VAULT OF DISEASE AND SWAG | Fallout 4 EP 6

Youtube has become a funny thing for me. It's a hobby of mine and a few insane compatriots who have more talent and gifts than they do time.



I'll do a whole thing on let's plays and the phenomenon of social media popularity at another time. It's a truly odd beast. For real, that shit is crazy. I mean...would someone explain vine to me? No. Don't...don't explain vine to me. Please don't.



The point is, I love hearing myself speak - love it. Love the sound of my own voice and I love playing video games. Marrying the two? Delicious.



On todays episode of Fallout Friday: Our hero, William, finds his first Vault! Ready to ransack the place like a proper wasteland pirate, we find a tiny hangup and then some dumbass child gets bitten by a viral rodent! Happy Birthday, Austin! (pretty sure it wasn't his birthday)

Big Boy Pants

Some call it adulting. I thought big boy pants was funnier.

The website is live! Which means I have taken that appropriate step into actual entrepreneur-hood. I've grown some form of testicles, be they made of flesh or synthetic things, and have declared to the world and, more importantly, myself that I am ready to work harder than I ever had before. I say this knowing that said work could blow up in my face, which it has numerous times. But, like all things learning related - especially hardships - if we crash and burn I will come out the other side a stronger professional.

All the same, I am terrified. Excited too, but I may have wet myself this fine afternoon when my fingers clicked purchase and the domain became a reality. Feels good though, so I think I'll keep on truckin'.

Truth time: I've only recently become proficient in selling myself, my brand, my skills, as it were. I wanted to say in this day and age but the fact is that the most successful people have always been those entrepreneurs who would not let anyone else define their success, be they client or peer and so on. Today I grow up (Big boy pants. See! I imagine them as shark-skin slacks).

Welcome to our new home. www.andrewslac.com

The website is what you'd expect for a personal professional site. I've got links to my various things that I do - writing, our youtube channel, dance, acting - there's even a way to shoot me an email to do such fine things as hire my qualified ass! I highly recommend doing the latter! As I say on the youtube tab, it helps me afford things such as food! Also a roof over my head which, turns out, I've become quite accustomed to!

So peruse the site, take a gander and a glance and maybe even drop me a line.

Most importantly: Have the best day you've ever had.

DEPRESSION - 8 Years

I, like many folk, deal with depression. Mine is circumstantial. I'm not clinical. People who are clinically depressed are warriors. I'm more of a squire. I'm an artist too, so I'm inclined toward the dramatic. I also grew up via fiction, so I compare my life to said fiction for pretty much everything. No, you're right, it's not healthy.

When I was a kid, I had this dream of life and specifically marriage. You met someone, you fell in love, they were the one, and it worked or you made it work.

I got married at 22 and divorced at 26. It was an unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship that robbed me of 4 years of my life and sent me down a shit spiral for those 4 years. I figured I was good. I saw a shrink (love Raymond), and came out the other end strong. Then I realized 4 years after that that I never completely healed. And here we are.

For the past couple weeks I've been dealing with the most severe depression I've ever had, including but not limited to a nervous breakdown. I'm coping. I'm seeing my shrink again (love Raymond), and I'm being supported by some incredible people. That being said, it's still going to be a trial.

I also realized something today as I got another dose of caring therapy (thank you Darcie). I realized that I never 100% dealt with the 4 years of shit with my ex-wife. The past year has been a slow, crushing slide, in which I've pushed my closest people away and kept hidden a multitude of feelings from people.

No joke, I couldn't recall physically feeling anything for a solid 9 months, with rare exception.

Things blew up and here we are.

In this time of healing, I've been doing my best to be honest with people, and open up about the things that I've been closed off to for so long. This has pushed people away, though temporary I believe. It's healthy, but it hurts.

Imagine, if you will, storing away your emotions for a whole year and a half, not telling the people close to you how you feel and ignoring your own intentions and emotions. Now imagine, if you will, letting all of that out as information on people in the span of less than a week. It's a lot to take in. I'm not surprised that people are confused and need time. Still sucks though.

