You've Got Growing Up to Do.

It's 3:08 AM and I'm still awake. Not wide awake. 75% maybe? I'm still awake because I'm an insomniac. I'm an insomniac because I'm stressed most of the time I that I think about the next thing that I have to do. And the next thing is never alone. It's never one thing. It's a shotgun blast of many, many fulfilling project and opportunities. A metric fuck-ton of big dreams and slim to jack-shit budgets. The things I've taken on in my life have all lead me to greater things and incredible people and experiences. Payment is not one of these things.

I look forward, and I budget during the wee-hours. I do what responsible people do when they want something. I brainstorm and I ask the questions: Do I have enough cash to get this going? And if not: How much will I have to work/how much do I need/and what will I have to do to make this happen? I spend a great deal of time trying to budget my time, willpower and finances to fulfill many, many dreams, mine and those of others, and usually I come up on top! Or at the very least near the top with room to improve. And for years this has been fine. I've been happy while not having a savings and a solid 100% that I don't have any real monetary assets beyond three figures. As long as the projects got done, I was happy and reasonably healthy.

I'm still happy, and every day I get stronger, but today I realized something: The relative success of my projects and my ability to stay afloat financially has been largely luck based. I've made enough due to commissions/gifts/flukes and the like. When it's flowing, the luck and money, I'm smiling. But I've relied so heavily, subconsciously, on this luck based income that I had no plan for when/if/should it bottom out and leave me high and dry. And here we come to why I'm awake at now 3:16 AM (typing is hard when I'm stressed).

The money's gone. Okay, not gone, but definitely to a point that I need to be fairly concerned. I've never been here before. Not like this. And it's not that I'm afraid of being here or not used to it either, it's that I sit and ponder what loop hole for circumstance that I might be able to fall into and I'm just not finding one this time. I hit a wall, if you will, and the only thing that I can actually come up with is that my usual brand of dumb-luck just isn't working. As much of a planner as I am, I never truly factored in the "real world." The holy shit moments when budget is actually screwed. Every time the money as always come close to running out, I would get either a gift, or a random ass gig that let me float a bit more (save for a horrific year in college back in early 2000. Eggs, rice, occasional ramen. Always hungry. Always tired. Always stressed. Nervous breakdown. 'Nuff said).

It never once occurred to me that my budgeting wasn't accurate, because I was actually factoring in random-ass "what if" possibilities into paychecks. But they are gone, these moments and I just now realized why. I have been drastically changing my life for the past year for the better. It's all good stuff! However, I was still planning my budget according to how I'd been up until this past year. I've cut out some income spots that used to give me good ol' rando checks, but still included them in my plans. And so we return to the why of my insomnia. Decisions.

It's all simple and annoying: I have to make a few big boy decisions in the next couple of days. I have to evaluate my dreams, plans, job, etc, and some things won't make the cut. Some of these things are minor and include petty shit that I don't need. Others are much larger. Others include dreams that I have that I'll have to pass on if I can't figure something out. There's a very good chance that these dreams, these big things, will not be possible in any way right now. There's one very expensive one that I'd been working toward off and on that will most probably lose. Primarily because I just don't make enough. But that's a part of what being a real adult is. You must admit where you're weak in order to become stronger. This is my weakness.

It is not a good feeling, admitting weakness and accepting change. But it's not bad, either. It's also not that earth-shattering, when I get down to it, it just sucks. It blows, having to admit your plans are screwed and that you have to drop a portion of opportunities because you lack funding. It's the worst real world slap in the dick that you have to deal with. Money makes the world go round. Just as Joel Gray.

So here I am: being a good man, evaluating my situation, preparing to do the right thing, the adult, responsible, irritating-assed thing. I know the right decision, and I'll see it through in a proper way, but it doesn't make stepping down from a big dream any easier.

I'll be better for it in the short and long, though.

And it is with a sigh of relief, pride and slight cynical snark that I write these next words: It's time to grow up. It's time to be the man that I've always wanted to be, to be the hero that I idolize in my friends and family and mentors. I am a good man, a driven dreamer with more strength and control than I have allowed myself. I take my first step into adulthood, into the life that I've always wanted, that I've been working forward to for so long. I do so by removing my childish mindset in planning, by admitting my greatest fears and weaknesses and by not overcoming them, but by leaving them behind in favor of greater strength and humility.

I read this back over at 3:50 AM after writing it. Still couldn't sleep. It's a much needed change, the new path I'm setting out on. I like this new path. I'm a bit scared to leave some things of myself behind, but I know that it is the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do. The decision still fuckin' blows and I'm sad that I have to make it, but it is the right thing to do.

The Internet Invaded

I remember hitting Wordstock in my home town a couple years back. I'm a big fan of the fest, actually, but like any convention of any kind there has to be...has to fuckin' be, at least one titan level dick-head.

