Dancing Kryptonite

My head feels like it's going to explode. I have all this energy and for some reason it's decided to wad itself into what infinitesimal space might be between my skull and brain. (Insert frustrated, grunting yell here)

But I don't want to write about that for two reasons: It's whining and it's boring.

I don't really want to write about any one thing right now. I just like to write and it helps my brain calm down when I have an excess of anxiety going on. Again, don't want to write about that, so moving on.

Instead, I want to write about a shortcoming I have that actually makes me happy. I'm strangely self-conscious in front of a camera when I dance. Not anything else. When it's any other skill I'm comfortable. Dancing just so happens to be the most personal form of expression that I do. There's no hiding. Acting might be me, but it's another version (a whole thing on that some other time). Singing is probably the same as dancing, but I've never allowed anyone to tape me doing so via threat of castration and/or hysterectomy.

That being said, my brilliant friend, Kindell McIntosh, had a few of us get together on a beautiful day and dance for the camera. This was for a school project. We didn't once dance to the song that is behind our moves in the video. Kindell set everything to it thanks to some creative editing.

I love this video for two reasons: My friends are really talented and I'm rather embarrassed watching myself. Let me be clear: I don't hate what I am doing in this video. I just know that I am more talented than how I danced. The reason for my less than average performance is the camera.

Everyone has their kryptonite. The camera weakens me when I dance through no fault of the device. I grew up being told I wasn't good enough in the arts, but so did a lot of people. In every other facet I've placed my willpower, I've taken that ridicule and rendered it fuel. Call it creative alchemy bolstered by an inherent "Fuck You!" that every artists harbors for their negative piers/teachers/reviewers/public. I wonder why the camera makes me so self-conscious. There's no reason it should be any different than someone watching.

You could make the argument that it forces the forever effect, the concept that by recording something it becomes immortal, thus making any possibly humiliation unending. But I don't give a shit what people think about me beyond a passing annoyance. It's something I'm proud of. I get effected by barbs, good old chastising like anyone else, it just doesn't last long. Additionally, I'm lucky to have a support system that keeps me strong when I feel weak.

That's probably it, the forever of it, and the only person's opinion I'm concerned with is my own. So it doesn't make any sense for me to be swayed to the negative when a camera is present, does it?

Here's the easy of it: I don't care how I used to be beyond learning from what I did. Everything I've done has made me who I am. I happen to like who I am these days. Watching old clips of myself doing anything doesn't harm me, it informs me. It's a nice reference point and that's about it.

Writing this, I can see the flaw in my fear of being recorded. There's no need to fear a damn thing if mine is the only opinion I'm worried about. So I suppose I did have a point in writing this.

It's valuable to look at yourself, regardless of what you do. You need a reference point for when you surpass your previous skill level or state of being.

I don't really have anything else on the subject at the moment. I'll put some money in the meter, lay down and read Wise Man's Fear and drift off to much deserved sleep. I'm learning to relax (a whole thing on that later)

Sweet dreams.

Balance and the Understanding, Accepting Asshole

Sometimes I feel like an asshole. I wrote that line and made a face not unlike how you'd scrunch when an acrid scent invades your nose. This isn't meant to be negative, but sometimes I feel like an asshole. Sometimes people are assholes. I feel this is something we can all agree on.

Sometimes I get jealous when my friends would rather do things alone or simply without me. Usually I don't say anything but sometimes I choose a road most travelled by shit, ie. asshole. I act this way due to love and from the want to spend time with people who make my life better. My rational brain, whom I will be referring to as Carl, knows that their time is precious. Carl knows that their time and decisions are their own. Frank, my emotional/irrational side, only sees his friends being taken away from him, if only for a few hours or days. Frank sees rational decisions (the need for rest, spousal companionship, solitary activity) as bad decisions (I used the term "horse-shit" the first time I wrote that sentence).

On the other hand, when Carl sees someone choose the emotional route, he has a similar reaction. I often think that Carl is more judgmental than Frank, but it boils down to both being assholes.

The general state is that these reactions come from positive places, at least for me. I take a great deal of time and focus to study how I am whenever I have the wherewithal to do so. I typically find that I react the way I do out of concern.

