Failure can be Fun, Healthy and Hilarious!

I had a real bitch of a time trying to come up with something to write. I blanked that it's much easier to let life happen and then write about it. Life isn't really a vice versa situation. Then I made breakfast and watched cartoons and got something.

Failure is fun. Let me rephrase: Failure in the pursuit of growth is fun, if you let it be.

DISCLAIMER: This pertains to the psychological aspect of failing, not the possible harmful physical shit.

Easy stuff: I made my first attempt in making eggs benedict this morning. It was not pretty. It was delicious
(gochujang is a miracle spice
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gochujang), but it looked horrid, as though it had owed me money and I'd beaten it to death with a hammer. Eggs Benny swims with the fishes (that joke is stupid and I debated not writing it but I still did. Why did I do that?).

Side note: It hadn't occurred to me to take a picture of the fail. I'll do it next time as I did promise to share via pictures the triumphs and screw-ups I go through. Meh.

I laughed my ass off at how it looked. Then I thought about how I feel in training when I screw up. When I lift too much, or how I look when I've hit that exhaustion wall in cardio. It's priceless.

Side: again...pictures.

The same goes for when I write! The expressions, the curse words and so on are gold.

Laughing at these things pumps positive energy back into my body when I'm dead exhausted. It clears my mind when things get hazy. Laughter can take the poison from a failure and leave the positive.

Medium stuff: I once got on stage and had to do a bottle dance. It was Fiddler on the Roof. In this, you balance a bottle on your head while... Know what, there will be a video provided. Anyway, people didn't believe what we were doing was real, that we had cemented the bottles in place somehow. Wrong, fuckers! I proved that it was real by dragging my knee through broken glass that had been left by cast from another scene. Cut my knee open a tad, dropped my bottle, and forever proved to the audience for the rest of the run that it was real. Worth it. People talked about it a ton and yes, there was a bit of "...that guy fucked up," but there was more "Holy crap, they're really doing it!"

I've always been afraid of failing, so I didn't try my hardest in many things, hence my shotgun blast of a life-resume. I was never told, nor did I think about adding humor into failure. I usually went with humility, but only after I was 25. For those first 25 years, I just got mad. I feel like most people do the same. You fuck up and then dwell and root it in your memory as nothing more than that time you were less than you could have been.

I know that I felt a loss of control when I failed in the past.

Laughing at myself, specifically the situation or expression and so on, makes the circumstance mine again. It returns control to you in a positive way. It trivializes the failure you're experiencing and turns it into experience. It takes failure from something that happened to you and turns it into something that belongs to you.

Own your failures! You made them, they belong to you, so do with them what you will. Be stronger than the insignificant moment that just occurred and you will be stronger than you were before you screwed up.

DISCLAIMER: Again, this is pertaining to the psych side of failure. AVOID PHYSICAL DAMAGE IF YOU CAN.

Big stuff: I've been taken advantage of many times by a great deal of people. I don't want to go into detail now, because that's not relevant. The point: I can blame them, and be sort of right, but that wouldn't serve me. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. It is my choice to let people use me, be that for good or negative intent. It is my choice and only my choice to accept the direction of others. I can look back on that now and say that it was my fault. I failed to stand up for myself and I can walk away stronger knowing that I can change future outcomes in regards to how I allow people to influence me.

I've only had this in my head for a few days. It's helping my work ethic and output and attitude.

At this point I would only be reiterating the things I've said. So let's call it good.

You're amazing. You. Yes, You! Go do something you're good at or that you suck at, either way you'll be better for it. You'll learn and grow and gain powerful memories one way or the other. If you happen to try and fail, then own it. Be proud of the trying and laugh if you're so inclined. Do with the failure what you will. You own it. It's yours.

Train and Treat it like a Job. Also Pictures.

Swoll. Yolked. Fit. Fwine. Hench. Muscled. Strongf. In-shape. Healthy. Boosh. Damn, son. Stronger. Better. Faster. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Warmer. Thunder and lightning, don't get caught in the storm.

