Depression

Tonight, on a very special Idea Man...

I started writing this blog to keep myself honest and to take stock of what and who I am. It's helped me realize that I've been dealing with some serious depression for a while now. How long is irrelevant, but it's gone on long enough that I have been unable to see my own value. Lemme put it another way: depression = being unable to live in the now but you still feel the pain of hating yourself while denying there is a problem, so you lie to yourself and attempt 100,000 things to prove your personal worth, but ready yourself for failure because you know that when you take on said throng of projects you get spread too far thin and melt inside and out.

The short, non-run-on sentence, of it is that I am taking the time to admit to myself that there is a serious problem with me that I'm dealing with.

I'll be the first to admit that I've been one to call bullshit to the whole "depression thing," instead saying arrogant ass-hat things such as: "Just change what you're doing." "Be happy!" and various other insensitive things. The easy of it is that I was afraid to admit how I felt, blah blah blah ya know.

BREAK FOR 2 MONTHS

It's been almost 2 months since I tried to write this post. The truth is obvious, of course, that I got depressed while writing about my depression and was afraid to finish the post.

The above stuff is true, but here's the 100%: I'm terrified most of the time of failing, among other things, and usually think that nothing will change because things have been so back and forth in extremes. I usually feel like a failure, and it is like they describe on anti-depressant commercials. I do feel like I'm sinking into a blackness not unlike a crushing abyss a great deal of the time, WHEN I get into that mood. I'm not a depressed person in general, but there are some things that have played Mary-hob with who I am.

A few years back, I got a divorce and my shrink told me that I would eventually feel the full weight of the pain, anger and so on that I'd endured, but I would most probably never see it coming. He made it very clear that I would become very depressed when I finally lowered my guard and took stock of that time. I did and here we are.

I've lost out on opportunities, both professional and personal, and have most probably hurt my careers more than I know. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of several times, each time taking the position of the victim until I ended up burning bridges that could have been salvaged, had I stood my ground and asserted myself to begin with. I'm not writing to speak of (a project here and there barely counts even if they are fun/enriching), and I don't train near enough. This is an issue.

I've gotten most of it under control in the past month, but I can still feel it behind most things I do, this feeling. Lack of sun meant taking a D vitamin and getting a sun lamp (a must if you live in the PNW). Lack of energy is fixed through exercise (dance, crossfit and stretching). And clarity can usually be fixed with proper diet and me time (which I rarely do well). Those are the answers, but I'm still having trouble balancing, and I frequently find myself back in the hole, as it were.

I am very embarrassed to write all of this. I'm not an unhappy person, just to be clear. My depression manifests typically as a lethargic lump like version of myself, where I am quite honestly afraid to go outside, and I think that my closest friends find me irritating and hate me. My most typical symptom is confusion and fatigue, usually making it extremely difficult to come up with the words that I really want to say. I don't get much sleep these days because I'm constantly in my head. I prefer to live in the here and now, but for the past four months that's been very difficult. I can't stop looking back while being afraid of the future.

I'm writing this because it's time that I move forward. I'm very scared that I'll fail at most things, but I'm also very scared that I will become (and in some cases remain) everything that I hate.

The best that I can say is that I am terrified, but trying my hardest to grow. That's all that I can ask of myself right now, just to grow and continue to learn. I am a happy, positive person, and I'm pretty darn excited to just improve.

If you read this post: Thank you. I appreciate your time.

Day 24 - 8 Years Later

I was going to do a second half of shotgun burst opinions on the US Open, and I still might, until a friend emailed me and reminded me of something humorous. But I should back up. A few weeks ago, an old friend of mine, Larry, had posted a link to a picture from my trip to Herrang, Sweden. It was 2005, I was barely 20, if that, and I was there for the worlds largest Lindy Hop camp. It is still a bundle of some of my most fond memories. I built strong friendships there (Mike and Em and so on), had great adventures (helping out behind the scenes and performing and training), and have a cavalcade of stories I'll always treasure (Tom). It was a rich and unforgettable six and a half weeks that I feel helped me grow as a person. 

So, when Larry posts a link, is it to any of the aforementioned things? Is it a memory that enriched my soul? How about a friend that I need to contact or a tidbit of inspirado? If I may: Fuck. No. It's a picture of me, freshly out of the sauna with my American friends at 5AM, buck ass naked with a booze bottle in front of my junk. I laugh about it and curse the person who posted it to Hell, and chalk it up to "being a 20 year old dumb ass" and lament trusting someone to keep there word of, "I'm totally not posting any of this when various picture sights become popular."