Here's a thing I find interesting. Concern, in many cases and especially the one I'm referring to, equates to or leads to worry. Concern, while you could make the argument that it's positive because you're thinking of others or considering other scenarios, is usually not based in compassion. Concern vs compassion. They are different.

Concern contains judgment. Which is totally okay. Again, chances are that you're coming from a positive place. You give a damn about the person/thing/activity and so on that you're concerned about, but it's not compassion.

Compassion was once referred to by a friend of mine (Windom, you're so smart) as radical understanding and acceptance. Compassion, to me, is from the impartial. It doesn't have your interest in mind as the primary engine for decision. Your interests and those of someone else can always align, but it's not required to feel compassion for another person. My hippy side, Frank, likes to lump it in with love. Love is not a rational emotion. Love needs no reason. Love just exists and love accepts and understands, or at least wants to understand.

HOMEWORK: Watch the documentary Happy.

You can make the argument that both Frank and Carl are capable of compassion, but I find compassion to be an example of balance. As compassion is rooted in understanding and acceptance, there is no inherent emotional or rational judgment being made. You are accepting that something is the way that it is, and you are allowing yourself to understand that it is happening and it is most likely out of your control. And maybe that's why I think the way that I do. Anger, jealousy and so on, at least as much I experience them, are rooted in judgement based on a desire to control.

The universe strives for harmony, as far as I am concerned. I feel that things are quite balanced, though they may not seem like it all of the time. I also believe that the universe can be incredibly unbalanced for us as individuals at times (which still means it's balanced as a whole). It's not fair when a cavalcade of bad things happen to us. "When it rains it pours" and all that. It's also the same for when an abundance of good happens.

This bit talks about fairness in both the positive and negative sense. It's not fair to lose a loved one and your job in the same couple of months, but it's happened to many of us (me too). It's also not fair that you would find twenty bucks on the ground, overcome a great obstacle and get your dream job in the same week (not me, but several folks I know. Still haven't found a twenty in the dirt. It'll happen!).

I say these aren't fair because that twenty you just picked might have been some one's lunch cash. Your loved one who passed away might have contributed their organs to save another person's life, or maybe they dove in front of a kid about to be hit by a car and pushed them out of the way.
(disclaimer: I still say you take the money off the ground. There's a greater chance that someone else will pick it up who it didn't first belong to, or more likely that it will be whisked away and ripped up. Take the win)

Universal fairness would mean that everyone would experience the exact same level of good and bad at the exact same time. Balance is not fairness in the universal sense. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad. Sometimes you get everything good and another person gets all the bad. It's not fair, but it is balanced.

And there's the fickle nature of things. While something isn't fair for you, it might have lead to the best day ever for someone else. I'm not saying that you should make your life shit for someone else on the infinitesimal chance that it will better their existence. That's just silly. I'm saying that the universe is balanced in both the positive and negative. Through this concept you can begin to understand the people and occurrences around you. I'm not saying you'll like everything that happens in the world, but you can deal with it through compassion. I want to reiterate my stance on compassion (some words in bold face to show importance): You are accepting that something is the way that it is, and you are allowing yourself to understand that it is happening and is out of your control.

Aaaaaaand example time. You go to your favorite coffee shop, but on your way you're almost hit by someone because they're late for work, their rushing and they just didn't have enough fucks to give to drive safely. It happens. You get flustered, you get angry. You then order your coffee but the kid behind the counter doesn't hear you clearly. You're mumbling, still thinking about the dick that nearly hit you in his silverado. The barista asks for your order again and you snap at them. "I said that I wanted a double-venti-no-caff-half-pump-cock-mouth-double-bubble-single-syrup-hayley-joel-osmund-americano!" Little did you know that the barista had just been accepted into College University, his dream school! Asshole. You just ruined their mood because you bled your attitude, your problems on to them.

Another (me...sorry Jenny and Cambrie): You miss your friends when they're not around. I will now be speaking in first person. I miss my friends when they're not around. I'm like that. I train with them most days and then usually we all hang out. So we trained, and then they wanted to go home to be with their significant others and/or study and/or rest and relax before another day at the salt mines. It was a break in my much loved routine. It was hot, I was tired and I was looking forward to recharging with them, and that's all that I could see. I snapped, then playfully ridiculed (like we do), but was more aggressive about it than usual. I caught myself but not before I could see I was making my friends mad. I put my happiness before their well being. Asshole. I apologized. I fucked with their mood because it wasn't my desired outcome. It's out of my control.

