SO, my friends and I were in Vegas. We were sitting in the lobby of the hotel we were staying at when a... I guess you could call her a security guard. She was without a gun, pepper-spray or cuffs and looked like a wind or perhaps her crack-head boyfriend could snap her in two with a slight shove (she was very skinny; malnourished, some might say). She did, however have a smock that read security. So... yeah, sure, she was security. Why not. I felt secure. Sure.
NOT THE POINT. The point is: she came over to us, patrons of the hotel, and told us to sit up and that we couldn't sleep in the lobby. Actually, first she asked if we were guests. "Yes we are," I replied. Then she told us we couldn't sleep int he lobby. We. Were. Not. Sleeping. In. The. Fucking. Lobby. Periods. Are. Being. Abused. To. Emphasize. Point. We were slumped, yes, but not sleeping. No slumping. Fair enough. Had she said no slumping... Whatever. So we said sorry and sat up and kept talking. Then she returned. One of us (can't remember who), had once again slumped, I guess, though I remember no one dropping more than maybe a solid inch in their seat. Again, "Hey," the bedraggled skag prodded, "You can't sleep in the lobby." Mind you, behind two of us there was a slovenly sack of a man full on snoring. Oh well. Whatareyagonnado?
This person was dead set on asserting her authority in some way. There was nary a soul in the hotel, it being the Life is Beautiful fest weekend and folks were getting their "drug-induced-dance-high-holy-crap-I'm-pregnant-wtf-happened" on, so I totally understand needing to look busy. No big deal. Doing her job, however useless. Who she thought she would stop from any true with her lonesome is beyond me, but that, again, is not the point.
The point is that she reminded me of something very important: Everyone needs to feel in control.
It's a simple thing that I always forget until I'm reminded. We all need control, one way or another. It's why some people have the jobs they have, or the hobbies and it's why so many people love to clean or love to do...anything their own way. Follower, leader, it doesn't really matter one way or the other, folks need to feel like their fate is in their own hands at least once or twice.
It's incredibly important if you're planning on being successful in anything, especially so if you're planning on reaching any point of great success (fame, wealth, or just being debt free etc). I deal with depression like a vast majority of Americans. I'm not sure it's clinical. No clue. Don't care. Not the point. What I do know is the power of momentum and how it's influenced by my feeling of control over my own situation. If I feel like I haven't done anything, haven't accomplished anything, I don't get a thing done. It's even hard to brainstorm when I haven't done anything that day or especially if it's been a humdrum week.
Control over a task can lead to completing said task, which has every chance of snowballing and creating momentum. Control + Task Completion (can)= Momentum. It's like a cyclical version of Yoda explaining the dark side. Control leads to success, success leads to momentum, momentum leads to control etc.
I do simple things, snowflakes really, to snowball my momentum. Doing dishes, laundry, blogging and so forth. Household tasks and the day to day, schedules and the like, make it very easy to move into more important things. Most everyone knows this. I sort of just forget it damn-near all the time. A reminder never hurts.
My personal favorite way to gain control is to give it up. Most people don't actively do this. Ever felt a relaxing calm wash over you when you just follow when you're on vacation? Or when you get a really good leader on a project? How bout something really simple like picking what the group eats that night? Displaying ultimate authority is the willingness in giving it away. A concept that I really love. Showing trust, allowing others to prove themselves grants you power in turn, grants you control. It's a fun experiment if you've never tried it. I highly recommend it.
All in all, the key to success is control. Big or small, you need to feel like you are still behind the wheel. Yes, it's okay and maybe even a good idea to give up control for a moment and let someone drive for a little bit. It lets you relax and take stock before getting back in the captains chair. Start small if you need and build it up. Whatever you need to do to feel strong, make sure that you do it.
Thanks, Plaza Security! I appreciate the life reminder. I hope you are having a good life.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Dirty, Nerdy Developers
Boy do I have a boner for in-jokes. I'll back up. The prompt for this post came while I was playing Shadow of Mordor.
It's a great game, whether or not you love/like/likelike the LOTR universe. It is also pretty much Assassin's Creed and a number of other franchises smashed together into a hybrid baby of very successful proportions. It is. Don't say otherwise. It's AC with more magic and that's fine by me.
Back to the point. I love in-jokes (having an afore mentioned fictional nerd erection when they are found in games). They (in-jokes) are proof that the developers give a damn beyond their paycheck. It is an easy argument that can be made that they obviously love their job or they would put their coding skills to use elsewhere. However, I love what I do and have done plenty of shit side jobs I hated to make a buck. In-jokes, easter eggs, those sorts of things, they prove a true caring for the craft/medium. So I go on...
In Shadow of Mordor, there is the Nemesis System. It's mighty fine. Could have been done a little better, but that's not the topic of this post nor is it anything more than opinion. For a more full explanation of it go here: http://www.ign.com/wikis/middle-earth-shadow-of-mordor/The_Nemesis_System
You have the possibility to get any one of several god-knows-how-many names/titles for your enemies. Most are threatening, powerful, grotesque, maybe even majestic! My nemesis was named Kuga-Luga (koo-GAH-loo-GAH) The Heart Eater. Not bad! And he was a dick! He'd almost kill me every time I found him (and he was never alone), and I could never land the killing blow! He was tenacious, vicious and crafty. And it felt good, nay, RIGHT when I finally separated his head from his body during the final push on the Black Hand's keep. Other names included Thrak of the Wastes (who carried a flaming sword), the canonical Ratbag the Coward (voiced by the amazing and omnipresent Phil Lamar), even Golm the Hotheaded was something of a badass (he had a brazer on his freaking head and was immune, even robust to everything). But there was one uruk, one super orc that stood above the rest with a name so perfect, so... Screw it, his name was Dûsh the Sickly.
Dûsh the Sickly. Pronounced, yes, douche (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douche) the mother-fucking sickly.
I know I'm not the only person to find this guy. He has gone by at least another name I googled: Dûsh of the Stench. No joke. Proof:
I'm guessing that my guy (the sickly) either came from or became "of the stench" at some point. At least, he would have had I not chopped his friggin' head off in less than a blink. He was such a pushover. I was saddened, too! I wanted to save this guy for my personal army! I wanted to make him a chieftain! Imagine, Chieftain Dûsh, the mightiest of the ranks, sitting atop his crooked throne and raining down... punishment? I guess? Sickness? Baking soda and water with a pleasant floral scent? On his enemies?
What made this even better was the fact that each and every uruk elite is herald by a very refined and semi-sinister announcer. It felt like hearing Andy Serkis announce my every enemy. Oh Dûsh, the hours (honest to god hours) of laughter you've given me. You will be missed. I also had a drink in his honor. Again, not kidding.
The developers had of been laughing. They had to! I mean... come on! Anyhow, whether or not you made it this far, here's a little link for your trouble. If you're interested in easter eggs, video games have some great ones. I'll do a post on them as a whole some other time.
EASTER EGGS: http://www.businessinsider.com/best-video-game-easter-eggs-ever-2014-7?op=1
For now, remember Dûsh as I remember him: as a light of joy that shone, though briefly, on my time in Mordor. Thank you... Sweet lord! Your name was Douche! Best! Best damned thing ever. (note: the author of this post is not, in fact, a 12 year old boy. He is a man in his 29th year with refined tastes for things such as whiskey, the arts and has the humor of a teenager at best... Douche sure is a funny word...)