As I spoke with my father, I realized that it has been more accurately 8 years that I've been dealing with this cycle of love, betrayal and grief. I'll break it down: 4 years with the ex that were a living hell, then 4 years where I thought I had dealt with everything but had just bottled myself up and walled myself off from love and compassion. I treated people I love like they were betraying me (WHICH THEY WERE NOT, ANDREW!), which would lead to grief over loss. Cue two weeks ago when I snap and here we are.

I screwed some loved ones over, man, lemme tell you. I didn't mean to. I feel terrible about how I've been. I'm owning up to my mistakes and accept the consequences. Fuck.

Professionally, personally and creatively, I've hurt myself and others because of this depression. I've missed out on jobs, treated significant others like they would screw me over because that's what happens in relationships (NO it fucking ISN'T! That's just what you think because you were in the worst relationship ever, dip shit! You treated these women like they were your ex wife who treated you like rat bastard garbage! Dumb-fuck! Giant fucking asshole!), taken more than twice the time to recoup old dance injuries...The list goes on.

I haven't been fair. Not to anyone. 8 years is too long to be broken. It's not just me that suffers.

I'm writing this post to keep myself accountable. For me and for my loved ones, I will put in the work and heal.

I am a great man who has limited himself and hurt his most beloved people because I never took the time to fully heal, to fully do the work that was needed. So I'm doing it. I can't change the past but I can start being stronger now and focus on those that truly matter. It's still going to take a little time, in which I will be hella awkward at times, but overcoming this depressive state is completely doable.

Personal: Be open and honest with my closest, my loved ones, my people. Repair the damage that's been done and fill their lives with adventure, happiness and support. Take the time to take care of my body.

Professional: focus on being a professional writer and entertainer.

Creative: Dance more. Write more. Entertain more. Support my friends more. Easy.

DISCLAIMER: I did not feel good as I scribbled this out. I screwed up and it will take time to mend that.

I have direction. I have goals. Most importantly: I have people that I love that I want to support by becoming greater myself. I'm already doing the work.

Have the best day you've ever had.

#LONELY / Cathartic

Truth time: I'm a very passionate, very loyal, very driven, very loving, very lonely person. There's more, but that's the primary set of feels that have ran through me this year.

DISCLAIMER: This is cathartic writing for me. You've been warned. If there is an off-chance that this post helps someone who stumbles across it: Good!

This post will be more of a factoid concerning Andrew Slac in the year of 2015 and my brain and the associated failings therein.

It's been a hard year. For a lot of people, not just me. I'm not saying it's been bad, just difficult or challenging, if you will. I've learned a great deal about myself, especially concerning my less productive attributes.

Today I learned that I am a very lonely person. This loneliness leads to fear and jealousy. It sucks. Example: When my very best friends have other plans and I can't hang out with them, I get jealous that they didn't choose to spend their time with me. It's childish, I know. I need my privacy, as does everyone, but I do have plenty of moments where I sit and wish I could be with my people when they are otherwise occupied.

Sometimes I get angry. Not sad or etc, but actually angry. Again: childish.

I learned early on that I have a very awkward view and grasp of the world. Things are generally stark black or white for me. I have to actively remind myself, sometimes verbally, that there are shades of grey for most everything, especially people. I hate it. Childish.

I've realized that, while I try to be a good friend and so forth,  I miss things quite frequently. Lately I've lost some people from my social life (most likely for the best), and others I've inadvertently pushed away or haven't been the friend they've needed. My black and white view points me to a solution, and my stress pulls the trigger and guides the bullet down a very narrow minded path.

Bad metaphors aside: I've lost some things this year, some things have changed, and I've gained some things I never expected. Full truth: I'm having a hard time dealing.

