A Beautiful RAGE QUIT (This War of Mine)

I wanted to title this: RAGE QUIT / Why This War of Mine is Important, but it was too long. But that's what this is really about, a video game that has gotten so far under my skin that I can't help but feel something.

This post is all about the game "This War of Mine," a something I picked up on Steam during their annual Holiday Steam Sale (that should be subtitled "Bahahahaha, I am Gabe Newell! Bow before me and shake loose the monetary sacrifice that is customary this time of year. I am Gabe Newell and your heart shall be broken through entertainment and the draining of your pocket book through your supple, defenseless anus. I AM GABE NEWELL and I shall shuffle loose your bank account from this mortal coil! Gabe Newell has spoken, and though you touch the hem of my garment and become healed, you find yourself with but a pox of surplus games you CANNOT HOPE TO COMPLETE!!!) If you're a gamer, then you know.

This War of Mine is a survival game from the perspective of the civilians, not the soldiers. This is fairly uncommon and means that you're not a gun toting badass or a trained killer. Think the Sims meets the 1992-96 Siege of Sarajevo during the Bosnian War and there you have This War of Mine (full wiki here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_War_of_Mine). 

I've played roughly 13 hours of this game so far. Steam has a counter of your accrued hours in game to remind you how much of your life you spend in your chair, slowly dissolving into a pool of contentment and hungry-man dinners. In these 13 hours, I haven't completed the game once. And yet, I keep coming back for more, trying again and again a game that takes me back to the good old days of youth and gaming. This is not an easy game, not in the sense we've become accustom. It doesn't tell you what to do, there is no tutorial and there are real consequences. Your characters can die! And when you do, they do not respawn and your other characters feel terrible for the loss, just like you. So why play? I'm not a fan of rogue-likes usually, especially ones like this where you don't get any new, weighty unlockables (new weapons, more items, though you do get to pick other characters to start with). I play this because I give a damn about the characters. I honestly care about their well being. I want them to survive because, thanks to some brilliant design in mechanics, the developers at 11Bit Studios (http://www.11bitstudios.com/games/16/this-war-of-mine) have put me into the mindset of a survivor, again and again. I have also exited this game through a rage quit each. and. every. time. I still come back for more.

I don't need to explain the mechanics, if you want to know the full game how-to, then you can wiki that shit. It's gold. The gist, is that during the day you are confined to your house. They mention here and there that it's because military snipers are killing anything that moves during the day. So when the sun is up, you fix up your squat into a livable shelter. During the night, you send one... ONE! ONLY ONE!!! of your three or four (maybe more?) civilians into areas to scavenge for supplies (food, building supplies, ammo, etc.). During these runs, your characters might encounter thugs or military that might just want to kill you. You might also step into another groups squat and then THEY might want to kill you.

My poor bastard, Pavle, has been killed each and every time for one reason or another. He is also the only one who has been killed. Sorry, Pavle. Pavle has died due to the following reason (all gunshots but all caused by different things): I tried to steal from an elderly couple, not thinking their middle aged guardian son would show up and shotgun me down. I entered a place that I didn't know (because apparently I can't read) belonged to a whole house of civilians ready to protect their own. They all shot me. No joke. Five people with pistols aerated my Pavle. Again, sorry, Pavle. There are more, plenty more, but the most recent foray into Pavle's Edge of Tomorrow was about twenty minutes ago. I learned that some thugs had killed a good priest who had been taking care of people and providing them a place of their own. So I entered, armed pretty well and silently took out the first. I took his ammo and gun and moved on and found the next. I got the drop on him too, but had to shoot him. The sound brought two more of his buddies. I was able to block one off, but had to engage the other. I had him. I HAD HIM. And I ran out of bullets when I tried to pull the last shot. Did I run? I panicked. Then I died. Pavle was again shot down. But it was okay, so I thought, because I learned that if you Alt-F4 out, you trump the autosave and won't die! NOPE!!! I somehow activated the voice-over function on my computer instead, giving the game plenty of time to autosave and give me the finger in the form of a photo of Pavle's lifeless face.