Training is fun. It's hard work that leads to something tangible. It takes time and teaches you patience. Training is also something that used to scare me due to ego and the lack of confidence in myself.

Experiment, as I now have the confidence to embrace the work and not the ending that never came fast enough. Experiment: Document my life more than I am comfortable in ways that share my vulnerability.

Side note: I googled documentary to find a good picture and most of what came up were photos of suffering children, exotic animals and various displays of war. There was also the one I found which I picked because I thought it would disturb you more if you knew me (hint: imagine me as the woman! You're welcome!)

I'd thought about doing this before in the more popular way: posting my records, before and after pictures and so on. I still might do that. However, I think it's more interesting (for me, at least) to post and discuss the emotional aspect of it. Over the next few months/year, I am putting myself through a few things that I've always wanted to do.

1. Physical training - Crossfit, yoga and a little break dancing. I once was an athlete. I'm in fairly good shape. I want to be an athlete again.

2. Learning a craft - Blacksmithing. I do a great many things, but I wouldn't say I have a physical craft. I used to draw but stopped because of self esteem issues and a dick of a room mate who would insult everyone we knew in incessant, passive aggressive ways. I've had a dork level obsession about blacksmiths for as long as I can remember. Thanks to the fine folks at Trackers PDX (http://trackerspdx.com/), I can now live out this fantasy. Woot.

3. Profession - Writer. Many people have said the same thing, but I like how Ze Frank puts it:
"If you want to do something, then you should be doing it. If you want to write, then you should be writing..."
So I will. I have never treated my passions as jobs on purpose. I've always just fallen into them. I've experienced a moderate level of success this way, but I often wonder how things would be if I had poured myself into it and dedicated time in the way that you do a day job. Now, through the magic of actually doing stuff (trademark), we shall see how it goes.

Rules about the sharing:

1. No lying! - I can't lie anyhow, so this isn't a problem. But to be more specific: If I think it (within a small margin of reason) I have to share it.

Example: Yesterday's workout nearly made me throw up. It was only the second time I've come that close due to exercise. The other was sled push day. It made me feel weak for about thirty minutes to the point that I recalled being bullied on the playground as kid. I could now kick their ass. High road.

2. Pictures or it Didn't Happen - Pretty self explanatory. A picture is worth exactly 1000 words. So it saves me about thirty minutes of work. Also they're prettier.

Example: To the right and left. Right - Me pulling a sled that weighs 310lbs American. Left - The workout we did yesterday. Skin the cats is a gymnastic move. GHD is a fancy position that translates to "Hold this bar like this while you dangle out over nothing and push the bar like that, bitch!" ETOM means every minute on the minute. It was hard.

3. No fear...which I guess is essentially no lying. But with the added mark of trying new things. I'll be afraid, but will have to push forward.


No more rules. They're all very similar anyhow.

Side note: I'm drinking a protein shake with chia inside. I imagine the texture is similar to giving a happy ending to Jabba the Hut.

And now a moment to talk about being a creative professional.

Treat it like a job, they say. They're right.

Think about the amount of time the average person spends on their day job (average 9 hours including a lunch break). Imagine spending that time five days a week on what you want to do creatively. You'd be a professional in months, not years. Months.

This is harder if what you're doing is physically demanding, but don't forget the study side of things. Those 8 hours (losing an hour due to no lunch. Take a lunch. It saves life.), should include learning the finer points of your passion. Learn the history. Learn the sister activities of your passion. Learn how it equates to the real world and really think about how it makes you feel and what you're getting out of it.

Treat it like a job. Simple. Time consuming. Just like everything else that matters.

Treat it like a job.

If you made it this far, here is a picture of me celebrating America:

Value You Being Whatever it is You Might Be

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this out of frustration.

I spent a large chunk of my today uttering variations on the phrase: I'm going to be productive today. I also made sure to include a variable time-frame each time.

Whenever I give myself these mandates, I find that I am less than / equal-to not productive. I put pressure, no matter how small or grand, on myself and that pressure causes me stress. The stress leads to fear in much the way that fear leads to anger leads to hate leads to suffering (possible misquote of Yoda). The point being that I cause myself grief for not doing anything and then I don't do something because of my attempt to force myself to do anything.