Out of your control. That's important. Probably the most important piece of it. You can't control everything, so you have two choices on the raw: fight against an outcome and be an asshole, spending your time and energy trying to change what is happening, or accept it and understand that something is happening outside of your control. You don't have to like it, you just have to admit it's happening and accept it.

Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend. - Bruce Lee

Level Up/The Plateau

I don't know what to do with my excess energy these days. I learn something new everyday, I train, I sleep well, eat well and do the things that I want to do. What the fuck is the source of this energy? Wait, I'd rather know what to do with it. Redundant question: What do I do with my excess energy? It's a tad frustrating.

I had a friend some time ago (or some guy/girl I knew. I think he was a friend) tell me that excess energy, when it becomes frustration, is a sign that you are unfulfilled. I didn't agree with them whole-heartedly at the time, and I don't really now, but maybe there is something to that. Why be frustrated if you're doing the things that make you feel strong or relaxed? The thing is: I feel like I'm doing the right things, the things I'm good at, but I still have this irritating knot in the center of my brow. I wonder why that is?

I'm less inclined to believe it's a case of being unfulfilled. It feels more like a need to level up, so to speak.

I need to improve. It's a positive anxiety. For as long as I can remember, I was steadily improving in everything I did. I've come to a pretty pronounced slow-down.

The feeling must be the plateau, the inevitable place you get to where progress evens-out and your gains are not as dramatic. I'm not going for arrogance here, but I am a stranger to the plateau. I work hard and train and research and listen to those greater than me in order to improve and be better than I was five seconds ago. I've always gained quickly and regularly. Redundant statement: I'm new to the plateau.

I so badly want to exist in an RPG (role playing game). Hello, my name is Andrew and I am a nerd. I say this due to many things, mostly the leveling up, the tangible representation of immediate growth and change. I'm impatient and improvement hungry. I wonder if that's because I play video games, or why I do.

There are services that work for people, many of which I've tried, that attempt to replicate role playing elements (fitocracy and habit rpg for example). They're great. But I want a real life rpg.

The plateau doesn't exist in as black and white form in said genre. When you hit max level or even just get into a rut mid-game, you can go do side-quests and collect loot and etc (yes, I see the allegory for life. I know. I'll get back to work in a minute, but I'm bitching for now. Catharsis and all that).

I'm stoked as all hell for google glass or some facsimile to allow for ARG (augmented reality gaming). I hear we're getting holograms from microsoft in little over a fortnight... Also this lady >





Who I'm pretty sure is ending up like the following on your various electronic devices:

I vote sexy hologram lady over something vaguely hal-like, but maybe that's just me. 2001...go watch it. You'll understand why. Also, I'm pretty sure she calls you chief. Which is just cool. Let me be clear: I by no means have dom/sub fantasies, military relationship fantasies in which you break rank or anything. I also have no problems with, and have a huge love for, badass titles. Again: nerd.

If I could live in a semi-fantasy world where I could slay a goblin and collect the spoils of my conquest, I would. If I could blacksmith talons of a great dragon or artifice magical items for me and mine, I would. The Matrix? Not such a bad idea! Maybe less human farming though (or none...none is good). The holo-deck would be better, obviously.

The world we live in is beautiful, endlessly inspiring... but I want to shoot a fireball out of my hand! Don't you?

Imagine rolling down the street in your Honda and... what's that I see above? A level 12 harpy? Well shit and shazaam! You take aim with the flat of your palm, mutter some incantation (or not) and then BOOSH! A gem falls, or maybe a pinion, perhaps a reward screen pops up with your well-gotten gains in loot!

You'd better believe that the second something resembling the Full-Dive (http://swordartonline.wikia.com/wiki/FullDive) exists, I'm dropping my life-savings into it and riding that virtual adventure for all it's worth.

Until then, I will go on a walk, listen to my soundtrack (today it's Con Bro Chill http://conbrochill.com/), do my day job, dance, try to relax and... You know, I'm writing this and it leads me here: Maybe the plateau isn't so bad!