He was peaceful. I know he's not, but when I look at his picture I think he's smiling. I, however, was shouting fuck several times and threw a stress ball across my room. My heart was racing and I was angry and kind of sad. I failed again, but I was sadder that when I logged back in, Pavle would still be dead. I got him killed because I couldn't be patient. I rushed in and, once again, watched him die.

Yes! It's a video game! NO, Pavle doesn't really exist in a way that can physically effect my life. I can't hang out with him on a Friday, grab a beer and talk about life in war torn Yugoslav and how things are better/different if they are at all. But I am a nerd, a person who frequents the worlds we create in our head, on paper and in cyber space. I am moved, changed, inspired, hurt, wronged etc by the things that happen in fiction. And that's why a something like This War of Mine is important. Jokes and cursing aside, things that dare to take us to places we fear or obsess over or yearn for are the most valuable. I am terrified of failure, of loosing control, and this game gives you so many opportunities to fail in monumental, important and permanent ways. You can take too many trips to the same location to salvage because it's a safer zone, but you might miss out on an area for weeks because the military moved its fighting there. The weather may change and you might not have the furnace up to snuff. Your people get sick, sad, then depressed and then they die. You might get desperate and raid an elderly couple and watch in disbelief, as the player, as they don't fight back. They sit, cower, and just beg and plead for you to stop and just leave them alone. You don't. You take their things and leave them to the elements and other raiders. Because that's what you have become. You're a bandit, though you might be one for the sake of saving your own.

The beautiful truth of this game, and of fiction like it, is that you feel something. You learn a bit about yourself and what you just might do in those situations. I'm a fairly smug gamer. I'm good at video games on the whole and I feel like I know what they'll throw at me. I treated the situation like I was a call of duty soldier on many occasions and wound up dead each time. There is no respawn. This game reminds me to be thoughtful. To take my time and do the things that I don't want to do for the sake of my greater good. It reminds me that things get messy, no matter how big or small, things can go so far south that they are miles beyond your control. You learn, grow and adapt and change with those monkey-wrenches. You adapt and grow or you remain as the oak tree in the storm and fight, stubbornly, until you're flat on your back come sunrise.

Of course, it is just a game, if you want it to be. It doesn't have to teach you anything if you don't want it too. But please let it. I hope you let your fiction influence your reality. There are so many things that you can learn, that you can gain from visiting a place that isn't your own, a place fake but full of valuable things. Give it a shot.

Control, A Thing We Need (As reminded via Jank Security (tm))

SO, my friends and I were in Vegas. We were sitting in the lobby of the hotel we were staying at when a... I guess you could call her a security guard. She was without a gun, pepper-spray or cuffs and looked like a wind or perhaps her crack-head boyfriend could snap her in two with a slight shove (she was very skinny; malnourished, some might say). She did, however have a smock that read security. So... yeah, sure, she was security. Why not. I felt secure. Sure.

NOT THE POINT. The point is: she came over to us, patrons of the hotel, and told us to sit up and that we couldn't sleep in the lobby. Actually, first she asked if we were guests. "Yes we are," I replied. Then she told us we couldn't sleep int he lobby. We. Were. Not. Sleeping. In. The. Fucking. Lobby. Periods. Are. Being. Abused. To. Emphasize. Point. We were slumped, yes, but not sleeping. No slumping. Fair enough. Had she said no slumping... Whatever. So we said sorry and sat up and kept talking. Then she returned. One of us (can't remember who), had once again slumped, I guess, though I remember no one dropping more than maybe a solid inch in their seat. Again, "Hey," the bedraggled skag prodded, "You can't sleep in the lobby." Mind you, behind two of us there was a slovenly sack of a man full on snoring. Oh well. Whatareyagonnado?

