Livestream

I really liked how this stream turned out, so here it is. 

That's pretty much all. Oh! Here's some more stuff I wrote a few days later. 

In asking what people want to talk about, among other things, people have mentioned many acceptance, confidence and fear based topics. Those will be covered, rest assured, but I think what would be good is throwing a different kind of event/convention.

No competitions. Jams. No points. Instead focusing on us as people, as artists and athletes having fun. A convention of empowering each of us. Music, food, movement and expression.

I have no money, no venue, no date. I just have an idea I believe in. Maybe it will work. I'll sure try to make it work.

Input is welcome.

Have the best day you've ever had!

Cool. That's about it for now.

Repeating myself: Have the best day you've ever had.

Andrew

Make Time, Give a Fuck and Deal with Shit

Willpower is a currency that you have only so much of daily. Popular phrase is "fucks," as in: "Leroy had zero fucks to give that day."

Let's say you start your day with 100 standard-galactic fucks (warning, there is math, though basic, and that is NOT the man you married). In your mind, let fucks be represented by a shiny platinum coin (the shape is up to you). Everything you do that costs energy/effort costs fucks.

You wake up fully rested, 100 fucks in pocket. You make breakfast (in theory), shower (unless you're disgusting), brush your teeth etc. Your morning routine and all that, if you have one. For most people this is a minimal effort. Let's call it 5 fucks. You now have 95.

Most of us have a 9 to 5er (I don't), so we bolt off there. I'ma skip the majority of your theoretic day because what you do with your time is your damned business. But you do look good in that black shirt and beanie, Mr. Marsh. Mmmmm. Yes.

A workday takes a lot out of you. I say that because it's true. Even if you... scratch that. ESPECIALLY if you are so lucky as to have a job in your passion or one that fulfills you. But let's go off of the assumption that your 9-5 is just there to pay the bills and so forth. It's a huge chunk of your day, your effort, and as the average person is awake but 16 hours a day, it costs a large bit-o-fucks just to work. It's a fourth of your day, never mind if you don't sleep too well or miss breakfast, so we're calling it at least 40-50 fucks depending on how you feel about it. It costs more the more effort you put in AND the more tedium you feel. So we're down to roughly 45 fucks, possibly less. Not so bad.

Again, if you are not rocking a salt-mill bread and butter kinda job, this does not apply to you. It may cost you less, but generally will cost you much more as you will no doubt spend more energy because you... well, give a fuck about it. To be clear, I'm not writing this about you though. You're awesome. Good job landing your dream gig. Everyone else is awesome too, but in a more nose to the grindstone  because you have to kind of way. Moving on.

45 fucks. It's not a ton, but there's still enough to do something. Hit the pub, relax at home, do your sport, create something, try to have sex, learn something, it's all good, and some of these things invigorate folks. Let's take into account that the average you and me does a thing. Things cost fucks. Pick your favorite, it's going to cost you at least 20 fucks. (generalizations are fun)

You now have 25. What does that mean? You have 25 out of 100. 25% of your starting willpower/energy/effort worth expending. Lots of people, especially me, forget that there are consequences when you start getting to the end of your willpower. By 25, you're already pretty exhausted. You rocked a job and a hobby all the live long day. Most people call it a night and head home with their loved ones or do the solo thing. Either way, even that costs willpower. If you have a calm situation, it's a teeny cost of let's say: 5 fucks. But if you are like so many and have a family or at least a significant other, you've gotta be at least a little ON for them. It's at least 10 fucks. AT LEAST.

So now we're down to 20 or 15 fucks. Here's when things get incredible, people watching wise. Appropriately, the lower your willpower, the less willing to deal with shit you are. Shit and fucks do not mix. Shit is not the things you've elected to do. It's fighting, it's bills, it's cleaning when you don't want to, it's simply the things you don't want to experience. Shit drains you. Shit is where we all get into trouble. We overextend our willpower and get into the red, the negative.

(cue 1950's slides, announcer voice and woodwind heavy music) When you spend more than your allotted willpower, you experience such things as depression, misplaced anger, fatigue, restless sleep, joint pain, headache and or muscle aches, confusion, decreased cognitive function and so on.

This is burn-out. Welcome to where most everyone you know lives. The average person vastly over-extends themselves into burnout. At that point, you play catch up.