Back to the point. I love in-jokes (having an afore mentioned fictional nerd erection when they are found in games). They (in-jokes) are proof that the developers give a damn beyond their paycheck. It is an easy argument that can be made that they obviously love their job or they would put their coding skills to use elsewhere. However, I love what I do and have done plenty of shit side jobs I hated to make a buck. In-jokes, easter eggs, those sorts of things, they prove a true caring for the craft/medium. So I go on...
In Shadow of Mordor, there is the Nemesis System. It's mighty fine. Could have been done a little better, but that's not the topic of this post nor is it anything more than opinion. For a more full explanation of it go here: http://www.ign.com/wikis/middle-earth-shadow-of-mordor/The_Nemesis_System
You have the possibility to get any one of several god-knows-how-many names/titles for your enemies. Most are threatening, powerful, grotesque, maybe even majestic! My nemesis was named Kuga-Luga (koo-GAH-loo-GAH) The Heart Eater. Not bad! And he was a dick! He'd almost kill me every time I found him (and he was never alone), and I could never land the killing blow! He was tenacious, vicious and crafty. And it felt good, nay, RIGHT when I finally separated his head from his body during the final push on the Black Hand's keep. Other names included Thrak of the Wastes (who carried a flaming sword), the canonical Ratbag the Coward (voiced by the amazing and omnipresent Phil Lamar), even Golm the Hotheaded was something of a badass (he had a brazer on his freaking head and was immune, even robust to everything). But there was one uruk, one super orc that stood above the rest with a name so perfect, so... Screw it, his name was Dûsh the Sickly.
Dûsh the Sickly. Pronounced, yes, douche (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douche) the mother-fucking sickly.
I know I'm not the only person to find this guy. He has gone by at least another name I googled: Dûsh of the Stench. No joke. Proof:
I'm guessing that my guy (the sickly) either came from or became "of the stench" at some point. At least, he would have had I not chopped his friggin' head off in less than a blink. He was such a pushover. I was saddened, too! I wanted to save this guy for my personal army! I wanted to make him a chieftain! Imagine, Chieftain Dûsh, the mightiest of the ranks, sitting atop his crooked throne and raining down... punishment? I guess? Sickness? Baking soda and water with a pleasant floral scent? On his enemies?
What made this even better was the fact that each and every uruk elite is herald by a very refined and semi-sinister announcer. It felt like hearing Andy Serkis announce my every enemy. Oh Dûsh, the hours (honest to god hours) of laughter you've given me. You will be missed. I also had a drink in his honor. Again, not kidding.
The developers had of been laughing. They had to! I mean... come on! Anyhow, whether or not you made it this far, here's a little link for your trouble. If you're interested in easter eggs, video games have some great ones. I'll do a post on them as a whole some other time.
EASTER EGGS: http://www.businessinsider.com/best-video-game-easter-eggs-ever-2014-7?op=1
For now, remember Dûsh as I remember him: as a light of joy that shone, though briefly, on my time in Mordor. Thank you... Sweet lord! Your name was Douche! Best! Best damned thing ever. (note: the author of this post is not, in fact, a 12 year old boy. He is a man in his 29th year with refined tastes for things such as whiskey, the arts and has the humor of a teenager at best... Douche sure is a funny word...)
Monday, September 22, 2014
A Mouth Full of Mind
It's important, this thing called: honesty. And it's a funny sombitch. I say so because we, as a people (people being Americans in this case first, humans second) are pretty darn outspoken when it comes to what we think on surface matters (mostly crap we want to buy). We become tongue tied (some of us) when we attempt to speak our true thoughts, impulses and that sort of thing about the things that truly matter. I don't mean the drunken splat that erupts when our inhibitions are removed due to good old social-lube (booze, you sick/awesome bastard). Side: it should be noted that I have had a few. Moving on. I mean the thoughts that we marinate on daily, sometimes hourly. The thoughts that we are sometimes afraid of just having, let alone letting out of our respective word-holes. Mostly the positive. While we may be honest, we are scared to say what we really think.
Also, this isn't a how to. It's just what was on my mind.
I don't lie. It's not my thing. It has nothing to do with morals, either, it's more coming from a general hatred of wasting time and abiding that which is useless. I used to lie like a champ and all that it got me was a mess of people who treated me, themselves and our respective passions like garbage. It made getting to know people useless... Really, that's it: It makes the time you spend useless. My next phase was omission. I may not have been lying, but I wasn't letting anything true about my convictions out. Where's the fun in that? Where's the fear, the danger, the joy and the learning? How the fuck do you expect to learn, grow, change, enact chaos and order without being truly honest with others?
(Babbling paragraph) Others, of course, come later. First is honesty with yourself, but I find that most people are very smart and very much know what they are about, so we can skip that. Honesty with others is another bastard that comes from confidence. It can also be a great path to confidence. It's really easy, actually, to be confident. It is! More on that later. Now it's all about honesty with others, which leads to said confidence. Ahem...
We are unconfident for many reasons, but personally I find that I am most unconfident when I have my "idiot days." These are those days when you feel inferior in some way. Stupid, fat, a failure, and so on. No matter your intelligence, weight, successes and so on, most people have those days where we feel less than we are. I don't know why these days happen, and for todays purposes: I don't care. Your people, your inner circle, family etc can bring you out of this funk in many ways. The longest lasting, in my experience, is from the best source: their strength, their success, their brilliance.
The average person has at least one friend. It can be safely assumed that this one friend brings something very positive to that persons life. I'm talking about said friends merits. In some way, this person/these people is/are superior to you. Deal with it. I've got friends who can do a style of dance better than me, can sing better, can cook better and so on. We all do. When you look at them and you recognize this, accept and embrace this, it empowers you. You surround yourself with the best! It says volumes of you, the company you keep. The path to embracing your own brilliance can be nurtured through the embracing and celebrating of your people.
The next bit, my favorite bit, is saying the things on your mind. To make a long post short: It's so easy to say what's on your mind if you start with your people. Compliment them, praise the ever loving hell out of them. From there, you can hold your head high and do the same about yourself. Of course, you can also do this in the opposite way, it's just how I handle things.
This was fun to write. In part because I'd been drinking and watching West Wing and Angel. I feel like my next post will be less babbling. Meh. Still fun.
Also, this isn't a how to. It's just what was on my mind.
I don't lie. It's not my thing. It has nothing to do with morals, either, it's more coming from a general hatred of wasting time and abiding that which is useless. I used to lie like a champ and all that it got me was a mess of people who treated me, themselves and our respective passions like garbage. It made getting to know people useless... Really, that's it: It makes the time you spend useless. My next phase was omission. I may not have been lying, but I wasn't letting anything true about my convictions out. Where's the fun in that? Where's the fear, the danger, the joy and the learning? How the fuck do you expect to learn, grow, change, enact chaos and order without being truly honest with others?
(Babbling paragraph) Others, of course, come later. First is honesty with yourself, but I find that most people are very smart and very much know what they are about, so we can skip that. Honesty with others is another bastard that comes from confidence. It can also be a great path to confidence. It's really easy, actually, to be confident. It is! More on that later. Now it's all about honesty with others, which leads to said confidence. Ahem...
We are unconfident for many reasons, but personally I find that I am most unconfident when I have my "idiot days." These are those days when you feel inferior in some way. Stupid, fat, a failure, and so on. No matter your intelligence, weight, successes and so on, most people have those days where we feel less than we are. I don't know why these days happen, and for todays purposes: I don't care. Your people, your inner circle, family etc can bring you out of this funk in many ways. The longest lasting, in my experience, is from the best source: their strength, their success, their brilliance.