This person was dead set on asserting her authority in some way. There was nary a soul in the hotel, it being the Life is Beautiful fest weekend and folks were getting their "drug-induced-dance-high-holy-crap-I'm-pregnant-wtf-happened" on, so I totally understand needing to look busy. No big deal. Doing her job, however useless. Who she thought she would stop from any true with her lonesome is beyond me, but that, again, is not the point.

The point is that she reminded me of something very important: Everyone needs to feel in control.

It's a simple thing that I always forget until I'm reminded. We all need control, one way or another. It's why some people have the jobs they have, or the hobbies and it's why so many people love to clean or love to do...anything their own way. Follower, leader, it doesn't really matter one way or the other, folks need to feel like their fate is in their own hands at least once or twice.

It's incredibly important if you're planning on being successful in anything, especially so if you're planning on reaching any point of great success (fame, wealth, or just being debt free etc). I deal with depression like a vast majority of Americans. I'm not sure it's clinical. No clue. Don't care. Not the point. What I do know is the power of momentum and how it's influenced by my feeling of control over my own situation. If I feel like I haven't done anything, haven't accomplished anything, I don't get a thing done. It's even hard to brainstorm when I haven't done anything that day or especially if it's been a humdrum week.

Control over a task can lead to completing said task, which has every chance of snowballing and creating momentum. Control + Task Completion (can)= Momentum. It's like a cyclical version of Yoda explaining the dark side. Control leads to success, success leads to momentum, momentum leads to control etc.

I do simple things, snowflakes really, to snowball my momentum. Doing dishes, laundry, blogging and so forth. Household tasks and the day to day, schedules and the like, make it very easy to move into more important things. Most everyone knows this. I sort of just forget it damn-near all the time. A reminder never hurts.

My personal favorite way to gain control is to give it up. Most people don't actively do this. Ever felt a relaxing calm wash over you when you just follow when you're on vacation? Or when you get a really good leader on a project? How bout something really simple like picking what the group eats that night? Displaying ultimate authority is the willingness in giving it away. A concept that I really love. Showing trust, allowing others to prove themselves grants you power in turn, grants you control. It's a fun experiment if you've never tried it. I highly recommend it.

All in all, the key to success is control. Big or small, you need to feel like you are still behind the wheel. Yes, it's okay and maybe even a good idea to give up control for a moment and let someone drive for a little bit. It lets you relax and take stock before getting back in the captains chair. Start small if you need and build it up. Whatever you need to do to feel strong, make sure that you do it.

Thanks, Plaza Security! I appreciate the life reminder. I hope you are having a good life.

Dirty, Nerdy Developers

Boy do I have a boner for in-jokes. I'll back up. The prompt for this post came while I was playing Shadow of Mordor.

It's a great game, whether or not you love/like/likelike the LOTR universe. It is also pretty much Assassin's Creed and a number of other franchises smashed together into a hybrid baby of very successful proportions. It is. Don't say otherwise. It's AC with more magic and that's fine by me.

Back to the point. I love in-jokes (having an afore mentioned fictional nerd erection when they are found in games). They (in-jokes) are proof that the developers give a damn beyond their paycheck. It is an easy argument that can be made that they obviously love their job or they would put their coding skills to use elsewhere. However, I love what I do and have done plenty of shit side jobs I hated to make a buck. In-jokes, easter eggs, those sorts of things, they prove a true caring for the craft/medium. So I go on...

In Shadow of Mordor, there is the Nemesis System. It's mighty fine. Could have been done a little better, but that's not the topic of this post nor is it anything more than opinion. For a more full explanation of it go here: http://www.ign.com/wikis/middle-earth-shadow-of-mordor/The_Nemesis_System

You have the possibility to get any one of several god-knows-how-many names/titles for your enemies. Most are threatening, powerful, grotesque, maybe even majestic! My nemesis was named Kuga-Luga (koo-GAH-loo-GAH) The Heart Eater. Not bad! And he was a dick! He'd almost kill me every time I found him (and he was never alone), and I could never land the killing blow! He was tenacious, vicious and crafty. And it felt good, nay, RIGHT when I finally separated his head from his body during the final push on the Black Hand's keep. Other names included Thrak of the Wastes (who carried a flaming sword), the canonical Ratbag the Coward (voiced by the amazing and omnipresent Phil Lamar), even Golm the Hotheaded was something of a badass (he had a brazer on his freaking head and was immune, even robust to everything). But there was one uruk, one super orc that stood above the rest with a name so perfect, so... Screw it, his name was Dûsh the Sickly.