Truth: I'm a little bitter. But I'm an aspiring writer, an artist, and in what way could a mildly embarrassing picture (so not posting it. feel free to hunt it down), from one of the greatest times in my life that was full of raucous laughter and memories, both beautiful and tragic (truth)? It can only feed my soul.

Then John emails me. This is a direct copy/paste from the chat:

J: hey dude, not sure if it's you, but i ran into this as i was browsing through swing stuff on reddit. figured you should know it's out there if you didnt already. segment of interest being around 8:15 mark.

Mr. Jackson had linked me a youtube show put on by some folks I used to know in my Lindy days, hosting a Lindy Hop talk show. And there it was again, on an episode titled Naked Lindy Hoppers. My first thought was: "There is so little going on in the world of Vintage American Vernacular Jazz Dance that they have to report on an 8 year old naked picture of a guy they probably don't remember if ever knew?" The funny thing was that it's a blip in the show...okay, I didn't watch the whole show because it was kinda boring, but I think it was just a blip. Meh. 

It all just made me look back and think what I am proud of (a great deal, actually), what I am ashamed of (a couple of things), funny bullshit (this), and where I am going from here. As annoyed...Yeah, truth, I was/am a tad annoyed at whatever dingus posted an 8 year old picture of 20 year old skinny as hell me, but can't go changing what's already happened. So, as annoyed as I was, it's sort of pushed me to look back and forward, where I was and want to be, and not re-evaluate, but appreciate everything. In a really unexpected way, finding an embarrassing picture of me on the internet forced me to grow. Heh. Grow. It's funny cause it's a naked picture. Ha. 

Don't get me wrong, who the hell ever posted that thing is a douche, simple as that, and the SwingNation talk show really needs better topics. If they'd like, I'd be happy to work out for a couple weeks and post another for their news real (I don't actually want to do that, nor do I think they'd enjoy seeing it). But still, it really is the strangest things that help folks see what's good and then take a gander toward the future. So in a way, thank you, random ass hat from 8 years ago. You've helped me grow as a human. You're still a douche.

Day 23 - US Open PT 1.

The Open falls basically on my favorite holiday and must appreciated family time, so it leaves me with but one option: watch it on good old Global Dance. Please note that these are opinions, blah etc while very hungry and on cold meds. woot.

Michael and Katie

I love these two, pretty much in general. Professional, talented, clean, well groomed, always smellin' good (that's right, Kielbasa...coconut, I believe?). I love this routine, and not just because their costumes vaguely remind me of Blockbuster uniforms and I get a tad nostalgic (not ragging on them, I dig the hell out of them). It's a great song choice that builds so well and they flow through each movement. There were, yes, a few slightly wobble moments, but I'm picky as all hell and they did not detract from the routine as a whole. This was mainly due to their ability to sell their snake oil something fierce. Side: there are very few WCS dancers who I can say are the "perfect investment," and these two fit that.

Side: Who is the emcee?

Sean and Courtney

JACSwing is pretty much my ish, these days, to be clear, and Sean and Courtney show why one more time. The song was is a dangerous choice. See, I loved it, but it's not a general crowd pleaser that pumps folk up without the help of choreography. It's not an obvious choice. I loved this routine because it was simple and showed off Sean and Court's transitions and flow (my favorite thing about Sean's dancing), and gave a glimpse into a few parts of their personalities; a little serious, playful, a little sweet and fun. Where as most couples would probably have gone a completely emo-fantastic route, they kept it chill and let you get into it. I loved it.

Lindy Hop JJ

Thank sweet and tangy Moses that everyone dancing had a good time, and that folks like Shesha, Matty, Nick and Hareesh were dancing. I say that because I love watching these people dance, even if the music is bunk, and even if they are in a crowd of folks who just rock patterns. I say this next opinion from the standpoint that I live vicariously through Matt and occasionally Alyssa: I feel like Lindy is doing what they hate the WCS crowd does; patterns. Then again, the Open is not a Lindy comp. Not one bit. Should I be surprised that the music is whatever and the dancers look bored? Meh.

Side: Dig the transition song.

Ben and Jen

I don't look at this one through the scope of WCS, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I love this routine because it's different, it has personality, it plays to its audience on face value, through nostalgia and is a clever marketer. Oh, it's also crazy bad ass. Forrest can tell you that I flipped...FLIPPED out when we saw it for the first time at Swing Diego. Now that they've had time to let it sink in, and one of the biggest titles (the biggest?) is on the line, it's just better. All around better. Well, okay, it was a little funny to see Jen so smiley-happy during a big thug moment, but it did not take anything away. It's just a good routine, and the partnership is flawless. They're geniuses at their craft. Bam.