I had never thought about this before, but could the plateau be a place for you to take stock of where you are? A mental break from the uphill growth section of your life that allows you to process and evaluate said process? Fuck! That's good stuff right there!

Maybe it's a place that you can walk softly and test out your new abilities/knowledge in a safe environment within before taxing yourself further.

I realize that many of you have probably already come to this conclusion. You're awesome. It's new for me.

The plateau can allow you to rest. Holy sweet mother of all that's grand and beautiful. I like that. Rest. The plateau can be your vacation. It can be your escape from your self-imposed regimen that we all take too seriously at one point or another.

Well then. I have nothing left to say. I am satisfied. I still would like to live in a more nerd-based, rpg inclined universe, though. Yeah... that'd be cool.

I (a little)

I want connection. I feel that's a fairly commonly sought-after something. I feel that everyone wants to be connected, hence the popularity of the internet which I have no idea how to use to its fullest.

I woke up this morning craving conversation or new ideas or some-such. I had work to do and a parking meeter to pay, so that came first. Parking paid, work done and washed, my craving switched into full nervousness.

I get here a load more than I would like. I'm nervous or stressed or befuddled, confounded, dumb-struck a great much of the time. It happens when  I think too much or lay sedentary.

I do a great deal, many many things of various this and that. I spend my time well, though some would say too much. I have this drive, an overriding need to do something. I need to learn, to practice, to grow, to do something. Most people do, I would think. I would like to think.

I run on adrenaline and don't really know how to recharge. I would love to be taught how to relax. How to calm my mind and not stress, not de-stress but just not stress.

I'm very unskilled in the art of everyday breathing. I hold my breath whenever I'm idle. My chest is often tight from anxiety. Not negativity, mind you, but I get that feeling of anxiousness when there's "nothing to do" and you have all the energy in the world to get it done.

I need to learn. It helps me forcibly relax. Something new makes something calm overcome the wad of nerves that usually binds in my diaphragm, crunching and squeezing together my insides. Too dramatic, I feel, but it's fairly accurate. I usually have this knot of nerves, everyone does, of stress tension right below my sternum.

I can control it, if I have ample time to do so. I sit or lay down and I focus on the spot and I breathe and visualize the knot becoming water and flowing out. I can usually get it done in a few minutes. It actually feels like my entire body breathes for the first time. It's pretty cool.

I have big dreams. I also have big road-blocks in motivation at times. When it's more than "at times" and it becomes "at always," I rarely do any work on said dreams. I clutter. I think most people do, when they feel stopped. They sit and collect as they try to find that missing piece, as if that missing piece were the compass to the right path or a key to door number 2 where destiny awaits.

I waste my time, according to other blogs. I spend time doing things that are not inherently helpful or productive. I also don't agree with these opinions. I do think that I could spend my time differently, but that falls under the "duh-epiphany" or "everyday-epiphany" or "No-Shit-epiphany." Some examples include: "I really should take the trash out today." "Today I put all of my laundry away and it really did make the place cleaner." "How have I not been exercising my whole life? I feel great!" "I'm going to pay these past due bills!" There's nothing wrong with everyday-epiphanies. Nothing at all. They are the tiny victories that lead you to the big actual-epiphany. Usually that big one is HOW you are ACTUALLY wasting your time (caps-lock = important). The big one, though, has been on your mind for a while. It's just scary.

I am afraid of the big things. I've done a whole lot of living for one man, or three for that matter. Disappointments never stop disappointing. Easy, right? The bad stuff never stops feeling bad. Good thing that the good stuff never stops feeling good. A flat tire will almost always be an inconvenience. But a raise or a first kiss will almost always make you happy.

I am happy, albeit slowed down these days. It's an easy fix in practice. The slow part, not the happy part. Being happy is pretty easy too, though. You just have to do things that make you happy. Pretty easy. Like running? Take a jog. Like a clean house? Clean. Examples done. It's easy to understand and do.