Dûsh the Sickly. Pronounced, yes, douche (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douche) the mother-fucking sickly.

I know I'm not the only person to find this guy. He has gone by at least another name I googled: Dûsh of the Stench. No joke. Proof:

I'm guessing that my guy (the sickly) either came from or became "of the stench" at some point. At least, he would have had I not chopped his friggin' head off in less than a blink. He was such a pushover. I was saddened, too! I wanted to save this guy for my personal army! I wanted to make him a chieftain! Imagine, Chieftain Dûsh, the mightiest of the ranks, sitting atop his crooked throne and raining down... punishment? I guess? Sickness? Baking soda and water with a pleasant floral scent? On his enemies?

What made this even better was the fact that each and every uruk elite is herald by a very refined and semi-sinister announcer. It felt like hearing Andy Serkis announce my every enemy. Oh Dûsh, the hours (honest to god hours) of laughter you've given me. You will be missed. I also had a drink in his honor. Again, not kidding.

The developers had of been laughing. They had to! I mean... come on! Anyhow, whether or not you made it this far, here's a little link for your trouble. If you're interested in easter eggs, video games have some great ones. I'll do a post on them as a whole some other time.

EASTER EGGS: http://www.businessinsider.com/best-video-game-easter-eggs-ever-2014-7?op=1

For now, remember Dûsh as I remember him: as a light of joy that shone, though briefly, on my time in Mordor. Thank you... Sweet lord! Your name was Douche! Best! Best damned thing ever. (note: the author of this post is not, in fact, a 12 year old boy. He is a man in his 29th year with refined tastes for things such as whiskey, the arts and has the humor of a teenager at best... Douche sure is a funny word...)

A Mouth Full of Mind

It's important, this thing called: honesty. And it's a funny sombitch. I say so because we, as a people (people being Americans in this case first, humans second) are pretty darn outspoken when it comes to what we think on surface matters (mostly crap we want to buy). We become tongue tied (some of us) when we attempt to speak our true thoughts, impulses and that sort of thing about the things that truly matter. I don't mean the drunken splat that erupts when our inhibitions are removed due to good old social-lube (booze, you sick/awesome bastard). Side: it should be noted that I have had a few. Moving on. I mean the thoughts that we marinate on daily, sometimes hourly. The thoughts that we are sometimes afraid of just having, let alone letting out of our respective word-holes. Mostly the positive. While we may be honest, we are scared to say what we really think.

Also, this isn't a how to. It's just what was on my mind.

I don't lie. It's not my thing. It has nothing to do with morals, either, it's more coming from a general hatred of wasting time and abiding that which is useless. I used to lie like a champ and all that it got me was a mess of people who treated me, themselves and our respective passions like garbage. It made getting to know people useless... Really, that's it: It makes the time you spend useless. My next phase was omission. I may not have been lying, but I wasn't letting anything true about my convictions out. Where's the fun in that? Where's the fear, the danger, the joy and the learning? How the fuck do you expect to learn, grow, change, enact chaos and order without being truly honest with others?

(Babbling paragraph) Others, of course, come later. First is honesty with yourself, but I find that most people are very smart and very much know what they are about, so we can skip that. Honesty with others is another bastard that comes from confidence. It can also be a great path to confidence. It's really easy, actually, to be confident. It is! More on that later. Now it's all about honesty with others, which leads to said confidence. Ahem...

