Depression

Tonight, on a very special Idea Man...

I started writing this blog to keep myself honest and to take stock of what and who I am. It's helped me realize that I've been dealing with some serious depression for a while now. How long is irrelevant, but it's gone on long enough that I have been unable to see my own value. Lemme put it another way: depression = being unable to live in the now but you still feel the pain of hating yourself while denying there is a problem, so you lie to yourself and attempt 100,000 things to prove your personal worth, but ready yourself for failure because you know that when you take on said throng of projects you get spread too far thin and melt inside and out.

The short, non-run-on sentence, of it is that I am taking the time to admit to myself that there is a serious problem with me that I'm dealing with.

I'll be the first to admit that I've been one to call bullshit to the whole "depression thing," instead saying arrogant ass-hat things such as: "Just change what you're doing." "Be happy!" and various other insensitive things. The easy of it is that I was afraid to admit how I felt, blah blah blah ya know.

BREAK FOR 2 MONTHS

It's been almost 2 months since I tried to write this post. The truth is obvious, of course, that I got depressed while writing about my depression and was afraid to finish the post.

The above stuff is true, but here's the 100%: I'm terrified most of the time of failing, among other things, and usually think that nothing will change because things have been so back and forth in extremes. I usually feel like a failure, and it is like they describe on anti-depressant commercials. I do feel like I'm sinking into a blackness not unlike a crushing abyss a great deal of the time, WHEN I get into that mood. I'm not a depressed person in general, but there are some things that have played Mary-hob with who I am.

A few years back, I got a divorce and my shrink told me that I would eventually feel the full weight of the pain, anger and so on that I'd endured, but I would most probably never see it coming. He made it very clear that I would become very depressed when I finally lowered my guard and took stock of that time. I did and here we are.

I've lost out on opportunities, both professional and personal, and have most probably hurt my careers more than I know. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of several times, each time taking the position of the victim until I ended up burning bridges that could have been salvaged, had I stood my ground and asserted myself to begin with. I'm not writing to speak of (a project here and there barely counts even if they are fun/enriching), and I don't train near enough. This is an issue.

I've gotten most of it under control in the past month, but I can still feel it behind most things I do, this feeling. Lack of sun meant taking a D vitamin and getting a sun lamp (a must if you live in the PNW). Lack of energy is fixed through exercise (dance, crossfit and stretching). And clarity can usually be fixed with proper diet and me time (which I rarely do well). Those are the answers, but I'm still having trouble balancing, and I frequently find myself back in the hole, as it were.

I am very embarrassed to write all of this. I'm not an unhappy person, just to be clear. My depression manifests typically as a lethargic lump like version of myself, where I am quite honestly afraid to go outside, and I think that my closest friends find me irritating and hate me. My most typical symptom is confusion and fatigue, usually making it extremely difficult to come up with the words that I really want to say. I don't get much sleep these days because I'm constantly in my head. I prefer to live in the here and now, but for the past four months that's been very difficult. I can't stop looking back while being afraid of the future.

I'm writing this because it's time that I move forward. I'm very scared that I'll fail at most things, but I'm also very scared that I will become (and in some cases remain) everything that I hate.

The best that I can say is that I am terrified, but trying my hardest to grow. That's all that I can ask of myself right now, just to grow and continue to learn. I am a happy, positive person, and I'm pretty darn excited to just improve.

If you read this post: Thank you. I appreciate your time.