Thursday, June 11, 2015

Dancing Kryptonite

My head feels like it's going to explode. I have all this energy and for some reason it's decided to wad itself into what infinitesimal space might be between my skull and brain. (Insert frustrated, grunting yell here)

But I don't want to write about that for two reasons: It's whining and it's boring.

I don't really want to write about any one thing right now. I just like to write and it helps my brain calm down when I have an excess of anxiety going on. Again, don't want to write about that, so moving on.

Instead, I want to write about a shortcoming I have that actually makes me happy. I'm strangely self-conscious in front of a camera when I dance. Not anything else. When it's any other skill I'm comfortable. Dancing just so happens to be the most personal form of expression that I do. There's no hiding. Acting might be me, but it's another version (a whole thing on that some other time). Singing is probably the same as dancing, but I've never allowed anyone to tape me doing so via threat of castration and/or hysterectomy.

That being said, my brilliant friend, Kindell McIntosh, had a few of us get together on a beautiful day and dance for the camera. This was for a school project. We didn't once dance to the song that is behind our moves in the video. Kindell set everything to it thanks to some creative editing.


I love this video for two reasons: My friends are really talented and I'm rather embarrassed watching myself. Let me be clear: I don't hate what I am doing in this video. I just know that I am more talented than how I danced. The reason for my less than average performance is the camera.

Everyone has their kryptonite. The camera weakens me when I dance through no fault of the device. I grew up being told I wasn't good enough in the arts, but so did a lot of people. In every other facet I've placed my willpower, I've taken that ridicule and rendered it fuel. Call it creative alchemy bolstered by an inherent "Fuck You!" that every artists harbors for their negative piers/teachers/reviewers/public. I wonder why the camera makes me so self-conscious. There's no reason it should be any different than someone watching.

You could make the argument that it forces the forever effect, the concept that by recording something it becomes immortal, thus making any possibly humiliation unending. But I don't give a shit what people think about me beyond a passing annoyance. It's something I'm proud of. I get effected by barbs, good old chastising like anyone else, it just doesn't last long. Additionally, I'm lucky to have a support system that keeps me strong when I feel weak.

That's probably it, the forever of it, and the only person's opinion I'm concerned with is my own. So it doesn't make any sense for me to be swayed to the negative when a camera is present, does it?

Here's the easy of it: I don't care how I used to be beyond learning from what I did. Everything I've done has made me who I am. I happen to like who I am these days. Watching old clips of myself doing anything doesn't harm me, it informs me. It's a nice reference point and that's about it.

Writing this, I can see the flaw in my fear of being recorded. There's no need to fear a damn thing if mine is the only opinion I'm worried about. So I suppose I did have a point in writing this.

It's valuable to look at yourself, regardless of what you do. You need a reference point for when you surpass your previous skill level or state of being.

I don't really have anything else on the subject at the moment. I'll put some money in the meter, lay down and read Wise Man's Fear and drift off to much deserved sleep. I'm learning to relax (a whole thing on that later)

Sweet dreams.


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