Last night I didn't sleep. Today I've felt like what it must be like to take a gut punch from Dwane Johnson (my tummy hurts). In general, I have no idea where I fit. It's been a tough year with all the emotions and what not. I'm working on it. Full truth: See previous full truth.

Mid-DISCLAIMER: I'm generally fine and I'm not writing this for more than needing to get my thoughts out of my cluttered mind. I'd rather not continue having the two nightmares that have been flip-flopping for the past couple of weeks.

Sharing circle: These nightmares are as follows...
1. Waking paralysis. I pretty much guarantee that everyone has had this. That bullshit awake state where you can't move and can't scream, and there's "someone" inside your room who wishes to do you harm...Or maybe they don't...You don't know. Which might be worse.

2. I get cheated on. More often than not, they don't even...cease when I catch them. They seem to revel in it. Bastards. I have this dream a lot, and it's never starring anyone I have ever dated (for the most part). A lot of the time it's people I scant even know, sometimes not knowing them at all.

Full Truth: I've only been in a handful of relationships in the past few years and not one of them has any place in #2. No one actually cheated on me. It's just a fear I've held on to since high-school (when I was cheated on...WOOT). Yes yes...In this scenario I'm something of Ross Gellar.

DISCLAIMER...Again...catharsis. Sorry. Having a challenging year.

Those dreams deal with being helpless, which manifests when I feel lonely. I'm sharing this in the hopes that by doing so I grow stronger.

I have a theory. By making your strengths and weaknesses simple facts that you can easily talk about you remove the pain that is associated and therefor become stronger. Hence this post.

Thanks for playing along.

Have the Best Day You've Ever Had.

A Thought from 4 AM

I went to nerdcon: stories. If you didn't go and you like books...Just go to it next year. If you in any way like stories, go to it next year.



I was reminded and assured why I want to be a writer. Part of it is the class, the clout, the feeling of performing and being selfishly appreciated. Part of it is the feeling of imparting wisdom or opinion or random thought to those around you, sort of the same rush I get from teaching anything. Most of it is how I feel when I write.

I really love my brain, and however I can communicate what goes on betwixt mine ears is a medium worth exploring. Writing is my jam. It makes me feel good, makes me happy, allows me to be introspective but at the same time organic and honest.

I was solidified in this thinking while at nerdcon. The final bolt into the chassis of my brain box was lying in bed after a day of panels in a peaceful city (SIDE NOTE: Go to Minneapolis. You're welcome).

I was lying down. It was about...4am? Yeah. Round then.

http://www.amazon.com/My-Fight-Your-Ronda-Rousey/dp/1941393268

I was reading My Fight/Your Fight by my future wife (Ronda Rousey, of course). Paraphrasing, there is a point in her tale where she has headed out into the world, young and angry and with things to prove. She is competing, and winning, and has the realization, over a box of Dunkin' Donuts, that she loves what she does and that she can do it for herself.

Thus is mine realization. Thanks everyone who makes nerdcon: stories possible, and thanks, Ronda. Your book is amazing, I learned from your experiences and I look forward to our nuptials (a word that I've spelled incorrectly my whole life. Learning is FUNdamental).

I love to write. I don't know how I'm going to make a living off of it (books, scripts, self help etc), but I want to make it my living.

It's the first job that I've really devoted growth to. I've spent a ton of time in other things, but I mostly just fell into them (dance included). Ethics and all that and so forth.

You're all awesome.

I'm still on vacation. New Orleans is an incredible place.

Have the Best Day You've Ever Had.

Andrew

From Plague: I Rise, Wheezing and Clear

From PAX I was gifted the plague, from Kumo: the sickness. Fuck these last two weeks in regards to my health.

But enough of that.

Today is the first day back at the gym (Black Rose ftw woot 420 no scope blaze-it swoltownusa roflcopterbbq creatine hench motherfucker). I'm so happy to feel my body again. That's mostly what this post is about.