If you're only getting 100 fucks a day, but you've put yourself into the red, let's say -15 fucks, you start the next day with only 85 fucks. Doesn't seem too bad, right? Then another day, and another and so on happens. Eventually you're so far in the hole that the serious versions of the afore mentioned problems happen. Sickness, clinical depression, violent outbursts, profound sadness and so on.

SHITTY THING (also a huge generalization): The average person starts with 100 fucks, but can drop almost twice that much before they lose their mind or die. You can exist in this hole for the remainder of your life and never realize where you're at. Also, you CAN raise your fucks to 150 in theory, but it usually takes having the perfect life you've always wanted, and even then, most folks only have so much excess energy every once-in-a-while. Having a daily 150 is rare.

You CAN do things to try and recover the fucks you spend in your every day. Grab a pint, that's like... 5 fucks (that's A pint, maybe TWO, not a bender. Benders cost fucks. Lots of fucks). Go to the spa! It'll give you like 20 fucks! Laugh, cry, experience emotion. It's healing! Cathartic! Releasing emotions, negative or positive, is a very good thing and will give you a variable but valuable raise in fucks.

Most importantly, learn to manage your time. Doing too much? Always in the red? Stop doing something! Knock one thing off and see how you feel. I guarantee you'll breathe a tad easier. We are still simple creatures, we humans. On the real, we should have a job and a close nit friend group on the average and a hobby just based on our attention span. It's a solid trio. Work pays the bills (food and shelter), hobbies fulfill your creative/destructive needs (control), and friends provide pretty much everything else (the tribe).

Most folks (me too more than I want to admit), think that there is something missing from their life, a cog or spring that would help their life run smoother or more efficient. Sometimes this is true. Maybe you do need a new job or a hobby that drives you or a wife/husband/paramour/buddy/animal to fill the void. Maybe that's true. More than likely, you are tired, depressed, unfulfilled because you don't appreciate what you have.

In general, it is easier to destroy than it is to create. I think it's funny that it's so hard for most people to drop activities/jobs/relationships with that in mind. But that's a whole different post/two hour long uplifting seminar and/or weekend conference. That's assigning worth and meaning and attachment and that's for later.

It's hard sometimes. No judgement. I load myself down with tasks, jobs and blah blah blah and come out the other side depressed. It feels like I spend 200 fucks a day sometimes. When you really get down to it, most of us will die after around 80 years. It sucks. It terrifies me. So there is no real reason to keep latched to something that would make harder that precious little life you've got. I need to remind myself sometimes that there are always other jobs, other hobbies, other friends and other loves.

Make time for yourself and you'll find that dealing with shit isn't so difficult, that you have more fucks to give and, jokes aside, you'll find that you are happier. That's the dream, really, isn't it? To be happy? To enjoy what time you've been given? Focus on that, the things that make you happy. Spend more time, more fucks, on those things.

A Mouth Full of Mind

It's important, this thing called: honesty. And it's a funny sombitch. I say so because we, as a people (people being Americans in this case first, humans second) are pretty darn outspoken when it comes to what we think on surface matters (mostly crap we want to buy). We become tongue tied (some of us) when we attempt to speak our true thoughts, impulses and that sort of thing about the things that truly matter. I don't mean the drunken splat that erupts when our inhibitions are removed due to good old social-lube (booze, you sick/awesome bastard). Side: it should be noted that I have had a few. Moving on. I mean the thoughts that we marinate on daily, sometimes hourly. The thoughts that we are sometimes afraid of just having, let alone letting out of our respective word-holes. Mostly the positive. While we may be honest, we are scared to say what we really think.

Also, this isn't a how to. It's just what was on my mind.

I don't lie. It's not my thing. It has nothing to do with morals, either, it's more coming from a general hatred of wasting time and abiding that which is useless. I used to lie like a champ and all that it got me was a mess of people who treated me, themselves and our respective passions like garbage. It made getting to know people useless... Really, that's it: It makes the time you spend useless. My next phase was omission. I may not have been lying, but I wasn't letting anything true about my convictions out. Where's the fun in that? Where's the fear, the danger, the joy and the learning? How the fuck do you expect to learn, grow, change, enact chaos and order without being truly honest with others?

(Babbling paragraph) Others, of course, come later. First is honesty with yourself, but I find that most people are very smart and very much know what they are about, so we can skip that. Honesty with others is another bastard that comes from confidence. It can also be a great path to confidence. It's really easy, actually, to be confident. It is! More on that later. Now it's all about honesty with others, which leads to said confidence. Ahem...