The average person has at least one friend. It can be safely assumed that this one friend brings something very positive to that persons life. I'm talking about said friends merits. In some way, this person/these people is/are superior to you. Deal with it. I've got friends who can do a style of dance better than me, can sing better, can cook better and so on. We all do. When you look at them and you recognize this, accept and embrace this, it empowers you. You surround yourself with the best! It says volumes of you, the company you keep. The path to embracing your own brilliance can be nurtured through the embracing and celebrating of your people.
The next bit, my favorite bit, is saying the things on your mind. To make a long post short: It's so easy to say what's on your mind if you start with your people. Compliment them, praise the ever loving hell out of them. From there, you can hold your head high and do the same about yourself. Of course, you can also do this in the opposite way, it's just how I handle things.
This was fun to write. In part because I'd been drinking and watching West Wing and Angel. I feel like my next post will be less babbling. Meh. Still fun.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Needing and Getting
"I need..." is easily one of the most ill-used prompts for things that we usually really don't. I damn sure over-use it, and it's usually for q video game or a random item of some kind (more than likely a pair of fine-ass sneakers). Those are wants. Needs are actually incredibly simple, because we need only a handful of things as an animal species.
We, and by "we" I mean humans (homo sapiens, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human), need three things: sustenance, shelter and socialization. Our needs, yes, have modern adaptations, but they are still the same as any other creature on the planet (speaking very generally about mammals with pack/tribe mentality). In my quest for self-actualization (if, in fact, one can reach a level of such, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-actualization), I have "needed" so many things. So I decided to make a handy list that someone else, countless someones, had no doubt made before me. This is no guide to nutrition or lifestyle in terms of what you should do/eat/be etc. This is just a simple list of basic, no-frills needs.
I will also be including wants, because that shit is solid gold. All wants expressed here are mine. Enjoy.
Recognizing your needs V wants is huge. It will help you go from surviving to thriving (tm...by someone, I'm sure).
SUSTENANCE
NEED
Food and water. Pretty easy: your body needs fuel to run, and the worst thing you can do is deprive it of sweet, sweet sustenance. On the most basic, you need to fill that gut of yours with water and whatever your diet is. Do some diets promote healthier mind and body? Yes! But that's a completely different post. A good chunk of your need for water can be obtained through the food you eat if you have a proper assortment of greens, but most of us don't. I highly recommend learning to cook no matter what your diet is. It's fun (eventually and especially with people), usually healthier and it makes your wallet smile.
For water, I have to remind myself to hydrate constantly, which is stupid. I should just drink water because it is what most of my body is made of and is required to survive. To make it easier, I keep a 32oz contigo brand water-bottle next to me when I'm working/writing/arting and so on (http://www.gocontigo.com/water-bottles/). I make it as attractive as I can to trick myself into thinking it will be fun to drink from it: It's green (my favorite color), has a nifty grey top and has stickers of things I love on it. Weeeeee, water! Fun AND delicious! Really though, if you want to be anything (artist, athlete, banker, whatever), just remember to hydrate.
WANT
I hate water. I do. Well, I love swimming in it, and I love rain, and if I were a bender I'd be a water-bender, but as far as a drink goes: bored, next please. Tea is my jam, usually of the green variety, and my favorite is gyokuro matcha or a home made chai with real milk. I'm also a big fan of my sprits, and tend to favor whiskey, especially rye, with my current favorite being Bulleit Rye (http://www.bulleit.com/). I guarantee that I just originally tried it because all of my heroes liked whiskey of some kind, especially Frank Sinatra. I even brew my own beer (though only 1 out of three batches has been successful due to some unforeseen shite. You learn and grow, blah). I love beer. I like whiskey, but I love my beer. And my king pint was, is and will continue to be a good ol' Guinness (http://www.guinness-storehouse.com/en/Index.aspx).
Food? I love it all. If I had to pick one cuisine to stick with over all others for the rest of my life: Japanese. No question. It's perfect to me, from sushi to izakaya to snacks to beverages and so on and so on. I love Japan for many things, but food is #1. Cake. Also cake.
SHELTER
NEED
A home. Simple. Whatever it takes to have one, do it and get a place to hang your hat. I'm very lucky and have a good apartment in a decent part of Portland, which is a fairly chill town to begin with. A home provides safety and security and a much needed escape when times get shitty/real or when you just need down time. You already know this. The part that people don't talk about that much is the safety part, which has always been odd to me. I was always told that I needed a place to stay, but the need for a safe living area was never overly emphasized. It's all about location. I highly recommend getting a smaller place in a safe neighborhood well before I'd send someone to a shit-ball part of town with a swank condo, but that's just me. Whatever safety is to you (quiet neighborhood, city downtown, hustle and bustle or white picket-fence), seek that out and get it however you can.
Room mates are a funny thing. I typically prefer to live alone, but sometimes that's just not an option. When you are looking for your shelter, sometimes you need a few buddies or maybe randos to afford the one you want. Most people act like they're fine having room mates, or that they can share a place with just about anyone, but those most are really just some. We are still animals and we are territorial as all hell. If you don't jibe with someone, get yourself or kick them the fuck out. It's that simple. When I hear people complain about their roomies, I'm always curious as to why they don't do the latter or the former. I'm usually met with some version of "I can't afford to move out," which could be true, yes, but is more than likely bullshit. You're afraid. Been there, know how you feel and it sucks, but the only thing to be afraid of in that situation is not being honest and staying mired in human shit. Live where and with whom you actually want. In the case of room mates, want is a need in my opinion.
WANT
I see myself in something of a craftsman home with heavy Japanese architecture elements. Clean, efficient, maybe two stories but definitely open. Lately I've been musing about the container home (https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=container+home&FORM=HDRSC2) as being a part of it. I want it to be surrounded by green, with fig and Japanese cherry trees. I want a Japanese bath and a stone shower inside, a bamboo shower outside and a hot-spring of sorts. A dance studio is a must. Really, a space that can be used to train dance, martial arts and can be used for gatherings wins. I can see having the "dojo" double as a movie/gaming room, but usually I like to have training rooms remain that, and have a second space, the living room, be where I keep my big-ass tv and various gaming rigs. Most importantly, I need a large kitchen to entertain from and stretch out in. Counter-tops are negotiable but gas burners are a must, as is an old, European style dining table (rugged and solid, not fancy). Also a small brewery and bar. Yes. A must.
SOCIALIZATION
NEED
You need your people. Some don't. Some can go it alone their whole lives and be solid. I'm not one of those people. I need positive, uplifting folks who like me as much as I like them. I am currently lucking out here, as my friend-base is incredible. Your friends are a reflection of you and how you see yourself. Think you don't deserve many good things in life? Is your self-esteem in the toilet? Then you no doubt will have surrounded yourself with friends who take your energy and crap on your soul. Usually, a person has shit friends (people who tear them down), because they didn't choose like-minded souls. It should be your first priority to have cohorts who are likeminded. Yes, it could just be that you happened to find people who flat-out suck, but more than likely the ones you hang with just don't think like you and aren't driven in the same way. I'm not saying your people need to be you, but they should be similar. I, for example, get extremely excited about the projects that I do and the things that I love. I therefor surround myself with people who do the same, especially about the things that I love! Is is selfish? Yes and no. It is, but if you are getting support and energy from your people about your projects, no doubt you're giving that same energy and support back. It's win win. You don't need to have people who want the same wants that you do, but you do need friends who support in the same way that you do.
WANT
I'm pretty much perfect here. My friends and family are incredible and I have an amazing support crew. The only real want that I have for my social aspect is to be able to help my people realize their dreams.
