Pride - This Isn't Even My Final Form!

I saw a version of myself sitting across from me this morning. I didn't pay him any attention. I was reading, after-all, and enjoying a favorite breakfast and book. I couldn't ask me to leave either, as I was me and I am very attached to myself whether or not I want a particular me staring back at me.

I wasn't saying anything or prodding in any fashion, I was just watching me read, eat and sip. I wasn't being rude, quite the opposite, I was the perfect gentleman. I was making myself uneasy, though. It's not my fault, it's just unnerving when you have some-one staring at you, especially when it's you.

I didn't know what version of me it was at first. I thought it might be past me. Past Me is a good enough guy, a little afraid of a few things and very self-conscious. A pushover in certain things and rarely proud but always supportive. It couldn't have been him, because he would have tried to fix me.

I went through the other me(s) it could be and I could take the time to spell out how I was at various points in life or will be, but it's easier to say that it was current me. It was the me that woke up today and realized how many things I have done in my life, great and small, positive and negative but mostly positive. The me looking at me was proud of me.

Everyone has mild out of body experiences every now and again. It's hard to explain unless you've felt it, but I like to think of it as those times when you can see yourself in third person. I experience that frequently and I spend a large amount of time hovering above myself, taking note on my "this and that."

It felt good to be able take in that I was proud of myself.

Pride is typically a foreign concept to me when it is about me. By no means am I against myself or the things that I have done. I have fears and insecurities, sure, but I am still proud of the things I have done, the life I've lived. By the time I was 20, I had done more than most do in their entire lives. I have pride in that. But pride in simply myself is a recent development. I only became aware of this feeling this morning, Monday, June 1st, 2015 at roughly 10am.

Disclaimer: This isn't to say that I am not proud of what I have done. It's just new to live in the here and now and be proud of myself in the moment.

I find it both appropriate and emboldening that I would notice this on my father's birthday (Happy Birthday, Pop!). An added bonus.

I always found pride to be a positive. I'm talking about pride, not arrogance. There's a difference between the two that is a frequently blurred and often negotiated line. I'm talking about the ability to recognize that you are good at something on your own, and that your skill or achievement makes you happy or fulfilled or in some other way: powerful. It's not arrogance, where you feel power through thinking you're better than someone else.

Pride is confidence, arrogance is fear. But that's another soap-box.

My pride is usually found in my loved ones and mentors. I typically live vicariously through them to feel strong. That's dependence. Dependence can be positive, and can be associated with pride, but pride in one's self is obviously from the self, not another. Duh.

In nerd-culture, there is something called a "boss" and therein a "boss-battle." Still with me? In said
boss-battle, it's really common for said boss to go through several forms or modes during your tussling with them. The first is usually small, something manageable and humanoid. The second is typically a grandiose, often monstrous version of the previous. The third, if and when there is a third, is smaller form, though this form is even stronger than the monster that it previously appeared as. The third form, or "final form," is the strongest version of this boss. This form is trimmed down, streamlined, removed of the ornamental trappings that made it previously intimidating. It's new form is greater than it's previous version due to the focus and condensing of it's power. It doesn't need the wings and demon horns and massive god-killing cannon that it once possessed. It can pierce heaven with it's pinky if it wanted, so what use does it have for the Sword of Damocles as it's left leg?

I use this as an allegory for self. As you become stronger, more focused, you shed the pomp that you previously held on to. You no longer need to have six jobs or hold on to that thing you did once in high-school or hold a mental list of the people you've banged. The world becomes simpler as you simplify and you become greater because of that. Focus can allow you to become a master, to achieve a greater form than you woke up with that morning.

Argument: Yes, I know that not every boss battle follows that same progression. Sometimes it is the giant monster that is the final form. In that case, it is usually a team of heroes or one hero that is refined in a particular skill set to best benefit the team/situation who defeats this monster. It's usually thanks to skills obtained through focus and hard work and specialization (the healer, the warrior, the mage etc). Sometimes the hero becomes a monster to defeat a monster. That is focus as well. We learn from our challenges, taking on aspects of them and become greater than the things that challenge us. We are still ourselves, but we have gained strength through our focus to learn and overcome these trials.

"I fear not the man who has practice 10,000 kicks once. But I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times." - Bruce Lee

An open mind and enthusiasm will cause you to try everything. It will lead you to the things you truly love and will show you the path that best suits you. Confidence will allow you to try, succeed and fail and grow, which will build you stronger, time and again. It will allow you to find what it is that you are brilliant at or what makes you feel strong and good. From there, focus will refine you. It will help you become greater than you were. There is no sense in limiting yourself in the things you try, but there is less sense in never exploring the depths of your potential in the things that you experience passion.

When you get down to it, everyone has the potential to become brilliant. It is a matter of discovering what it is that you're good at and/or what it is that brings you joy. When you've found these, sink your time and effort into those things. It doesn't matter if it's an activity, a thing, a person, a philosophy, a religion, a version of  yourself and so on. If it brings you joy and allows you to feel pride, then it's worth your time. Take that time. You owe it to yourself and to those who are lucky enough to know you.