We are unconfident for many reasons, but personally I find that I am most unconfident when I have my "idiot days." These are those days when you feel inferior in some way. Stupid, fat, a failure, and so on. No matter your intelligence, weight, successes and so on, most people have those days where we feel less than we are. I don't know why these days happen, and for todays purposes: I don't care. Your people, your inner circle, family etc can bring you out of this funk in many ways. The longest lasting, in my experience, is from the best source: their strength, their success, their brilliance.

The average person has at least one friend. It can be safely assumed that this one friend brings something very positive to that persons life. I'm talking about said friends merits. In some way, this person/these people is/are superior to you. Deal with it. I've got friends who can do a style of dance better than me, can sing better, can cook better and so on. We all do. When you look at them and you recognize this, accept and embrace this, it empowers you. You surround yourself with the best! It says volumes of you, the company you keep. The path to embracing your own brilliance can be nurtured through the embracing and celebrating of your people.

The next bit, my favorite bit, is saying the things on your mind. To make a long post short: It's so easy to say what's on your mind if you start with your people. Compliment them, praise the ever loving hell out of them. From there, you can hold your head high and do the same about yourself. Of course, you can also do this in the opposite way, it's just how I handle things.

This was fun to write. In part because I'd been drinking and watching West Wing and Angel. I feel like my next post will be less babbling. Meh. Still fun.

Day 18 - Idea Man vs Impatience (not an interesting post, I promise)

It gets rough for me sometimes, like anyone else, when I take a second to take stock of what I have and where I want to go. See, I'm at that annoying part where I have to start over on many things. But that's not really the problem, or at least, the tick that's irritating me. I can handle starting over, I've done it a bunch. What gets me and puts me in this, a foul mood to anyone, is not feeling like I've gained my just reward for my efforts. It's the whiney artist/business phase that everyone goes through at some point or another. The looking back at what you've done and wishing it had pushed you to a better where you are now. I am grateful for what I have, but I'm just as annoyed that I'm not quite there yet.

I apologize to those around me who have had to deal with this attitude. I do my best to stay upbeat. Today was just annoying, and so was I. I hit that level where you get so unsure of your own opinions that you question your friends opinions about your opinions. "What did you mean by that?" etc. Paranoia can suck it. I don't want it as a BFF.

My greatest gift, my best skill and my favorite thing about myself is my brain. I have a terrific brain, full of ideas, ever-churning out new ones. I am not the most organized, nor am I rich, so putting this dreams into reality is usually a real bitch or just hasn't happened yet. I'm usually met with nay-saying or bad company or dumb luck or anything whatever so-forth that monkey wrenches the works but good, and usually I can just get mad, push forward and get over it. Today's just a dwelling day. It will pass.

But how do you capitalize on a skill like "I have a million and one good ideas?" Hence: writing. But as a fledgling writer, producer, man about town so-and-so, I've yet to hit a stride or any big therein. How do you make your living off of being creative? How do you sell your ideas? I'm actually asking. I don't paint anymore, nor do I draw or do photoshop these days, so I'm heading back to school. I have more examples, but I know it just boils down to being impatient. I'm so impatient, so tired of waiting for success while still working my ass off. But you must push forward. It's either that or die, and nope, no thank you.

I need to create, I need to build, foster, teach and grow myself. I'm working on it.

I want to be Joss Whedon. Well, sorta. I love me some Joss (Firefly, Buffy, Angel, Dollhouse, Avengers etc). The Whedon has a formula he loves and follows. Gruff anti-hero with a heart of gold, supernatural twist on everyday life, big evil corporation, kill off someone you love. He plays with the formula a little, but that's the gist, and it has made him a fuckin' nerdcon (nerd-icon...nerd...con...nerdcon.). He has stayed true to the creative nut that he is, and has come out pretty well so far. Or Steven King! Do I really even need to go into how many books, movies, series or money he has made? J.K. Rowling? Even the Twilight lady! I may not like the franchise, but she had a good, mostly unique idea on a classic money maker, and has done just that, made dem greens!

I know I need to just push forward. I know I need blah fuck cock blah whatever.

Writing this, I find that there is a single cloud that I'm starting to notice in my routine. Two, actually. One's easy and who cares, but the other is a slight mystery and I mean to find it. I've got a list of to-try stuff for this week in an attempt to weed out whatever it is that makes fog of my gray-matter. Shouldn't be hard. I'm betting its my living space. I just do too much here. It's my bed, my entertainment center, my office, my escape and more. Huh...I'll think on that.