THE 4th NEED
NEED
There is, of course, hidden and hard to find, NEED #4: Purpose. We need to feel connected to the world, as our minds expand and evolve, we need to feel like we've done something with our lives. Purpose can only be realized when we've taken care of our other three needs. Purpose can be anything, but we usually mark it as what we will do for the rest of our lives, and more than not: our job. Is purpose always your job? Hell no. More often than not, it has nothing to do with what you do for a living. There's probably a small handful that woke up one morning saying: I, Marcus Everyschmuck, will repair AC units, as it is my purpose. More often than not, your job is your meal ticket. Your purpose is whatever you want. That's it. It's whatever you truly love and want to do with your life, the thing that makes you the happiest and makes you fulfilled. It's different for everyone. Some are fathers/mothers, some bake, some fight, some run track, paint, sing, make money, fuck, write and so on.
For me, it's entertaining. No matter the thing I do, I feel the need, the drive, to make people feel something, to look into themselves and truly experience the world inside and out. That's what entertaining is to me. Sometimes its as simple as a much needed smile, or as grand as helping someone else gain true confidence in their own abilities and maybe even find their purpose. I, myself, want to be happy. My happiness is achieved through helping others enjoy even a fraction of the things the world has to offer.
WANT
To be happy with my loved ones. To be the best that I can be in the things that I spend my time doing. If life is a contest, I am currently winning.
We, and by "we" I mean humans (homo sapiens, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human), need three things: sustenance, shelter and socialization. Our needs, yes, have modern adaptations, but they are still the same as any other creature on the planet (speaking very generally about mammals with pack/tribe mentality). In my quest for self-actualization (if, in fact, one can reach a level of such, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-actualization), I have "needed" so many things. So I decided to make a handy list that someone else, countless someones, had no doubt made before me. This is no guide to nutrition or lifestyle in terms of what you should do/eat/be etc. This is just a simple list of basic, no-frills needs.
I will also be including wants, because that shit is solid gold. All wants expressed here are mine. Enjoy.
Recognizing your needs V wants is huge. It will help you go from surviving to thriving (tm...by someone, I'm sure).
SUSTENANCE
NEED
Food and water. Pretty easy: your body needs fuel to run, and the worst thing you can do is deprive it of sweet, sweet sustenance. On the most basic, you need to fill that gut of yours with water and whatever your diet is. Do some diets promote healthier mind and body? Yes! But that's a completely different post. A good chunk of your need for water can be obtained through the food you eat if you have a proper assortment of greens, but most of us don't. I highly recommend learning to cook no matter what your diet is. It's fun (eventually and especially with people), usually healthier and it makes your wallet smile.
For water, I have to remind myself to hydrate constantly, which is stupid. I should just drink water because it is what most of my body is made of and is required to survive. To make it easier, I keep a 32oz contigo brand water-bottle next to me when I'm working/writing/arting and so on (http://www.gocontigo.com/water-bottles/). I make it as attractive as I can to trick myself into thinking it will be fun to drink from it: It's green (my favorite color), has a nifty grey top and has stickers of things I love on it. Weeeeee, water! Fun AND delicious! Really though, if you want to be anything (artist, athlete, banker, whatever), just remember to hydrate.
WANT
I hate water. I do. Well, I love swimming in it, and I love rain, and if I were a bender I'd be a water-bender, but as far as a drink goes: bored, next please. Tea is my jam, usually of the green variety, and my favorite is gyokuro matcha or a home made chai with real milk. I'm also a big fan of my sprits, and tend to favor whiskey, especially rye, with my current favorite being Bulleit Rye (http://www.bulleit.com/). I guarantee that I just originally tried it because all of my heroes liked whiskey of some kind, especially Frank Sinatra. I even brew my own beer (though only 1 out of three batches has been successful due to some unforeseen shite. You learn and grow, blah). I love beer. I like whiskey, but I love my beer. And my king pint was, is and will continue to be a good ol' Guinness (http://www.guinness-storehouse.com/en/Index.aspx).
Food? I love it all. If I had to pick one cuisine to stick with over all others for the rest of my life: Japanese. No question. It's perfect to me, from sushi to izakaya to snacks to beverages and so on and so on. I love Japan for many things, but food is #1. Cake. Also cake.
SHELTER
NEED
A home. Simple. Whatever it takes to have one, do it and get a place to hang your hat. I'm very lucky and have a good apartment in a decent part of Portland, which is a fairly chill town to begin with. A home provides safety and security and a much needed escape when times get shitty/real or when you just need down time. You already know this. The part that people don't talk about that much is the safety part, which has always been odd to me. I was always told that I needed a place to stay, but the need for a safe living area was never overly emphasized. It's all about location. I highly recommend getting a smaller place in a safe neighborhood well before I'd send someone to a shit-ball part of town with a swank condo, but that's just me. Whatever safety is to you (quiet neighborhood, city downtown, hustle and bustle or white picket-fence), seek that out and get it however you can.
Room mates are a funny thing. I typically prefer to live alone, but sometimes that's just not an option. When you are looking for your shelter, sometimes you need a few buddies or maybe randos to afford the one you want. Most people act like they're fine having room mates, or that they can share a place with just about anyone, but those most are really just some. We are still animals and we are territorial as all hell. If you don't jibe with someone, get yourself or kick them the fuck out. It's that simple. When I hear people complain about their roomies, I'm always curious as to why they don't do the latter or the former. I'm usually met with some version of "I can't afford to move out," which could be true, yes, but is more than likely bullshit. You're afraid. Been there, know how you feel and it sucks, but the only thing to be afraid of in that situation is not being honest and staying mired in human shit. Live where and with whom you actually want. In the case of room mates, want is a need in my opinion.
WANT
I see myself in something of a craftsman home with heavy Japanese architecture elements. Clean, efficient, maybe two stories but definitely open. Lately I've been musing about the container home (https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=container+home&FORM=HDRSC2) as being a part of it. I want it to be surrounded by green, with fig and Japanese cherry trees. I want a Japanese bath and a stone shower inside, a bamboo shower outside and a hot-spring of sorts. A dance studio is a must. Really, a space that can be used to train dance, martial arts and can be used for gatherings wins. I can see having the "dojo" double as a movie/gaming room, but usually I like to have training rooms remain that, and have a second space, the living room, be where I keep my big-ass tv and various gaming rigs. Most importantly, I need a large kitchen to entertain from and stretch out in. Counter-tops are negotiable but gas burners are a must, as is an old, European style dining table (rugged and solid, not fancy). Also a small brewery and bar. Yes. A must.
SOCIALIZATION
NEED
You need your people. Some don't. Some can go it alone their whole lives and be solid. I'm not one of those people. I need positive, uplifting folks who like me as much as I like them. I am currently lucking out here, as my friend-base is incredible. Your friends are a reflection of you and how you see yourself. Think you don't deserve many good things in life? Is your self-esteem in the toilet? Then you no doubt will have surrounded yourself with friends who take your energy and crap on your soul. Usually, a person has shit friends (people who tear them down), because they didn't choose like-minded souls. It should be your first priority to have cohorts who are likeminded. Yes, it could just be that you happened to find people who flat-out suck, but more than likely the ones you hang with just don't think like you and aren't driven in the same way. I'm not saying your people need to be you, but they should be similar. I, for example, get extremely excited about the projects that I do and the things that I love. I therefor surround myself with people who do the same, especially about the things that I love! Is is selfish? Yes and no. It is, but if you are getting support and energy from your people about your projects, no doubt you're giving that same energy and support back. It's win win. You don't need to have people who want the same wants that you do, but you do need friends who support in the same way that you do.
WANT
I'm pretty much perfect here. My friends and family are incredible and I have an amazing support crew. The only real want that I have for my social aspect is to be able to help my people realize their dreams.