Ronnie and Brandi

Flawless. Remember those crazy cool upperclassmen who you looked up to? You know the ones, don't lie. The really pretty ones that could do all the things you could do but knew when and where to do them with spot on finesse? Yeah. The thing I've always loved, and that this routine showed again, was how smart, clean and controlled they are. The song was the same vein as Sean and Courts, in the sense of quiet, slick and simple. Dug it. Still humming it. The theming was spot on, taking you back to familiar points at an earlier part of the routine as it went on, without feeling stagnant. Good theming, man, that's something special, lemme tell you. The routine was everything I love about their dancing. Moving from classic moves with looks that let you in on what they had planned next, to smart innovations on now popular signatures, it was just well done. That's all I've got, it's just well done and I loved it.

Kyle and Sara

First: it's a great routine. It just is. It sticks with the times and still gives their style. What I love so much about the two of them as routine dancers, is how smart they are, and how they are genuinely funny. It's a real rarity to find actual humorous dancers, folks who can hit things at the appropriate times, point out something in the music in the right way etc. They do. The routine played to their strengths, as per the usual, and they gave a great performance, and the fact that they made a song change transition interesting is points in my book. They stay consistent and remain great.

Joshua and Lindsey

There are 6 dancers who I think are the future of WCS. It's pretty much JACSwing and these two. I loved this routine. It was honest, playful, well done, funny; basically, it was Joshua and Lindsey. It played to their strengths and threw in new material that I haven't seen a whole lot, if at all, in the west coast crowd. Lindsey is one of my favorite dancers, period. Yes, in WCS, but just in general. She's everything a dancer should be, and showcased all of the right things here. Joshua is one of a kind. I can spot his style and control out of a crowd any day. He's unique, something I don't say too often. Together, they gave a fantastic performance, while still pushing each other to shine. Go Seattle.

Ben and Cameo

I feel like it's a theme and I'm just repeating myself today. Seriously. Played to their strengths, blah blah. It's astounding, really. I've known Ben a while and watched his style change and grow. There's something special about him. This routine was very him. Actually, I think this routine better fit the two of them than their previous one did. Both good, this one just fitting a tag more snug. Great song, oh man. Their tune is now my jam. The balance here is something to especially note; in the humor, transitions and vocabulary, they stay true to their actual personalities. Honesty as an artist, what more can you ask for? 

end pt 1. Now for lunch.

Fed and back on Global Dance, we continue with...

Jordan and Tatiana

Costumes. Oh sweet fuck. K-Pop Siegfried and Roy for the fully spelled out win. I'm ridiculing at all. I love these damn things. I 99% always do with these two Song. Epic. I don't think I've ever said that about west coast before, but yes, epic. As in RR Martin Epic. I felt like I was watching...wait...wait a damn minute, was that the Dark Knight Rises theme?! Inception!?! Are you freaking kidding me? I...words...win. Heh...swingception? Nerd-overload aside, taking a song like that but still being able to dance it well without gimmicks is impressive, and should be noted.  There's a reason that Jordan and Tatiana are widely considered the best, and they enjoy reminding folks err-year. There's way too much talent here. Theming through the long run, as it were, they again take clearly recognizable movements from their repertoire, show similar flavors that other pros are doing, and then add high-level, well executed moves from wherever else. This will probably win. And it also makes me wonder if movie trailer themes are the next big thing. I feel that I would be okay with that.

Side: Emcee...are you a little drunk? Maxownce Mawtoon and Vearginy Grow...no idea what you said next.

Day 21 - Broken

Sick again.

I find it ironic that I get sick regularly when I'm incredibly stressed, and then again when I am no longer stressed. Is ironic the work I want? Shitty! That's the word! Shitty! Sick as a dog as I type all this mess. On the bright side, I respond to healthy choices a damn sight faster than I did when I was as stressed as could be. It's good. Even when I'm wrecked I still feel good about my general state. Dig it. Still though, I have this fantasy that I wont ever be sick again. That my healthy choices will keep me good and robust for as long as I like. Also, I have a fantasy that the world turns into a video game a-la Sword Art Online, HabitRPG and the like. I know that won't happen. I swear. Yeah. Won't happen. Cough, sputter, IT WOULD BE SO COOL!

