I believe it was the great Popeye who said, "I am what I am and that's all that I am."
The more experienced I get, the more I find out who I am. As it should be. The rough patch is accepting what I'm not. I'm having a hard time with this, the whole "limitations" thing.
I've always wanted to be the best. Period. That's it. Since I was a little kid, I was afraid of being the worst, so I dreamed of being the best at every last thing. And, fair enough, what child doesn't want to be a geneticist-poet-millionaire-playboy-insert-other-cookie-things-here? The rough patch has only reared it's very figuratively-real head within the last two years. Two years ago, I looked in the mirror and thought that I was the single worst thing on the planet (I'm better now, don't worry).
I've been doing some personal work, lemme tell you, and part of that is finding what I'm good at. I'm a part of so many projects (holy crap there's a metric fuck-ton), not to mention the personal maintenance and training I'm going/have had to go through over the past deuce. The whole time, I was trying to find what it was that I truly loved and wanted to dedicate my years too. What I was best and worst at, I needed to know.
SO, the short of it was easy: I wanna be a dancer and writer, over everything else, with inspirational so-and-so thrown in for good measure.
The thing that makes my life complete (aside from food, friends and good ol' fashioned fun), is the arts. They are the most inspirational thing on the planet, they influence our societies (I'm counting hip hop, of course, and yes, Jersey Shore...seriously), and they make us think. The funny thing is, most people tear down other artists for being different. He's to abstract, to excited, to dark, to modern, to...you get it. And for some time, I was so angry when I heard this. That was until a friend set me right, or at least, opened my eyes and ears. He said (paraphrasing): I love where your heart is at.
Something about that, the lack of judgement and the abundance of simplicity, something stuck with me. I look out now and I have mostly stopped seeing a group of negative asses. What I see now is a group that lacks the inspiration/confidence to believe in themselves, and so they tear others down. I'm not mad at fear. How could I be? Fear keeps us alive, keeps us from fighting howler monkeys, from eating the molded cheese brick that has been sitting in my fridge for two weeks. How could I be mad at self preservation?
Instead, I've been working to remember his words, and my favorite quote: "I will not reason and compare, my business is to create..." - William Blake.
The short of it? Who gives a shit about the guy that hates you? What did you think about what you love to do? Was it the best you could give or is tomorrow going to feel better than today? Hippy? Yes! But, it's also something that I've had to teach myself, over and over, until it finally sank in.
I allowed someone else to tell me what I was good at and what I should be doing. Then I listened to the people who would raise me up as I do for them (hint: these are the people that matter). My life changed and I became powerful. I gained purpose and a confidence that (though I may have bad days) no one can take away from me.
I am an artist. I'm a writer, a dancer and I will inspire those around me to find their true strength and reach their goals.
If I'm going to the top, you're all coming with me.
Andrew
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