THE 4th NEED
NEED
There is, of course, hidden and hard to find, NEED #4: Purpose. We need to feel connected to the world, as our minds expand and evolve, we need to feel like we've done something with our lives. Purpose can only be realized when we've taken care of our other three needs. Purpose can be anything, but we usually mark it as what we will do for the rest of our lives, and more than not: our job. Is purpose always your job? Hell no. More often than not, it has nothing to do with what you do for a living. There's probably a small handful that woke up one morning saying: I, Marcus Everyschmuck, will repair AC units, as it is my purpose. More often than not, your job is your meal ticket. Your purpose is whatever you want. That's it. It's whatever you truly love and want to do with your life, the thing that makes you the happiest and makes you fulfilled. It's different for everyone. Some are fathers/mothers, some bake, some fight, some run track, paint, sing, make money, fuck, write and so on.
For me, it's entertaining. No matter the thing I do, I feel the need, the drive, to make people feel something, to look into themselves and truly experience the world inside and out. That's what entertaining is to me. Sometimes its as simple as a much needed smile, or as grand as helping someone else gain true confidence in their own abilities and maybe even find their purpose. I, myself, want to be happy. My happiness is achieved through helping others enjoy even a fraction of the things the world has to offer.
WANT
To be happy with my loved ones. To be the best that I can be in the things that I spend my time doing. If life is a contest, I am currently winning.
This post was not inspired by the OK Go song "Needing and Getting," but it does have an amazing video that threatens to inspire. Observe:
Sunday, August 3, 2014
You've Got Growing Up to Do.
It's 3:08 AM and I'm still awake. Not wide awake. 75% maybe? I'm still awake because I'm an insomniac. I'm an insomniac because I'm stressed most of the time I that I think about the next thing that I have to do. And the next thing is never alone. It's never one thing. It's a shotgun blast of many, many fulfilling project and opportunities. A metric fuck-ton of big dreams and slim to jack-shit budgets. The things I've taken on in my life have all lead me to greater things and incredible people and experiences. Payment is not one of these things.
I look forward, and I budget during the wee-hours. I do what responsible people do when they want something. I brainstorm and I ask the questions: Do I have enough cash to get this going? And if not: How much will I have to work/how much do I need/and what will I have to do to make this happen? I spend a great deal of time trying to budget my time, willpower and finances to fulfill many, many dreams, mine and those of others, and usually I come up on top! Or at the very least near the top with room to improve. And for years this has been fine. I've been happy while not having a savings and a solid 100% that I don't have any real monetary assets beyond three figures. As long as the projects got done, I was happy and reasonably healthy.
I'm still happy, and every day I get stronger, but today I realized something: The relative success of my projects and my ability to stay afloat financially has been largely luck based. I've made enough due to commissions/gifts/flukes and the like. When it's flowing, the luck and money, I'm smiling. But I've relied so heavily, subconsciously, on this luck based income that I had no plan for when/if/should it bottom out and leave me high and dry. And here we come to why I'm awake at now 3:16 AM (typing is hard when I'm stressed).
The money's gone. Okay, not gone, but definitely to a point that I need to be fairly concerned. I've never been here before. Not like this. And it's not that I'm afraid of being here or not used to it either, it's that I sit and ponder what loop hole for circumstance that I might be able to fall into and I'm just not finding one this time. I hit a wall, if you will, and the only thing that I can actually come up with is that my usual brand of dumb-luck just isn't working. As much of a planner as I am, I never truly factored in the "real world." The holy shit moments when budget is actually screwed. Every time the money as always come close to running out, I would get either a gift, or a random ass gig that let me float a bit more (save for a horrific year in college back in early 2000. Eggs, rice, occasional ramen. Always hungry. Always tired. Always stressed. Nervous breakdown. 'Nuff said).
It never once occurred to me that my budgeting wasn't accurate, because I was actually factoring in random-ass "what if" possibilities into paychecks. But they are gone, these moments and I just now realized why. I have been drastically changing my life for the past year for the better. It's all good stuff! However, I was still planning my budget according to how I'd been up until this past year. I've cut out some income spots that used to give me good ol' rando checks, but still included them in my plans. And so we return to the why of my insomnia. Decisions.
It's all simple and annoying: I have to make a few big boy decisions in the next couple of days. I have to evaluate my dreams, plans, job, etc, and some things won't make the cut. Some of these things are minor and include petty shit that I don't need. Others are much larger. Others include dreams that I have that I'll have to pass on if I can't figure something out. There's a very good chance that these dreams, these big things, will not be possible in any way right now. There's one very expensive one that I'd been working toward off and on that will most probably lose. Primarily because I just don't make enough. But that's a part of what being a real adult is. You must admit where you're weak in order to become stronger. This is my weakness.
It is not a good feeling, admitting weakness and accepting change. But it's not bad, either. It's also not that earth-shattering, when I get down to it, it just sucks. It blows, having to admit your plans are screwed and that you have to drop a portion of opportunities because you lack funding. It's the worst real world slap in the dick that you have to deal with. Money makes the world go round. Just as Joel Gray.
So here I am: being a good man, evaluating my situation, preparing to do the right thing, the adult, responsible, irritating-assed thing. I know the right decision, and I'll see it through in a proper way, but it doesn't make stepping down from a big dream any easier.
I'll be better for it in the short and long, though.
And it is with a sigh of relief, pride and slight cynical snark that I write these next words: It's time to grow up. It's time to be the man that I've always wanted to be, to be the hero that I idolize in my friends and family and mentors. I am a good man, a driven dreamer with more strength and control than I have allowed myself. I take my first step into adulthood, into the life that I've always wanted, that I've been working forward to for so long. I do so by removing my childish mindset in planning, by admitting my greatest fears and weaknesses and by not overcoming them, but by leaving them behind in favor of greater strength and humility.
I read this back over at 3:50 AM after writing it. Still couldn't sleep. It's a much needed change, the new path I'm setting out on. I like this new path. I'm a bit scared to leave some things of myself behind, but I know that it is the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do. The decision still fuckin' blows and I'm sad that I have to make it, but it is the right thing to do.
I look forward, and I budget during the wee-hours. I do what responsible people do when they want something. I brainstorm and I ask the questions: Do I have enough cash to get this going? And if not: How much will I have to work/how much do I need/and what will I have to do to make this happen? I spend a great deal of time trying to budget my time, willpower and finances to fulfill many, many dreams, mine and those of others, and usually I come up on top! Or at the very least near the top with room to improve. And for years this has been fine. I've been happy while not having a savings and a solid 100% that I don't have any real monetary assets beyond three figures. As long as the projects got done, I was happy and reasonably healthy.
I'm still happy, and every day I get stronger, but today I realized something: The relative success of my projects and my ability to stay afloat financially has been largely luck based. I've made enough due to commissions/gifts/flukes and the like. When it's flowing, the luck and money, I'm smiling. But I've relied so heavily, subconsciously, on this luck based income that I had no plan for when/if/should it bottom out and leave me high and dry. And here we come to why I'm awake at now 3:16 AM (typing is hard when I'm stressed).
The money's gone. Okay, not gone, but definitely to a point that I need to be fairly concerned. I've never been here before. Not like this. And it's not that I'm afraid of being here or not used to it either, it's that I sit and ponder what loop hole for circumstance that I might be able to fall into and I'm just not finding one this time. I hit a wall, if you will, and the only thing that I can actually come up with is that my usual brand of dumb-luck just isn't working. As much of a planner as I am, I never truly factored in the "real world." The holy shit moments when budget is actually screwed. Every time the money as always come close to running out, I would get either a gift, or a random ass gig that let me float a bit more (save for a horrific year in college back in early 2000. Eggs, rice, occasional ramen. Always hungry. Always tired. Always stressed. Nervous breakdown. 'Nuff said).