I've been dancing for most of my life as a profession. Now I'm not and I've been feeling myself slide into a lesser version of myself. I don't stretch or get enough standard exercise, never mind the creative gap (fixing that). But mostly it's the physical side that's lacking. But this post is about the good stuff, the oooey gooey center of exercise that is feeling at one with your body.

I can't tell you how happy I am to be shaky and tired and so on and so forth via the post workout down period. My head is clearer (which may also come from no longer having the aforementioned plague/sickness that is freely traded at any convention).

Timing is a funny thing. Like most people I get into the headspace of "I wish I had done this that or the other" guilt-spiral bullshit. Excuses. I think you've heard of them? It's a thing where... Never mind. Sarcasm not needed. My bad. Here's a picture of Ronda Rousey looking fabulous and badass to make up for my un-needed dickery (fabul-ass... I like it! That sounds better than it did in my head!)

I spend the majority of my day, like most nerds/the average human these days, sitting at my desk or being otherwise occupied with things that inspire a hunched posture. It sucks! I used to be an athlete. I'm not these days. I'm working on it. Anyway, being once in incredible shape and not currently being there, I know what it feels like to be at one with your physical self and not. To be powerful, feel unstoppable, and to not. What's that saying? Ignorance is bliss? It's kind of true. It's a cowards excuse, but there is some truth to that. But again, I'm getting off track.

What this time away from the physical has given me is time to heal. Then I got sick and it gave me a pain in the ass. Two weeks of being deeply in my head. Here's the cool thing about that: where back in the day I would have wallowed in this state, instead I took my own advice and turned the proverbial frown upside down.

I spent so much time analyzing how I was feeling, and where I was physically and emotionally. The short of what I came up with was a few things I was missing from my life that would push me past where I have ever been.

Easy enough: Schedule was first. Creative outlet was second. And third was tying the two into training.

Schedule is easy: make a schedule. Stick to it. Done. Been working so far, even as loose as demands on my time are these days.

Creative outlet. Also easy: Write all the time. Editing counts. Ideas count. Want to be a writer? WRITE! Done. Dance has been lacking, but I found a new exercise to heal and strengthen quicker so I can get back in the game. Working so far. To be clear: I don't want to pursue a career in dance anymore. It's an unforgiving business with very little income on the average. Not interested. It's gonna have to be my passion. Stoked.

Tying the two into training: I love crossfit. Black Rose has been a great home and I feel powerful doing the exercises we do in the space I get to work in. It's not for everyone, but it's for me. Boxing and Muay thai fill my need for martial arts. Insert WOOT here. The newest addition to the group is a couple of break dancing exercises that essentially mimics parkour training (quadrupedal movement and sustained body weight transference), and bullet time... I just really wanted to get the term "bullet time" into this post. Remember the matrix? Remember all the slowing down during run and gun scenes? Bullet time. Being less of a nerd: You do break dancing vocab, but you either do your moves horrendously slow, or you go from medium fast to slow ass all hell, move by move. It's weirdly fun! And it builds control like a sonofabitch!

That's pretty much where I'm at with the physical.

The last little bit, which has plagued me for some time, is the missing tool. I'm a writer, a dancer, an actor and a metric fuck ton of other things. Finding a single tool to best facilitate being a professional artist (with a decent wage) has been a trial. And then there's youtube.

I have a whole thing I want to say on youtube, but I'll save it for another post. The short: I honestly think youtube is the key to my success as an artist. Yes, I'm late to the party, but you gotta get there sometime, right? Call it fashionably late. I've been doing youtube gaming (let's plays mostly) as a new hobby for about a month. I love it. It's strange how commentating on anything can give you creative confidence and help clear your head. It helps that I grew up as a gamer. But more on that later. (let's play of Enemy Mind down below).

For now I'm going to go to my new place and haul crap out of the garage, then remodel a bathroom.

Have the best day you've ever had!

PAX Prime Day 1 / Professional Entertainment

DISCLAIMER: This post was me figuring a few things out in my head. It's a tad awkward here and there.