Even as I write this I'm wishing I weren't. Which makes no sense to me. I love writing. I love the sound of the keys especially, but I love the feeling I get when I write. I become clear, more focused and composed. That leads me to a few somethings, but one thing in particular: professionalism. What makes someone professional is that they stopped deciding to do something and they instead did it.

And below is an example of that as it equates to being a creative professional, care of someone I very much look up to: Ze Frank. http://www.zefrank.com/

I deal with depression. It's not clinical, in the strictest sense, it's more learned. Learned depression. I was, like most people, bullied when I was younger. My being bullied didn't stop until about two years ago when I stopped listening to what most everyone else was saying.

That being said, I still carry scars from emotional trauma (like everyone). I still shut down when I think about certain things from my past, even if it's just me thinking about them and there was no outside inspiration for the fact.

Example:
I still don't like couples very much because I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and filed for divorce a few years ago. Seeing couples fight (and sometimes be overtly affectionate) pushes me back into a place of weakness.
Confession:
I don't hate too many people, and I don't hate her. I do, however, regret getting married so young (22).
Example:
Whenever an ambulance passes, I am taken back to when my father had his second heart attack.
Counter:
I force myself to think of "Have You Seen Her?" by the Chi Lights. My father introduced me to soul music and that song was playing in my headphones when I went to sleep that night.
A Personal Favorite Example:
Whenever I think about or see anything related to a summer camp, I am taken back to when I was unjustly fired from working at Camp Collins. I've mentioned this several times. It is one of my greatest shames. I think about this almost every day and it has tainted nearly every memory I have of my childhood concerning that place.
Positive:
I will never allow myself to treat another person the way that I was treated there. I will never allow myself to treat another person the way that I was treated there. I will never allow myself to treat another person the way that I was treated there.

And so on...

But this isn't about depression. Or maybe it is. I think it's about pressure, the self imposed kind we do when we think we're not good enough. That's what this is about. People who call themselves something are powerful because they think they're good enough to be that thing. Or maybe it doesn't even occur to them, their value that is. My value is always in question, but only by me. Which is stupid, yes, I know. It is. It's stupid.

What value...rephrase: There is great value in constantly evaluating yourself. It makes you take stock of who you are and find where you are in need of repair/strengthening. It helps you...You get where I'm going with this.

Here's what I do and what a disparagingly large number of people (mainly Americans) do: I evaluate and don't stop evaluating until there's nothing left to evaluate and then I evaluate whatever I can find that might have to do with me or maybe doesn't. It's obsessing. It's...I'm going to switch gears.

I am a writer. I'd like to make money doing it. I'd like to have people buy my books, ask for my help and my work, and I'd like this to be my primary income. Writing fulfills me the way that my friends/loved ones fulfill me. I am this, a writer that is. I am also a dancer and an actor. I'm good enough at what I do that I can say that I am one/all of these things.

Value is not what is in question. Value can not be measured by ones self as value is subject to the markets opinion/magic that gnomes poop out when...Value is a fuzzy concept. You get? Value is not, in terms of monetary/qualitative worth, something that you can assign to yourself/your work. You can encourage others to think like you do, to value your work/self like you do, but you can not force a mind to believe the things you do. People make up their own minds about what something is worth, so there is absolutely no reason to spend all of your time/energy worrying about how good you are or if you're good enough to be a something.

If you are writing regularly, you are a writer. If you play soccer regularly, you are a soccer player. If you dance regularly, you are a dancer. Fix houses, carpenter. Draw, draw-er-er.

Here's the two of it: You say you are a thing and you do a thing? You are that thing. You make money doing that thing? You're a professional that thing.

You might not be very good, but that's not for you to decide. That's their job. Your job is to be. So be. Go be. Be the best you that you can be, cause there's no other one like you. There's just you. Be you, whatever that is to you. Whatever you are is probably very beautiful. But that's me assigning theoretic value to you.

Snooze.