I can deal with nausea and weakness, but the fog and confusion that I've wrote about lately sure is a true bane. I hate feeling stupid, and with this version of whatever I've got, a low IQ and remedial motor control come as a package deal. Video games, puzzles and the like really help keep me focused, but conversation, books and stories are a real bitch this week. I've also lost a great deal of patience; no surprise there. I feel like I can kick its ass in a weekend, so here we go.

Bad Glee! Bad! Shame on you! What does the fox say? How did you screw that up? I... *facepalm**face into desk**face into desk again*

I get to sign up for classes now! Not 100% sure of what to take yet, but still excited that I actually get to improve on skills that will really serve my dreams, and move past a real stigma I've had. Full disclosure: I've been very self-conscious to pick up a pencil and get drawing for about 8 years now. Stopped drawing because, during the second weakest part of my life, I was consistently made fun of by dick-holes who are now probably homeless. Like I said, I was weak, so I took what they said to heart and stopped doing something I love. So, 8 years later, I'm starting up again and committing to raising my skills for me and me alone. I am wussy, hear me roar!

Still can't stop thinking about Hunger Games 2. I can not wait until I go see it again. I honestly don't remember the last movie I saw more than once in the theater, but I'd happily drop a chunk o cash to take another gander at ol' Catching Fire one more again.

Okay. Head's fogging up again. Grabbing food, drinking more water, then hopefully sleeping soundly. Oh and Sickness, you can eat a horse turd. That is all. Thanks.

Day 22 - Thanksgiving

It's my favorite holiday, second only to the entire December holiday season.

This isn't a long one, just an episode of a favorite show growing up, and a Chanukah episode sense it falls right now this year.


 I hope that you, anyone who might read this, are with loved ones today or are otherwise happy. I hope that you are so lucky to get fat on amazing food and stories, and I give you thanks if you did take the time to read even this little bit.

Happy Thanksgiving, and Happy Chanukah.

Andrew

Day 20 - Moments

It's funny to me that I wrote about dystopia etc and then hit Catching Fire last night. I loved that movie, simple as that. But the funny part wasn't the connection between the two of those things really. It was more how much of a hubbub I feel I make over fiction, and how much it digs into me. I cried at a certain part with a certain tribute (Mags), felt real anger and witnessed examples of real, human cruelty. I suppose what I'm getting at is my admiration for moments. While I loved the movie, I wouldn't call it a "fun" time when you see some of the horrors they subject people to. The fact that an art form of any kind can create moments that affect people astounds me! Simple as that.

Don't get me wrong, there were a couple of predictable moments in the story, but they didn't take anything away from the experience. And there it is! You can have certain things that your audience is already clued into (even if they are freakishly obvious), if your other moments capture those watching/reading/gaming etc.

EXAMPLE AND SPOILER
Cinna, played by Lenny Kravitz, creates a gown for Jennifer Lawrence's character, Katniss, to at first look like her fictional wedding dress as chosen by the villainous president. She spins, releasing an eye-catching flame that burns away the dress (and symbolic lie), to reveal a darker, bird themed dress w/ actual wings. The dress is fashioned after a mocking jay, the symbol of the rebellion and a clear bitch slap to President Snow. To add a second back-hand, Cinna blows a kiss to the camera that he clearly knows the president is watching from. If you have half a brain, you can kinda infer that Cinna 'bout to die, but the moment is worth it. As is his death scene in front of Katniss not seconds before she enters the 75th games.

Did I see it coming? Yes. Was it any less impactful? No! In fact, it generally adds a little something to include the audience before taking away something important. There are plenty of stories that simply give you a "by the way" or take someone/thing away off screen. That device pisses me off; offscreen deaths. It's rarely done well and, to me at least, feels like a  real lazy writing tool. "How do I explain what my other characters are doing while all of this is happening? Meh, fuck em! They died!" Now, that's a gross generalization as well as just my opinion, but still, I'm rarely a fan of "by the way, we killed your favorite wizards." Damn you Rowling and your wonderful prose and the fact that I actually forgive you for taking a few folks out behind the curtain.