It never once occurred to me that my budgeting wasn't accurate, because I was actually factoring in random-ass "what if" possibilities into paychecks. But they are gone, these moments and I just now realized why. I have been drastically changing my life for the past year for the better. It's all good stuff! However, I was still planning my budget according to how I'd been up until this past year. I've cut out some income spots that used to give me good ol' rando checks, but still included them in my plans. And so we return to the why of my insomnia. Decisions.
It's all simple and annoying: I have to make a few big boy decisions in the next couple of days. I have to evaluate my dreams, plans, job, etc, and some things won't make the cut. Some of these things are minor and include petty shit that I don't need. Others are much larger. Others include dreams that I have that I'll have to pass on if I can't figure something out. There's a very good chance that these dreams, these big things, will not be possible in any way right now. There's one very expensive one that I'd been working toward off and on that will most probably lose. Primarily because I just don't make enough. But that's a part of what being a real adult is. You must admit where you're weak in order to become stronger. This is my weakness.
It is not a good feeling, admitting weakness and accepting change. But it's not bad, either. It's also not that earth-shattering, when I get down to it, it just sucks. It blows, having to admit your plans are screwed and that you have to drop a portion of opportunities because you lack funding. It's the worst real world slap in the dick that you have to deal with. Money makes the world go round. Just as Joel Gray.
So here I am: being a good man, evaluating my situation, preparing to do the right thing, the adult, responsible, irritating-assed thing. I know the right decision, and I'll see it through in a proper way, but it doesn't make stepping down from a big dream any easier.
I'll be better for it in the short and long, though.
And it is with a sigh of relief, pride and slight cynical snark that I write these next words: It's time to grow up. It's time to be the man that I've always wanted to be, to be the hero that I idolize in my friends and family and mentors. I am a good man, a driven dreamer with more strength and control than I have allowed myself. I take my first step into adulthood, into the life that I've always wanted, that I've been working forward to for so long. I do so by removing my childish mindset in planning, by admitting my greatest fears and weaknesses and by not overcoming them, but by leaving them behind in favor of greater strength and humility.
I read this back over at 3:50 AM after writing it. Still couldn't sleep. It's a much needed change, the new path I'm setting out on. I like this new path. I'm a bit scared to leave some things of myself behind, but I know that it is the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do. The decision still fuckin' blows and I'm sad that I have to make it, but it is the right thing to do.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Running for the Spotlight Board
Below is the letter I drafted to the PSU student body regarding my bid for election to the Spotlight student organization.
Andrew Slac
Letter to Portland State University
Student Body
This is a letter to my fellow students
of Portland State University.
I am running for the position of
Chair/Executive Producer of the Spotlight board of directors.
The arts have given me everything. As a
performer they allowed me to travel the world and entertain, as a
producer I've brought people together and helped them reach their
goals, and as a teacher I've had the privilege to inspire others, to
nurture their dreams and to learn an invaluable amount about myself.
I've been in the arts my entire life,
in every capacity, and this world has allowed me to see and do
incredible things. It is my desire, and my responsibility, to use the
skills that I have and the knowledge I've gained to better the lives
of those around me.
If I am elected as your Chair/Executive
Producer, I will listen to you and do everything I can to help make
real the inspired ideas you have. Every person and every idea has
value. Most simply need to be heard, encouraged and guided. If I am
elected, you will have an open ear and an honest voice; someone who
does not coddle you, but someone who sees your true potential and who
wishes and works to help you succeed.
I will do this through assisting in the
production of your projects, as well as through creating new
opportunities for performance, education and celebration. I will work
to help make the projects you propose become a reality. I will push
you, our student body, to be greater than you were at the beginning
of the day, to value and celebrate the talent you have and the people
you are. I will help you realize your dreams if you take the time to
come to me and share them. I will work as hard as I can to improve
our departments existing strengths and create change, as well as help
us all evolve as artists, students and teachers. I will give of
myself the skills that I have and the things that I have done to
teach and inspire. Most importantly, I will help make you feel
valued, respected and listened to.
My name is Andrew Slac, and I am
running for the position of Chair/Executive Producer of the Spotlight
board of directors.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Family
Family is an interesting concept for me. The question: "What is family?" has been asked for a long time, and I like all sides of it. For me, an only child, I have a tendency to add and cling on to new members all the time. See, for me, the ones we choose are just as important as the ones we are born with. It's not a new concept, by any means, nor do I arrogantly think that I am the only person to feel this way, but it is how I feel and I love my extended family as if they've always been there.
I was reminded today of what it means to be a part of a family.
Disclaimer: I love my blood family. Moving on.
Today was perfect, arriving in a slightly chilly Sacramento, followed by taking one of my favorite drives to Chico, CA.
Disclaimer: I hate my rental car. Ford Focus = Fail. First world problems.
I hit Chico as the sun was setting and I was pulling into the Garden Walk Mall parking lot. I had a great conversation with one of my favorite people over text (cause I'm all modern and shit), and had coffee at my favorite coffee joint.
Disclaimer: I'm right and the Naked Lounge is the best. Vietnamese for the win.
Everything was solid gold, as I have tendency to say, up till this point and only got better.
I was lucky enough to have dinner with my sister, Molly, and Mama Enochs. I love these people. We gave introductions and the standard, "Where are you staying?" came up. I said that I'd probably hit up Econolodge or something.
Disclaimer: I'd read my contract wrong, because I like to read them at 4AM, and had gotten into town a tad earlier than my room rate had allowed. I was without lodging.
Simply put, they said that it was stupid that I would spend money on a room and that I should stay at their place. Me being a shy, nervous man when it comes to asking for things from people I care about, I told them not to worry about it and that I'd be fine getting a hotel room. I was then told that what I had said was stupid and that I was staying with them. I love these people.
We had dinner, great conversation, and I got to catch up with two of my people.
Disclaimer: Turkey soup, rolls, cornbread and Sierra Nevada = win. Hardcore win.
It was also made clear that whenever I was in town that I could stay with them. After more talk and laughter, a bed was made up and Molly had to zonk out.
Disclaimer: Molly saves lives and needs to be in bed by 9pm usually. She was up until 9:30 for me. Love her.
As I was thanking Mama Enochs for her hospitality and repeating variations on "you're so amazing," "thank you," and "I'm so grateful," I was told the following sentence: "Oh of course! Andrew, you're family." I was then hugged. I then teared up.
You see, I'm very stupid and very hard on myself when it comes to friends, family and loved ones in general. I don't value the man that I am 100% of the time, not yet, anyhow, and I often don't understand that people care for me just as much as I care for them. It's a weird displacement of my value system and all that which just amounts to being thick headed after being bullied and blah blah sob sad sack miff.
I write this stuff and I feel like I owe an apology and a thank you to the people I love. So that's it, I'm sorry that I'm thick headed some times and I find myself something of an imposition. Working on it. I think I'm a good man, don't get me wrong, by no means do I think I'm "unworthy" or some tripe, just to be clear. But I know that I can get pretty out of touch with those in my corner.
So, thank you! Thank you to those in my life who I consider family, those I love and those I share passions with. You remind me that family is blood, yes, but more so a bond that is stronger than physical/material. You remind me that who I am and moreover how I am is a good thing, and gives me the gift of knowing you. Thank you. That's all that I can say. Thank you, and I promise that I'll pay it forward and return the favor.