His name will be left out 'cause...well...daddy can't afford a lawsuit. Also, I can't remember his damn name for the life of me.

What I do remember is his supreme arrogance. Grandiose? Maybe. True? Shit-yes, Baby. He had this cock-sure line about "The Internet Invaders" and how these bloggers/self-publishers and the like are ruining the written word and sullying the good name of literature as a whole. He sited the ability of easily publishing your work to the web, and therefore the general world, as being nothing more than the work of amateurs and, my favorite: "...fiction whores! Possibly decent authors and literary would-bes who think themselves above 'the grind.'"

I laughed at that last bit. "Above the grind." As if self-publishing isn't a royal pain-in-the-ass that can erode the ol' soul just as much as the search for a traditional publisher. But, perhaps I'm misguided in my interpretation of his words. Or maybe he's on to something. Maybe it should be like a psycho shit-lottery that requires you to not only churn out a high-quality... Ya know what, never mind. I was going to be all sarcastic and what not, but that doesn't serve anyone. He was an archaic, short-sited dick who chose to crap on something new because it was easier to do and less frightening than admitting that he might have to update his methods. His methods, not his work. He had merit, sure, or he wouldn't have been speaking at a convention. So if you're talented enough to get a job, why freak out that someone came out with a device/option to help make you more money? Nothing to fear, everything to gain.

Here's the real. Selling your book is a bitch. It's enough of a challenge for many people to churn out something really sellable, let alone hook yourself an agent and/or publisher out of the gate. Your first book is probably not going to be your masterpiece, even if you're good and it rocks, and that's okay! You've got more options these days than found in the Way-Way-Back Machine. Take advantage!

The part I always have to remind myself is that it's the entertainment business. Even if it wasn't, it's always been hard work and "who you know" in every business. If you're given a leg up (in this case: the internet), take it! It's still no guarantee that you'll be the next Steven King, Rowling or Twilight Lady (yeah, didn't take the time to look her up), but every little bit o help...uh...helps...

If I've learned anything over the years, it's that everything has value, especially if it adds another avenue for success/discovery. There is no right answer other than this, "Keep moving forward."

Agent? Money? Head Exploding? HARD WORK!

There is a spray-painted banner in Black Rose (my crossfit-gym), that reads: "hardworkhardworkhardworkhardwork" and so on. Like any cheese-ball, inspiration-hungry, word hyphen word geek, I do my best to stare a hole into that banner every time I'm in for a good ol' asshyphenkicken. And I know that those words are the key to success...but I really want a magic formula.

But really, a magic formula? There isn't one, as it turns out, not to success.

The best you can do is work hard and hope to high-fuck that someone likes your work. For a creative professional (or an aspiring one, for that matter), this only mildly boils the brain.

You work hard, you put yourself out there, you think you've created something good (and probably have done just that), but you still aren't rollin' in the ching-chang...money... I'm right there, right now and it had/has been driving me kinda loopy. Honestly, its been throwing me off for a few months. I kept thinking "All I need is an agent!" After I had been thinking "All I need is a publisher!" After I had been thinking "All I need is to finish my book!" I've got the book, but no publisher or agent, and only today did I get some clarity! "All I need is hard work!"

I may have been dealing with some bigger stuff that was hampering me, but I'm stronger than that and damn smart enough to know that I can't stop. I need to push forward especially when things are horrid.

Yeah. I know. It's simple and a fairly face-palm-epiphany that you hear from the day you take on your first chore, to the day you retire, until you're telling your grand-kids the same such.

I always forget that part. Life is not a movie, you don't (generally) strike it rich out of the gate as a creative kind, or have those parents/friends of parents/bang Sandra Bullock in The Proposal (loved that movie, actually...seriously...) that get you into the big leagues. I always forget because I don't register failure, I think, which is both good and bad...but that's for later.

The two things that kick me forward lately are inspiring speeches (always loved these, actually, and here's a good one: http://youtu.be/zuBSRC1zpHw ), and finally...finally listening to other professionals. Both say the same thing that no one wants to hear because they know it's the truth: Keep drying, don't give up etc...

Disney once said, "Keep moving forward..." and yes, a million others have said the same thing. They're all right, it's all sound, and I'm doing my best to listen.

Step 1: Make use of what I already have. Material and talent wise. Things will develop from there.

Step 2: Maintain these things. Repetition.

Step 3: Inspire these things. Feed the obsessive talent-hungry monster in my gut. I'm good at this one.

Step 4: Check back in on maintenance. I'm very bad at this part.

Repeat forever while taking time to relax and enjoy it all. I forget this too.

I'ma try this. I really feel like it's time to grow up. More on that later.