousin, William Mayther. He was one of my biggest heroes, and is still a part of my person. I say all of that, the good and the bad, not to make myself or anyone sad, but just to share a small part of what such a wonderful soul brought to the world. If anyone did read this, thank you for making it this far. I really appreciate it.

Day 2 - Short and Long

I'm one for the blitz, the overkill, the shotgun blast. Always have been. Paring my life down has been, and will continue to be, something of a chore. I have it written somewhere that just because I'm narrowing my focus, it doesn't mean that I'll be limiting myself from new things. I'm still fairly narrow minded there. C'est la vie. I'm working on it.

In my pursuit of happyness, I've made a great many friends. The crew I currently roll with is solid gold. I'm talking local and the regular hang. Zach, Sara, Sena, Aaron. Such a group, let me tell you. All talented in a weird, sorta freakish way, these four have helped me see who I am and who I can become. Both are good.

The best part is that we're all enablers. We enable each other to both excel at our passions (whether that's through encouragement etc or actual assistance), and to do new/random/stupid/excellent shit. Case in point: Roller Skating. I've been a fan for a while, never consistent but always enthusiastic. Tonight we hit a personal favorite of mine: good ol' Oaks Park (http://www.oakspark.com/roller-skating.html). If tonight is the right night (can never remember the dj schedule) then the jams will be just right for me to fall on my ass and laugh. Honestly, I'm stoked.

This HabbitRPG thing is giving me the strangest burst in productivity. It's too early to tell, but only a couple of days into it and I'm feeling that gamer itch. I'm now level 3, and I'm excited to accomplish my tasks. I have proposed this several times, but I feel that life itself should have an exp bar with associated rewards. When I say this, I'm usually met with (skill and cash are you rewards for your experience in real life). Eat a dick, it's not the same thing. I can't slay things in real life unless I go hunting! Which brings me to another interesting franchise that is another boost in my creativity.

Seriously...I can't praise this enough. My favorite anime in years (which is saying something these days, lemme tell you). It's smart, charming, refreshingly real if you're a dork, well designed, blah, blah, etc.

Simple premise: SAO is THE new VMMORPG (v is for virtual) in the not too distant future. 10000 people log-on launch day, finding themselves in a stunning fantasy game. The world is just as true as real life, but you get the added benefit of being a bonafide badass in short work. The twist is that not one person can log-out, and if you die in the game, you die in real life! Also, if someone tries to unplug you in real life, you're fucked too. It adds a real weight to something that I've found refuge in for so many hours, a real consequence, something tangible and frightening. Also, it makes me droll just a tad. The only way for the characters to log-out, is for them to clear the 100 floors and beat the end-game boss at the top. I'll no-doubt do a whole thing on this anime at some point, so I'll leave it there with the plot. I love the show, love the premise and Reki Kawahara is my freaking hero. Way to gift the world something fresh and two of my favorite characters of all time (Kirito and Asuna).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sword_Art_Online

I'm finding, as I narrow, that I'm surrounded by amazing things that are pushing me forward. As I relax, I find that I don't need to work as hard to force anything. It all comes naturally. A lot of people already know that, but I sure didn't. It feels good to trust in the process. 

Day 1 - In The Beginning

A new project. The short is that I am, once again, trying to focus and keep direction. I'm a tad more mature and driven this time around, so we'll see how this one goes. I'm both stoked and clear on pretty much everything, so here's me jumping in.

I want to make movies, cartoons, video games, comics and books. I want to perform and teach, play the guitar and be happy. It's pretty simple. Art degree it is. Encompasses everything I want to do and gets me good and sure up on the such that I need/want to be good at. Simple.

I like these ARG (augmented reality games) that are getting so popular. I've tried tons. Plant Nanny (https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/plant-nanny/id590216134?mt=8) has pretty well stuck. It's like Pokemon for dehydrated obsessives. Score. Mostly, I'm into this new one called HabitRPG (http://habbitrpg.com). It's slick and 8-Bit, which means I get aroused (which is always a bonus and I really hope you know I'm kidding [mostly]). Simple premise: you sign up (easily connected to facebook), you get a little customizable avatar and basic gear (wooden sword and clothes ftw) and you input your life as +'s and -'s. + gets you EXP (experience) and money, - makes you loose HP. Loose too much HP and you die. Seriously. You die. Your avatar is 86ed and you have to start over. I dig it.

(not my character. just an example.)
You use money to buy real life privilages (in my case: junk food for 1 gold or dining out, or a new video game for 20, which I'll probably up to 30.) Eventually, so I'm told, you can buy pets. Which is good, because I can't own one in my apartment and, let's face it, a man needs a pet.

That's the gist. So far it's fun and it's keeping me on task. go check it out for yourself and let me know what you think.

The second part of all of this is an actual purpose for this blog. It's really just for me. I've tried topical posts before, but an unfocused blog with an agenda is kinda bunk. So, it's just a diary from here on out. It's just to keep me accountable and keep my fingers typing when I'm riddled with writers block. Healthy choice, feels right, simple as that.

Lastly, I sought out a dance mentor. I've had a few of these over the years, all good at something else, all encouraging, all wonderful. The one that I've been most frightened of is a Jazz instructor. Jazz is my jam. I love it, and I feel best doing it. Problem is, I care most about it. Seem silly? It is. Intimidated that I wouldn't be good enough. Pushed that aside, reached out to a Mr. Daniel Brown (who is, in short, a bamf [urban dictionary that shit]). He's agreed to take me on and I'm stoked. Can't talk highly enough about him.

Things are moving in the right direction for the simple reason that I'm finally making them. Feels good. Simple as that.

Dev. Diary 1

Full disclosure: I have watched exactly 6 hours of cartoons today. Which is a low number, as of late. Don't get me wrong, I did work. I got some shit done, son! That being said, I watched 6 hours of cartoons today. It was, in part, to research a new project that I'm undertaking (more on that later). It was also this splendid display of thumb-up-my-assery that I was using to avoid writing my next book.

Here's the skinny: the plot is done. Seriously, the entire series is planned and rarin' to go. Truth be told: I am terrified...I will say that again, this time in caps to illustrate my juvenile frustration, TERRIFIED to start the next book. It has nothing to do with what I think of myself as a writer or person, or what others think of me. It's this fear of not making a fuckin' dime! Ever! Which is lame and ironic, yes, as pushing forward would only increase the possibility of success. Why don't I just do it? I blame Obama... Okay, that's not true.

SO, to get myself off the horse of procrastination, I've tried a few things, namely: more procrastinating. Video games, coffee, sitting and then the inevitable time-waster: Stumble Upon (this thing is a procrastinators wet dream, lemme tell you). And low and behold, as I stumbled upon (see what I did there?) various things, learning to make adapters for multiple coat hangers with soda tabs, and an easy trick with a pool noodle to help keep your kids from falling out of bed (I shit you not, that was a real thing!), I came across this and it's subsequent links (ps, TED is amazing and you should check out more of the related videos):

http://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action.html

What's that, Ass? You smell robust this evening. Is it the fire that has been lit under you? I think it is!

Okay, yes, it's hokey. I listened to a self help seminar and it made be want to succeed. Not new for you? It's rare for me.

The point of this post? Well, check this fuckin' shit out: 

Yes, Tom is back.

Teaser trailer? Sure: SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL!!! (actual teaser tid-bit to come later).

Now, I sleep.

Andrew