Today was a good day. Today was perfect.
I was reminded today of what it means to be a part of a family.
Disclaimer: I love my blood family. Moving on.
Today was perfect, arriving in a slightly chilly Sacramento, followed by taking one of my favorite drives to Chico, CA.
Disclaimer: I hate my rental car. Ford Focus = Fail. First world problems.
I hit Chico as the sun was setting and I was pulling into the Garden Walk Mall parking lot. I had a great conversation with one of my favorite people over text (cause I'm all modern and shit), and had coffee at my favorite coffee joint.
Disclaimer: I'm right and the Naked Lounge is the best. Vietnamese for the win.
Everything was solid gold, as I have tendency to say, up till this point and only got better.
I was lucky enough to have dinner with my sister, Molly, and Mama Enochs. I love these people. We gave introductions and the standard, "Where are you staying?" came up. I said that I'd probably hit up Econolodge or something.
Disclaimer: I'd read my contract wrong, because I like to read them at 4AM, and had gotten into town a tad earlier than my room rate had allowed. I was without lodging.
Simply put, they said that it was stupid that I would spend money on a room and that I should stay at their place. Me being a shy, nervous man when it comes to asking for things from people I care about, I told them not to worry about it and that I'd be fine getting a hotel room. I was then told that what I had said was stupid and that I was staying with them. I love these people.
We had dinner, great conversation, and I got to catch up with two of my people.
Disclaimer: Turkey soup, rolls, cornbread and Sierra Nevada = win. Hardcore win.
It was also made clear that whenever I was in town that I could stay with them. After more talk and laughter, a bed was made up and Molly had to zonk out.
Disclaimer: Molly saves lives and needs to be in bed by 9pm usually. She was up until 9:30 for me. Love her.
As I was thanking Mama Enochs for her hospitality and repeating variations on "you're so amazing," "thank you," and "I'm so grateful," I was told the following sentence: "Oh of course! Andrew, you're family." I was then hugged. I then teared up.
You see, I'm very stupid and very hard on myself when it comes to friends, family and loved ones in general. I don't value the man that I am 100% of the time, not yet, anyhow, and I often don't understand that people care for me just as much as I care for them. It's a weird displacement of my value system and all that which just amounts to being thick headed after being bullied and blah blah sob sad sack miff.
I write this stuff and I feel like I owe an apology and a thank you to the people I love. So that's it, I'm sorry that I'm thick headed some times and I find myself something of an imposition. Working on it. I think I'm a good man, don't get me wrong, by no means do I think I'm "unworthy" or some tripe, just to be clear. But I know that I can get pretty out of touch with those in my corner.
So, thank you! Thank you to those in my life who I consider family, those I love and those I share passions with. You remind me that family is blood, yes, but more so a bond that is stronger than physical/material. You remind me that who I am and moreover how I am is a good thing, and gives me the gift of knowing you. Thank you. That's all that I can say. Thank you, and I promise that I'll pay it forward and return the favor.
Today was a good day. Today was perfect.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Writing/Tiny Revelation
I started working on my new book, finally, ironically finding that I had already written 18 pages at some point. No idea when, but who cares. I read what I had come up with thus far, and it wasn't bad! It was pretty darn good, actually! I spent a few hours today editing what I had already done, getting back into the groove. It wasn't until the breeze from my window came in and brought me a little back to reality that I realized how much I'd missed working on my stories. Then something new came, a realization that I'd rarely experienced. The Zone. That strange state of mind that obsessives talk about when they reach a sort of "Nirvana" during their work. It had taken a long time, but I realized that I experience this feeling every, single, time I write. Every last one. I get it when I perform regularly (dancing and acting), and a couple times here and there with other things, but with writing, it never isn't perfect.
I love to write, and everything about it, the good and the bad. It is my zen, my hatred, my creative practice and my most difficult mountain to climb. It gives me everything I want out of a hobby. I love the sound of keys clicking, the brainstorm, the solitude, the collaboration, the birth and growth of a story as it stretches across the screen or page. I love the long hours, the headaches, the espresso, the inspiration music, the wine, the nervous sharing, the let down and the build up.
I could list things of that sort for hours, what I loved, whether it was pleasant, pleasurable, painful or downright awful. And that's something that I hadn't realized until now. This, writing, is what I should be doing. I crave it during a dry spell like a man would water. Everything about it gives me something. I can brainstorm for days on end, entire worlds, whole lives, systems, rules, whatever I want. I can feel powerful. Powerful...yes, truly powerful. The fact is, in order to be a good writer...or just an obsessive one, you have to have a tiny bit of a god complex. You have to love to create. Craftsmen have this in general, it's just that, with writing, you're coming up with new ideas and twisting/forming/realizing a fictional world, as opposed to physically constructing a meal or sofa or doll or painting.
I look at people as they walk down the street and I deeply want to know their stories. Who they are, if they love someone, what their good at, what they do with their time and so on. A dream of mine is to have a venue for everyone to tell their stories (more on that later).
My ranting point is really simple and something I've been looking for for some time. I have a passion that I want to be my lifelong job. I've never had that before. I love dance. It's my passion. It makes me feel alive, like I'm flying and has given me more than I can possibly say. I do not want to dedicate my life to being a professional dancer. I never really did. I just wanted to be as bad assed as I could be, and I'm well on my way. It is my escape. Writing, story-telling, they are my way to create.
Yes I want to still try everything that I possibly can, but now I have a reason to do so. I want to experience as many sights, sounds, tastes and overall sensations and occurrences as I possibly can, so as to better expand the scope and quality of that which I love, hereto pointing at writing. I will be a writer, an idea man, a story teller, and I will not let anything stop me. I've not once felt like this to any one activity or profession. I call it a win.
I love to write, and everything about it, the good and the bad. It is my zen, my hatred, my creative practice and my most difficult mountain to climb. It gives me everything I want out of a hobby. I love the sound of keys clicking, the brainstorm, the solitude, the collaboration, the birth and growth of a story as it stretches across the screen or page. I love the long hours, the headaches, the espresso, the inspiration music, the wine, the nervous sharing, the let down and the build up.
I could list things of that sort for hours, what I loved, whether it was pleasant, pleasurable, painful or downright awful. And that's something that I hadn't realized until now. This, writing, is what I should be doing. I crave it during a dry spell like a man would water. Everything about it gives me something. I can brainstorm for days on end, entire worlds, whole lives, systems, rules, whatever I want. I can feel powerful. Powerful...yes, truly powerful. The fact is, in order to be a good writer...or just an obsessive one, you have to have a tiny bit of a god complex. You have to love to create. Craftsmen have this in general, it's just that, with writing, you're coming up with new ideas and twisting/forming/realizing a fictional world, as opposed to physically constructing a meal or sofa or doll or painting.
I look at people as they walk down the street and I deeply want to know their stories. Who they are, if they love someone, what their good at, what they do with their time and so on. A dream of mine is to have a venue for everyone to tell their stories (more on that later).
My ranting point is really simple and something I've been looking for for some time. I have a passion that I want to be my lifelong job. I've never had that before. I love dance. It's my passion. It makes me feel alive, like I'm flying and has given me more than I can possibly say. I do not want to dedicate my life to being a professional dancer. I never really did. I just wanted to be as bad assed as I could be, and I'm well on my way. It is my escape. Writing, story-telling, they are my way to create.