We are unconfident for many reasons, but personally I find that I am most unconfident when I have my "idiot days." These are those days when you feel inferior in some way. Stupid, fat, a failure, and so on. No matter your intelligence, weight, successes and so on, most people have those days where we feel less than we are. I don't know why these days happen, and for todays purposes: I don't care. Your people, your inner circle, family etc can bring you out of this funk in many ways. The longest lasting, in my experience, is from the best source: their strength, their success, their brilliance.

The average person has at least one friend. It can be safely assumed that this one friend brings something very positive to that persons life. I'm talking about said friends merits. In some way, this person/these people is/are superior to you. Deal with it. I've got friends who can do a style of dance better than me, can sing better, can cook better and so on. We all do. When you look at them and you recognize this, accept and embrace this, it empowers you. You surround yourself with the best! It says volumes of you, the company you keep. The path to embracing your own brilliance can be nurtured through the embracing and celebrating of your people.

The next bit, my favorite bit, is saying the things on your mind. To make a long post short: It's so easy to say what's on your mind if you start with your people. Compliment them, praise the ever loving hell out of them. From there, you can hold your head high and do the same about yourself. Of course, you can also do this in the opposite way, it's just how I handle things.

This was fun to write. In part because I'd been drinking and watching West Wing and Angel. I feel like my next post will be less babbling. Meh. Still fun.

Needing and Getting

"I need..." is easily one of the most ill-used prompts for things that we usually really don't. I damn sure over-use it, and it's usually for q video game or a random item of some kind (more than likely a pair of fine-ass sneakers). Those are wants. Needs are actually incredibly simple, because we need only a handful of things as an animal species.

We, and by "we" I mean humans (homo sapiens, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human), need three things: sustenance, shelter and socialization. Our needs, yes, have modern adaptations, but they are still the same as any other creature on the planet (speaking very generally about mammals with pack/tribe mentality). In my quest for self-actualization (if, in fact, one can reach a level of such, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-actualization), I have "needed" so many things. So I decided to make a handy list that someone else, countless someones, had no doubt made before me. This is no guide to nutrition or lifestyle in terms of what you should do/eat/be etc. This is just a simple list of basic, no-frills needs.

I will also be including wants, because that shit is solid gold. All wants expressed here are mine. Enjoy.

Recognizing your needs V wants is huge. It will help you go from surviving to thriving (tm...by someone, I'm sure).

SUSTENANCE

NEED
Food and water. Pretty easy: your body needs fuel to run, and the worst thing you can do is deprive it of sweet, sweet sustenance. On the most basic, you need to fill that gut of yours with water and whatever your diet is. Do some diets promote healthier mind and body? Yes! But that's a completely different post. A good chunk of your need for water can be obtained through the food you eat if you have a proper assortment of greens, but most of us don't. I highly recommend learning to cook no matter what your diet is. It's fun (eventually and especially with people), usually healthier and it makes your wallet smile.

For water, I have to remind myself to hydrate constantly, which is stupid. I should just drink water because it is what most of my body is made of and is required to survive. To make it easier, I keep a 32oz contigo brand water-bottle next to me when I'm working/writing/arting and so on (http://www.gocontigo.com/water-bottles/). I make it as attractive as I can to trick myself into thinking it will be fun to drink from it: It's green (my favorite color), has a nifty grey top and has stickers of things I love on it. Weeeeee, water! Fun AND delicious! Really though, if you want to be anything (artist, athlete, banker, whatever), just remember to hydrate.

WANT
I hate water. I do. Well, I love swimming in it, and I love rain, and if I were a bender I'd be a water-bender, but as far as a drink goes: bored, next please. Tea is my jam, usually of the green variety, and my favorite is gyokuro matcha or a home made chai with real milk. I'm also a big fan of my sprits, and tend to favor whiskey, especially rye, with my current favorite being Bulleit Rye (http://www.bulleit.com/). I guarantee that I just originally tried it because all of my heroes liked whiskey of some kind, especially Frank Sinatra. I even brew my own beer (though only 1 out of three batches has been successful due to some unforeseen shite. You learn and grow, blah). I love beer. I like whiskey, but I love my beer. And my king pint was, is and will continue to be a good ol' Guinness (http://www.guinness-storehouse.com/en/Index.aspx).

