I (a little)

I want connection. I feel that's a fairly commonly sought-after something. I feel that everyone wants to be connected, hence the popularity of the internet which I have no idea how to use to its fullest.

I woke up this morning craving conversation or new ideas or some-such. I had work to do and a parking meeter to pay, so that came first. Parking paid, work done and washed, my craving switched into full nervousness.

I get here a load more than I would like. I'm nervous or stressed or befuddled, confounded, dumb-struck a great much of the time. It happens when  I think too much or lay sedentary.

I do a great deal, many many things of various this and that. I spend my time well, though some would say too much. I have this drive, an overriding need to do something. I need to learn, to practice, to grow, to do something. Most people do, I would think. I would like to think.

I run on adrenaline and don't really know how to recharge. I would love to be taught how to relax. How to calm my mind and not stress, not de-stress but just not stress.

I'm very unskilled in the art of everyday breathing. I hold my breath whenever I'm idle. My chest is often tight from anxiety. Not negativity, mind you, but I get that feeling of anxiousness when there's "nothing to do" and you have all the energy in the world to get it done.

I need to learn. It helps me forcibly relax. Something new makes something calm overcome the wad of nerves that usually binds in my diaphragm, crunching and squeezing together my insides. Too dramatic, I feel, but it's fairly accurate. I usually have this knot of nerves, everyone does, of stress tension right below my sternum.

I can control it, if I have ample time to do so. I sit or lay down and I focus on the spot and I breathe and visualize the knot becoming water and flowing out. I can usually get it done in a few minutes. It actually feels like my entire body breathes for the first time. It's pretty cool.

I have big dreams. I also have big road-blocks in motivation at times. When it's more than "at times" and it becomes "at always," I rarely do any work on said dreams. I clutter. I think most people do, when they feel stopped. They sit and collect as they try to find that missing piece, as if that missing piece were the compass to the right path or a key to door number 2 where destiny awaits.

I waste my time, according to other blogs. I spend time doing things that are not inherently helpful or productive. I also don't agree with these opinions. I do think that I could spend my time differently, but that falls under the "duh-epiphany" or "everyday-epiphany" or "No-Shit-epiphany." Some examples include: "I really should take the trash out today." "Today I put all of my laundry away and it really did make the place cleaner." "How have I not been exercising my whole life? I feel great!" "I'm going to pay these past due bills!" There's nothing wrong with everyday-epiphanies. Nothing at all. They are the tiny victories that lead you to the big actual-epiphany. Usually that big one is HOW you are ACTUALLY wasting your time (caps-lock = important). The big one, though, has been on your mind for a while. It's just scary.

I am afraid of the big things. I've done a whole lot of living for one man, or three for that matter. Disappointments never stop disappointing. Easy, right? The bad stuff never stops feeling bad. Good thing that the good stuff never stops feeling good. A flat tire will almost always be an inconvenience. But a raise or a first kiss will almost always make you happy.

I am happy, albeit slowed down these days. It's an easy fix in practice. The slow part, not the happy part. Being happy is pretty easy too, though. You just have to do things that make you happy. Pretty easy. Like running? Take a jog. Like a clean house? Clean. Examples done. It's easy to understand and do.

I've been using this phrase to end my classes lately: Have the best day you've ever had. I like the sound of that. Sometimes I add: Be yourself and make the world a better place. Also sounds good. I don't think I've ever got better advice than that. One of my old teachers said it all the time. I think he was paraphrasing Gandhi (be the change you want to see in the world), but I liked how he said it. Trying to be someone else is stressful, also impossible. Whatever you do, you'll still be yourself. I want to be Justin Timberlake. I dance well, I can sing-ish, I act and I copy his style as best I can in the ways I can. Still not him. You can only be yourself, which is pretty great, I think! If you can only be yourself, than no one can take that away from you either. I like that.

Who I Am 1

Today is a little tangent. I needed to write something and this is what came out. Here we go.

I believe it was the great Popeye who said, "I am what I am and that's all that I am."

The more experienced I get, the more I find out who I am. As it should be. The rough patch is accepting what I'm not. I'm having a hard time with this, the whole "limitations" thing.

I've always wanted to be the best. Period. That's it. Since I was a little kid, I was afraid of being the worst, so I dreamed of being the best at every last thing. And, fair enough, what child doesn't want to be a geneticist-poet-millionaire-playboy-insert-other-cookie-things-here? The rough patch has only reared it's very figuratively-real head within the last two years. Two years ago, I looked in the mirror and thought that I was the single worst thing on the planet (I'm better now, don't worry).

I've been doing some personal work, lemme tell you, and part of that is finding what I'm good at. I'm a part of so many projects (holy crap there's a metric fuck-ton), not to mention the personal maintenance and training I'm going/have had to go through over the past deuce. The whole time, I was trying to find what it was that I truly loved and wanted to dedicate my years too. What I was best and worst at, I needed to know.

SO, the short of it was easy: I wanna be a dancer and writer, over everything else, with inspirational so-and-so thrown in for good measure. 

The thing that makes my life complete (aside from food, friends and good ol' fashioned fun), is the arts. They are the most inspirational thing on the planet, they influence our societies (I'm counting hip hop, of course, and yes, Jersey Shore...seriously), and they make us think. The funny thing is, most people tear down other artists for being different. He's to abstract, to excited, to dark, to modern, to...you get it. And for some time, I was so angry when I heard this. That was until a friend set me right, or at least, opened my eyes and ears. He said (paraphrasing): I love where your heart is at. 

Something about that, the lack of judgement and the abundance of simplicity, something stuck with me. I look out now and I have mostly stopped seeing a group of negative asses. What I see now is a group that lacks the inspiration/confidence to believe in themselves, and so they tear others down. I'm not mad at fear. How could I be? Fear keeps us alive, keeps us from fighting howler monkeys, from eating the molded cheese brick that has been sitting in my fridge for two weeks. How could I be mad at self preservation?

Instead, I've been working to remember his words, and my favorite quote: "I will not reason and compare, my business is to create..." - William Blake. 

The short of it? Who gives a shit about the guy that hates you? What did you think about what you love to do? Was it the best you could give or is tomorrow going to feel better than today? Hippy? Yes! But, it's also something that I've had to teach myself, over and over, until it finally sank in. 

I allowed someone else to tell me what I was good at and what I should be doing. Then I listened to the people who would raise me up as I do for them (hint: these are the people that matter). My life changed and I became powerful. I gained purpose and a confidence that (though I may have bad days) no one can take away from me. 

I am an artist. I'm a writer, a dancer and I will inspire those around me to find their true strength and reach their goals.

If I'm going to the top, you're all coming with me.

Andrew