I've been using this phrase to end my classes lately: Have the best day you've ever had. I like the sound of that. Sometimes I add: Be yourself and make the world a better place. Also sounds good. I don't think I've ever got better advice than that. One of my old teachers said it all the time. I think he was paraphrasing Gandhi (be the change you want to see in the world), but I liked how he said it. Trying to be someone else is stressful, also impossible. Whatever you do, you'll still be yourself. I want to be Justin Timberlake. I dance well, I can sing-ish, I act and I copy his style as best I can in the ways I can. Still not him. You can only be yourself, which is pretty great, I think! If you can only be yourself, than no one can take that away from you either. I like that.

Control, A Thing We Need (As reminded via Jank Security (tm))

SO, my friends and I were in Vegas. We were sitting in the lobby of the hotel we were staying at when a... I guess you could call her a security guard. She was without a gun, pepper-spray or cuffs and looked like a wind or perhaps her crack-head boyfriend could snap her in two with a slight shove (she was very skinny; malnourished, some might say). She did, however have a smock that read security. So... yeah, sure, she was security. Why not. I felt secure. Sure.

NOT THE POINT. The point is: she came over to us, patrons of the hotel, and told us to sit up and that we couldn't sleep in the lobby. Actually, first she asked if we were guests. "Yes we are," I replied. Then she told us we couldn't sleep int he lobby. We. Were. Not. Sleeping. In. The. Fucking. Lobby. Periods. Are. Being. Abused. To. Emphasize. Point. We were slumped, yes, but not sleeping. No slumping. Fair enough. Had she said no slumping... Whatever. So we said sorry and sat up and kept talking. Then she returned. One of us (can't remember who), had once again slumped, I guess, though I remember no one dropping more than maybe a solid inch in their seat. Again, "Hey," the bedraggled skag prodded, "You can't sleep in the lobby." Mind you, behind two of us there was a slovenly sack of a man full on snoring. Oh well. Whatareyagonnado?

This person was dead set on asserting her authority in some way. There was nary a soul in the hotel, it being the Life is Beautiful fest weekend and folks were getting their "drug-induced-dance-high-holy-crap-I'm-pregnant-wtf-happened" on, so I totally understand needing to look busy. No big deal. Doing her job, however useless. Who she thought she would stop from any true with her lonesome is beyond me, but that, again, is not the point.

The point is that she reminded me of something very important: Everyone needs to feel in control.

It's a simple thing that I always forget until I'm reminded. We all need control, one way or another. It's why some people have the jobs they have, or the hobbies and it's why so many people love to clean or love to do...anything their own way. Follower, leader, it doesn't really matter one way or the other, folks need to feel like their fate is in their own hands at least once or twice.

It's incredibly important if you're planning on being successful in anything, especially so if you're planning on reaching any point of great success (fame, wealth, or just being debt free etc). I deal with depression like a vast majority of Americans. I'm not sure it's clinical. No clue. Don't care. Not the point. What I do know is the power of momentum and how it's influenced by my feeling of control over my own situation. If I feel like I haven't done anything, haven't accomplished anything, I don't get a thing done. It's even hard to brainstorm when I haven't done anything that day or especially if it's been a humdrum week.

Control over a task can lead to completing said task, which has every chance of snowballing and creating momentum. Control + Task Completion (can)= Momentum. It's like a cyclical version of Yoda explaining the dark side. Control leads to success, success leads to momentum, momentum leads to control etc.

I do simple things, snowflakes really, to snowball my momentum. Doing dishes, laundry, blogging and so forth. Household tasks and the day to day, schedules and the like, make it very easy to move into more important things. Most everyone knows this. I sort of just forget it damn-near all the time. A reminder never hurts.

My personal favorite way to gain control is to give it up. Most people don't actively do this. Ever felt a relaxing calm wash over you when you just follow when you're on vacation? Or when you get a really good leader on a project? How bout something really simple like picking what the group eats that night? Displaying ultimate authority is the willingness in giving it away. A concept that I really love. Showing trust, allowing others to prove themselves grants you power in turn, grants you control. It's a fun experiment if you've never tried it. I highly recommend it.

All in all, the key to success is control. Big or small, you need to feel like you are still behind the wheel. Yes, it's okay and maybe even a good idea to give up control for a moment and let someone drive for a little bit. It lets you relax and take stock before getting back in the captains chair. Start small if you need and build it up. Whatever you need to do to feel strong, make sure that you do it.

Thanks, Plaza Security! I appreciate the life reminder. I hope you are having a good life.