Food? I love it all. If I had to pick one cuisine to stick with over all others for the rest of my life: Japanese. No question. It's perfect to me, from sushi to izakaya to snacks to beverages and so on and so on. I love Japan for many things, but food is #1. Cake. Also cake.

SHELTER

NEED
A home. Simple. Whatever it takes to have one, do it and get a place to hang your hat. I'm very lucky and have a good apartment in a decent part of Portland, which is a fairly chill town to begin with. A home provides safety and security and a much needed escape when times get shitty/real or when you just need down time. You already know this. The part that people don't talk about that much is the safety part, which has always been odd to me. I was always told that I needed a place to stay, but the need for a safe living area was never overly emphasized. It's all about location. I highly recommend getting a smaller place in a safe neighborhood well before I'd send someone to a shit-ball part of town with a swank condo, but that's just me. Whatever safety is to you (quiet neighborhood, city downtown, hustle and bustle or white picket-fence), seek that out and get it however you can.

Room mates are a funny thing. I typically prefer to live alone, but sometimes that's just not an option. When you are looking for your shelter, sometimes you need a few buddies or maybe randos to afford the one you want. Most people act like they're fine having room mates, or that they can share a place with just about anyone, but those most are really just some. We are still animals and we are territorial as all hell. If you don't jibe with someone, get yourself or kick them the fuck out. It's that simple. When I hear people complain about their roomies, I'm always curious as to why they don't do the latter or the former. I'm usually met with some version of "I can't afford to move out," which could be true, yes, but is more than likely bullshit. You're afraid. Been there, know how you feel and it sucks, but the only thing to be afraid of in that situation is not being honest and staying mired in human shit. Live where and with whom you actually want. In the case of room mates, want is a need in my opinion.

WANT
I see myself in something of a craftsman home with heavy Japanese architecture elements. Clean, efficient, maybe two stories but definitely open. Lately I've been musing about the container home (https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=container+home&FORM=HDRSC2) as being a part of it. I want it to be surrounded by green, with fig and Japanese cherry trees. I want a Japanese bath and a stone shower inside, a bamboo shower outside and a hot-spring of sorts. A dance studio is a must. Really, a space that can be used to train dance, martial arts and can be used for gatherings wins. I can see having the "dojo" double as a movie/gaming room, but usually I like to have training rooms remain that, and have a second space, the living room, be where I keep my big-ass tv and various gaming rigs. Most importantly, I need a large kitchen to entertain from and stretch out in. Counter-tops are negotiable but gas burners are a must, as is an old, European style dining table (rugged and solid, not fancy). Also a small brewery and bar. Yes. A must.

SOCIALIZATION

NEED
You need your people. Some don't. Some can go it alone their whole lives and be solid. I'm not one of those people. I need positive, uplifting folks who like me as much as I like them. I am currently lucking out here, as my friend-base is incredible. Your friends are a reflection of you and how you see yourself. Think you don't deserve many good things in life? Is your self-esteem in the toilet? Then you no doubt will have surrounded yourself with friends who take your energy and crap on your soul. Usually, a person has shit friends (people who tear them down), because they didn't choose like-minded souls. It should be your first priority to have cohorts who are likeminded. Yes, it could just be that you happened to find people who flat-out suck, but more than likely the ones you hang with just don't think like you and aren't driven in the same way. I'm not saying your people need to be you, but they should be similar. I, for example, get extremely excited about the projects that I do and the things that I love. I therefor surround myself with people who do the same, especially about the things that I love! Is is selfish? Yes and no. It is, but if you are getting support and energy from your people about your projects, no doubt you're giving that same energy and support back. It's win win. You don't need to have people who want the same wants that you do, but you do need friends who support in the same way that you do.