A franchise that has become notorious for back-alley killings is Glee. Fuckin' Glee. Sonofabitching Glee. This show has long sense stopped knowing what it is/wants/what the hell it's doing. The writing makes me hurt, inside and out. Even in the memorial episode (where, yes, I did cry most of the episode) there were unnecessary piles in an otherwise good thing. The show used to be good because the writers allowed the characters awkward/off-kilter personas drive the narrative and create moments that you remember. Arty gets to walk for a few seconds, Sue's sisters funeral, Mr. Shu when he finds out his wife isn't pregnant, those were great moments! Well done and calmly, I might add. They allowed the past of the characters to be important, not relying on random-ass awkward humor (that's been gettin' pretty darn racist, sexist, etc in a really boring and kinda bad way for some time now), or new and strange character traits that make no damned sense in their arch! Tina as a cocky bitch with a Blaine fetish and a sorta molestation scene don't make sense...well, the Blaine fetish kinda does, but it's so creepy that it remains just that, creepy, failing to take the step into awkward-interesting (ala the office). The show, at this point, should just be about the main kids in New York (Kurt and Rachel...even as much as I hate Rachel), and Mr. Shu back at the glee club. Making a huge deal about Shu and Emma's breakup and their reconciliation and declaration that it will take time is good. Having him come in 1-2 episodes later with a side commented "Oh, and Emma and I are back together and the wedding is back on. It's going to be on..." is bad. It's really friggin' bad.

You get memorable moments the easiest by keeping your story simple, making sure the audience knows who is important. A shotgun blast of anything will remove the significance from everything, leaving only a mishmash and a great deal of blending, where you may remember the product existed, but can't find out why you ever participated in it.

Day 19 - Post Dystopiapocalypse

I pretty much need to say this with a general lack of decorum: dystopian and post-apocalyptic fiction gives me a completely reasonable figurative boner. I love to wonder about the what if that had to of gone through the writer's mind when they churned out their version of these genre nuggets. And what I dig so much is that they've been made so even as far back (and before) 1899 for Dystopia (When the Sleeper Wakes by H.G. Wells), and 1826 for Post-Apoc (The Last Man by Mary Shelley)! It is a part of our ever expanding upper-wrinkled facilities to wonder what could be; to think how we might adapt to ever growing population, food shortage, a meteor, zombies, social control, abject cruelty, manipulation, war (regular or extra nuclear), viruses and oh my sweet Lovecraft does the list ever go on!

Now to scratch the surface.

Dystopia

Wiki answer: a community or society that is in some important way undesirable or frightening. It is the opposite of a utopia.

Fiction example(s): Brave New World, Blade Runner, Shadowrun

Things from my brain: a civilization has achieved their "utopia" through the removal of an important human factor; typically control, environmental stability and so on. The system is typically long sense established.

Post-Apocalypse

Wiki answer: concerned with the end of human civilization. This apocalypse is typically portrayed as being due to a potentially existential catastrophe.

Fiction example(s): A Boy and His Dog, Fallout, World War Z (my favorite book)

Things from my brain: a land that is still reeling from the tragedy that forever changed its world; ie. a wasteland brought on by a world nuclear war, zombies are the dominant species due to virus and so on. The new world is still relatively new.

Blade runner has always been a favorite of mine (the games was killer too), and a huge fan favorite is Fallout, so they'll help start off. Not going into super detail, just a genre taster today.

Dystopia

Bladerunner. Wiki: depicts a dystopian Los Angeles in November 2019 in which genetically engineered organic robots called replicants—visually indistinguishable from adult humans—are manufactured by the powerful Tyrell Corporation as well as by other "mega-corporations" around the world. Their use on Earth is banned and replicants are exclusively used for dangerous, menial or leisure work on off-world colonies. Replicants who defy the ban and return to Earth are hunted down and "retired" by police special operatives known as "Blade Runners". The plot focuses on a desperate group of recently escaped replicants hiding in Los Angeles and the burnt-out expert Blade Runner, Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford), who reluctantly agrees to take on one more assignment to hunt them down.

Post-Apocalypse

Fallout. Wiki: a series of post-apocalyptic role-playing video games created by Interplay Entertainment. Although the series is set during the 22nd and 23rd centuries, its retro futuristic setting and artwork are influenced by the post-war culture of 1950s America, and its combination of hope for the promises of technology and lurking fear of nuclear annihilation. Game 1: Released in 1997, Fallout takes place in a post-apocalyptic Southern California, beginning in the year 2161. The protagonist is tasked with recovering a water chip in the Wasteland to replace the broken chip in his or her home, Vault 13. Fallout's atmosphere and artwork are reminiscent of post-WWII America and the nuclear paranoia that was widespread at that time.

The beautiful thing about these two genres is that the world itself has a tendency to be a main character (usually an antagonist), that the main character(s) must overcome, accept, change or otherwise affect or be affected by it as the catalyst for questioning the validity of the current system.

Both are juicy, typically done the same way by a frightening amount of writers (with exceptions of course), and are favorites of mine. Again, not a ton of depth today, just a taster.