It's extremely valuable to absorb everything you can in your chosen field. So I went to PAX again.

I dream to entertain. I am also a nerd, a gamer, a geek and so forth. This is also the only time in any of my professional careers (of which I have had many) where I have tried my best.

I aim to meld the things that I can already do with a crowd/genre that I love, that has otherwise been left as another part of myself.

I have a great deal of inspiration around me in my closest people/the people to whom I look up to the most.

Today was the first day of PAX Prime. I went last year, but I wasn't sure how to utilize the information/spectacle that I was being bombarded by/with. This is the largest trade show I have ever been to (rumor being that numbers have reached the 80,000 attendee mark this year), and those numbers are not something you can prepare yourself for. 75,000 is roughly the size of Redskin Stadium (now Fed-ex field). Now imagine the entire stadium of similarly vocal, dare I say, zealous fans actively on the crawl that everyone adopts during conventions. It's daunting and exhilarating, but I'm getting off track.

My point is that I had no direction last year, and I have found direction this year. I love this field of expression. I'm a dancer and a writer and actor and so on and so forth, but I most definitely need this other aspect, this tribe of nerds in my life as a primary.

What makes me so sure of my desired placement is the celebrity. Not the fame, but the actual celebrities themselves, the folks who have already entered into the professional realm. I look for mentors. It's an easy, obvious observation. I've found my best in my friends, father and mother, but not in professionals in my other fields. This isn't to say that I don't respect and/or look up to those in dance, acting and so on. I have plenty of people I admire. The differential is the ego and presentation of that ego.

Before anything, I need to clarify that ego is healthy, to a degree. You did good, you celebrate. Good on you. Moving on.

My experience in the arts is with a great many folks who make it a habit to talk shit and boast beyond what is necessary. I'll probably go into great detail and specifics at some point. I'm getting off track a little...again.

There is something about the type of professionalism in the celebrities that I have chosen as "mine" in the gaming/nerd crowd. It's matter of fact. They seem to understand their position. They understand the prestige, the fragility and the value of their fans. I admire that and I want to be that kind of professional.

Today I hit a panel with Kindell that was Youtube Gaming, focusing on Game Grump's Aaron, PrestonPlayz, Shadypenguin and captainSparkles. (links are below) These people have over ten million subscribers combined. I have six. Moving on. It was your standard "tell us about the struggle" panel. What I took away from it was their down to earth attitude of "I do it because I like it," and "don't do it if you don't like it." They shared neuroses of social anxiety and advice to overcome it. They shared their technical wisdom. Mostly they made sure that people saw them as just folk, people who liked creating the content they do so they kept on doing it.

I've had the opportunity to meet the people I look up to most in my desired fields, and I feel like I'm latched to the right horses. Their character draws me in. Mostly, they seem to be like me. I've never felt that before, not in "superiors."

I want to be a writer like Patrick Rothfuss, a dancer like Danial Brown, an actor like Downey Jr, a friend like my crew, a parent like my father and mother. I want to be a youtuber like JackSepticEye, a producer like Kindell, an athlete like Aaron. The list goes on.

I have started making this list of what I want to accomplish with production. It's not as long as I'd first imagined it would be. I'll post it at some point. It feels tangible. I'm also at a point where I am excited to do the work and not just go for the reward.

Here's a couple:
Publish my first book proper and make a living as a writer.
Be consistent with youtube production - gaming/nerd/arts.

I'm on a good track.

LINKS for YOUTUBERS
Game Grumps - https://www.youtube.com/user/GameGrumps
PrestonPlayz - https://www.youtube.com/user/PrestonPlayz
ShadyPenguinn - https://www.youtube.com/user/shadypenguinn
CaptainSparklez - https://www.youtube.com/user/CaptainSparklez
Jacksepticeye - https://www.youtube.com/user/jacksepticeye/featured
ChknfootTV - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOtLStn-LL5Hf-CMa1UQeVg