WANT
I'm pretty much perfect here. My friends and family are incredible and I have an amazing support crew. The only real want that I have for my social aspect is to be able to help my people realize their dreams.

THE 4th NEED

NEED
There is, of course, hidden and hard to find, NEED #4: Purpose. We need to feel connected to the world, as our minds expand and evolve, we need to feel like we've done something with our lives. Purpose can only be realized when we've taken care of our other three needs. Purpose can be anything, but we usually mark it as what we will do for the rest of our lives, and more than not: our job. Is purpose always your job? Hell no. More often than not, it has nothing to do with what you do for a living. There's probably a small handful that woke up one morning saying: I, Marcus Everyschmuck, will repair AC units, as it is my purpose. More often than not, your job is your meal ticket. Your purpose is whatever you want. That's it. It's whatever you truly love and want to do with your life, the thing that makes you the happiest and makes you fulfilled. It's different for everyone. Some are fathers/mothers, some bake, some fight, some run track, paint, sing, make money, fuck, write and so on.

For me, it's entertaining. No matter the thing I do, I feel the need, the drive, to make people feel something, to look into themselves and truly experience the world inside and out. That's what entertaining is to me. Sometimes its as simple as a much needed smile, or as grand as helping someone else gain true confidence in their own abilities and maybe even find their purpose. I, myself, want to be happy. My happiness is achieved through helping others enjoy even a fraction of the things the world has to offer.

WANT
To be happy with my loved ones. To be the best that I can be in the things that I spend my time doing. If life is a contest, I am currently winning.

This post was not inspired by the OK Go song "Needing and Getting," but it does have an amazing video that threatens to inspire. Observe:

You've Got Growing Up to Do.

It's 3:08 AM and I'm still awake. Not wide awake. 75% maybe? I'm still awake because I'm an insomniac. I'm an insomniac because I'm stressed most of the time I that I think about the next thing that I have to do. And the next thing is never alone. It's never one thing. It's a shotgun blast of many, many fulfilling project and opportunities. A metric fuck-ton of big dreams and slim to jack-shit budgets. The things I've taken on in my life have all lead me to greater things and incredible people and experiences. Payment is not one of these things.

I look forward, and I budget during the wee-hours. I do what responsible people do when they want something. I brainstorm and I ask the questions: Do I have enough cash to get this going? And if not: How much will I have to work/how much do I need/and what will I have to do to make this happen? I spend a great deal of time trying to budget my time, willpower and finances to fulfill many, many dreams, mine and those of others, and usually I come up on top! Or at the very least near the top with room to improve. And for years this has been fine. I've been happy while not having a savings and a solid 100% that I don't have any real monetary assets beyond three figures. As long as the projects got done, I was happy and reasonably healthy.

I'm still happy, and every day I get stronger, but today I realized something: The relative success of my projects and my ability to stay afloat financially has been largely luck based. I've made enough due to commissions/gifts/flukes and the like. When it's flowing, the luck and money, I'm smiling. But I've relied so heavily, subconsciously, on this luck based income that I had no plan for when/if/should it bottom out and leave me high and dry. And here we come to why I'm awake at now 3:16 AM (typing is hard when I'm stressed).

The money's gone. Okay, not gone, but definitely to a point that I need to be fairly concerned. I've never been here before. Not like this. And it's not that I'm afraid of being here or not used to it either, it's that I sit and ponder what loop hole for circumstance that I might be able to fall into and I'm just not finding one this time. I hit a wall, if you will, and the only thing that I can actually come up with is that my usual brand of dumb-luck just isn't working. As much of a planner as I am, I never truly factored in the "real world." The holy shit moments when budget is actually screwed. Every time the money as always come close to running out, I would get either a gift, or a random ass gig that let me float a bit more (save for a horrific year in college back in early 2000. Eggs, rice, occasional ramen. Always hungry. Always tired. Always stressed. Nervous breakdown. 'Nuff said).

It never once occurred to me that my budgeting wasn't accurate, because I was actually factoring in random-ass "what if" possibilities into paychecks. But they are gone, these moments and I just now realized why. I have been drastically changing my life for the past year for the better. It's all good stuff! However, I was still planning my budget according to how I'd been up until this past year. I've cut out some income spots that used to give me good ol' rando checks, but still included them in my plans. And so we return to the why of my insomnia. Decisions.

It's all simple and annoying: I have to make a few big boy decisions in the next couple of days. I have to evaluate my dreams, plans, job, etc, and some things won't make the cut. Some of these things are minor and include petty shit that I don't need. Others are much larger. Others include dreams that I have that I'll have to pass on if I can't figure something out. There's a very good chance that these dreams, these big things, will not be possible in any way right now. There's one very expensive one that I'd been working toward off and on that will most probably lose. Primarily because I just don't make enough. But that's a part of what being a real adult is. You must admit where you're weak in order to become stronger. This is my weakness.

It is not a good feeling, admitting weakness and accepting change. But it's not bad, either. It's also not that earth-shattering, when I get down to it, it just sucks. It blows, having to admit your plans are screwed and that you have to drop a portion of opportunities because you lack funding. It's the worst real world slap in the dick that you have to deal with. Money makes the world go round. Just as Joel Gray.

So here I am: being a good man, evaluating my situation, preparing to do the right thing, the adult, responsible, irritating-assed thing. I know the right decision, and I'll see it through in a proper way, but it doesn't make stepping down from a big dream any easier.

I'll be better for it in the short and long, though.

And it is with a sigh of relief, pride and slight cynical snark that I write these next words: It's time to grow up. It's time to be the man that I've always wanted to be, to be the hero that I idolize in my friends and family and mentors. I am a good man, a driven dreamer with more strength and control than I have allowed myself. I take my first step into adulthood, into the life that I've always wanted, that I've been working forward to for so long. I do so by removing my childish mindset in planning, by admitting my greatest fears and weaknesses and by not overcoming them, but by leaving them behind in favor of greater strength and humility.

I read this back over at 3:50 AM after writing it. Still couldn't sleep. It's a much needed change, the new path I'm setting out on. I like this new path. I'm a bit scared to leave some things of myself behind, but I know that it is the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do. The decision still fuckin' blows and I'm sad that I have to make it, but it is the right thing to do.

Running for the Spotlight Board

Below is the letter I drafted to the PSU student body regarding my bid for election to the Spotlight student organization.

Andrew Slac

Letter to Portland State University Student Body

This is a letter to my fellow students of Portland State University.

I am running for the position of Chair/Executive Producer of the Spotlight board of directors.

The arts have given me everything. As a performer they allowed me to travel the world and entertain, as a producer I've brought people together and helped them reach their goals, and as a teacher I've had the privilege to inspire others, to nurture their dreams and to learn an invaluable amount about myself.

I've been in the arts my entire life, in every capacity, and this world has allowed me to see and do incredible things. It is my desire, and my responsibility, to use the skills that I have and the knowledge I've gained to better the lives of those around me.

If I am elected as your Chair/Executive Producer, I will listen to you and do everything I can to help make real the inspired ideas you have. Every person and every idea has value. Most simply need to be heard, encouraged and guided. If I am elected, you will have an open ear and an honest voice; someone who does not coddle you, but someone who sees your true potential and who wishes and works to help you succeed.

I will do this through assisting in the production of your projects, as well as through creating new opportunities for performance, education and celebration. I will work to help make the projects you propose become a reality. I will push you, our student body, to be greater than you were at the beginning of the day, to value and celebrate the talent you have and the people you are. I will help you realize your dreams if you take the time to come to me and share them. I will work as hard as I can to improve our departments existing strengths and create change, as well as help us all evolve as artists, students and teachers. I will give of myself the skills that I have and the things that I have done to teach and inspire. Most importantly, I will help make you feel valued, respected and listened to.

My name is Andrew Slac, and I am running for the position of Chair/Executive Producer of the Spotlight board of directors.