Yes I want to still try everything that I possibly can, but now I have a reason to do so. I want to experience as many sights, sounds, tastes and overall sensations and occurrences as I possibly can, so as to better expand the scope and quality of that which I love, hereto pointing at writing. I will be a writer, an idea man, a story teller, and I will not let anything stop me. I've not once felt like this to any one activity or profession. I call it a win.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Consequences and Learning
I'm a bit of a coward. Not on most things that truly matter, of course. I'm great with friends, family, seeking knowledge, survival, but I'm a coward when it comes to owning up to income and becoming successful. I'm amazing when it comes to uplifting those around me, but dear lord, am I ever shite at growing to the level of my dreams.
With all of that little in mind, I'm going to try to keep myself honest and admit the failings that I get, in the hopes that sharing said foibles will help me get over myself and move forward.
Starting small: my credit card spending was roughly over $2200 last month. Most of that was restaurants. Not rent or supplies or funding for hobbies/passions, just sandwiches, food carts, thai food etc. Yes, some of it was useful, but most was laziness or fear based food spending. I don't have that kind of money. Am I embarrassed? Yup. Will I get over it? Yup.
Something I'm not proud of: I get afraid of people sometimes. It sucks. I will be in my home, hungry and can easily walk across the street to the supermarket and grab fixins for a meal, but won't. I will be afraid of the outside world, afraid of just interacting. And yes, my supermarket is just across the street, barely three hundred feet from my apartment door. It's not all the time, but it does happen. All of my passions (with the exception of writing) are requisite on interaction with folk, so additional interaction at times becomes scary. I only have so much willpower and I'm usually spent by the time I get freaked out. My average daily food spending was roughly $30. That sucks. I'm also fudging that number, not wanting to do the math, which is for rich people (not accurate).
This whole new schedule thing, however, is helping pretty darn swiftly. If I can get a handle on a week, I can plan when and how I will spend my willpower, when to get my errands done etc.
A few days in, and I've only eaten at Subway 1 time due to a cramp in my planning. Oh well. $6.50 is a damn sight better than $30. I've also had 4 green juices this week. Green juice is the only thing I'm allowing myself to regularly purchase as it is a pain in the ass to juice things on my own, and is a healthy choice that sustains me but good. SO, math: Roughly only spent about $30 (fudging again) since Monday. Better. Getting better.
I was taking stock of all of this yesterday as I looked at my possible classes for next semester. I was getting pissy that I couldn't find a class that wasn't fitting into my teaching/work schedule. Then, putting my whine down, I realized that the shit line up was a gift to continue working to build my schedule. I was basically planning to overwhelm myself one more time, and flat out can't due to PSU's limited schedule.
A thank you to something I don't really believe in: Thank you, fate, for making sure that I don't overwork myself anymore. Well...any more than I already will with the activities I already invest time into.
Challenges: I realized today that I should post a weeks worth of challenges. I don't have time every day to post a blog entry. So we'll start from today and go from there. And remember, this is what you do ON TOP of the other normal exercise you do as is in your day.
Today (Friday): 50 Push-ups. Keeping it easy for a couple weeks.
Sat: 20 - 50meter sprints. I love these.
Sun: 50 Crunches
Mon: 50 Pull ups
Tues: 50 X-Jacks (jumping jacks on a diagonal, switching each time from left to right)
Wed: 50 Burpees (I love these. I honestly don't know why folks don't)
Thurs: 50 alternating lunges (these suck. Enjoy)
With all of that little in mind, I'm going to try to keep myself honest and admit the failings that I get, in the hopes that sharing said foibles will help me get over myself and move forward.
Starting small: my credit card spending was roughly over $2200 last month. Most of that was restaurants. Not rent or supplies or funding for hobbies/passions, just sandwiches, food carts, thai food etc. Yes, some of it was useful, but most was laziness or fear based food spending. I don't have that kind of money. Am I embarrassed? Yup. Will I get over it? Yup.
Something I'm not proud of: I get afraid of people sometimes. It sucks. I will be in my home, hungry and can easily walk across the street to the supermarket and grab fixins for a meal, but won't. I will be afraid of the outside world, afraid of just interacting. And yes, my supermarket is just across the street, barely three hundred feet from my apartment door. It's not all the time, but it does happen. All of my passions (with the exception of writing) are requisite on interaction with folk, so additional interaction at times becomes scary. I only have so much willpower and I'm usually spent by the time I get freaked out. My average daily food spending was roughly $30. That sucks. I'm also fudging that number, not wanting to do the math, which is for rich people (not accurate).
This whole new schedule thing, however, is helping pretty darn swiftly. If I can get a handle on a week, I can plan when and how I will spend my willpower, when to get my errands done etc.
A few days in, and I've only eaten at Subway 1 time due to a cramp in my planning. Oh well. $6.50 is a damn sight better than $30. I've also had 4 green juices this week. Green juice is the only thing I'm allowing myself to regularly purchase as it is a pain in the ass to juice things on my own, and is a healthy choice that sustains me but good. SO, math: Roughly only spent about $30 (fudging again) since Monday. Better. Getting better.
I was taking stock of all of this yesterday as I looked at my possible classes for next semester. I was getting pissy that I couldn't find a class that wasn't fitting into my teaching/work schedule. Then, putting my whine down, I realized that the shit line up was a gift to continue working to build my schedule. I was basically planning to overwhelm myself one more time, and flat out can't due to PSU's limited schedule.
A thank you to something I don't really believe in: Thank you, fate, for making sure that I don't overwork myself anymore. Well...any more than I already will with the activities I already invest time into.
Challenges: I realized today that I should post a weeks worth of challenges. I don't have time every day to post a blog entry. So we'll start from today and go from there. And remember, this is what you do ON TOP of the other normal exercise you do as is in your day.
Today (Friday): 50 Push-ups. Keeping it easy for a couple weeks.
Sat: 20 - 50meter sprints. I love these.
Sun: 50 Crunches
Mon: 50 Pull ups
Tues: 50 X-Jacks (jumping jacks on a diagonal, switching each time from left to right)
Wed: 50 Burpees (I love these. I honestly don't know why folks don't)
Thurs: 50 alternating lunges (these suck. Enjoy)
Monday, March 10, 2014
Preamble...Prelude? Words.
It's Spring...ish, and therefor its full of cleaning for many of us. For me, my messiest thing isn't my cluttered apartment or my nill to nothing portfolio. It's my schedule. I am a human shotgun blast. My interests have always been spread wide, far and as thin as can be. This has afforded me a great many experiences, and I regret nothing. It has also lead me to the things that I love because I just tried random shit, to put it crudely. It has also given me more headaches and stress than any one man should experience, a near ulcer, those old fashioned "bi-polar days" and, of course: depression due to simple lack of will power.
Today is the first day of a simple shift in schedule and habit. It's time to focus on the ol' vessel, the body, the machine, health monster etc. I'm using March as a sort of "jump off" for a new me. This time, as opposed to the other many many times I've tried this, I'm taking it all slow. One thing at a time. Working focus and clarity well before a full turn around.
The beginning is easy: no eating out for 2 weeks. Only cooking at home, with the exception of green juice. It's the 1 treat I get. Woot. The short of it is that I am broke, as hard as can be, and it's because I drop horrifying amounts of cash on restaurants. It's been my thing for some time, and I love food that is cooked for me, and being able to eat anything that I want, whenever etc. Too expensive, and I need to save some cash. I often forget I'm a starving artist because I spend all of my cash on said food, therefor removing the starving but leaving a broke-ass artist instead. Not a great change.
Anyhow, I've begun, and I've had two of them green juices from Energy Bar, adjacent to PSU, and another from Green Leaf, near Pioneer Courthouse Square. Feels good like it should. Blah. I'm hungry! I also may have started my day with 2 Safeway brand chocolate croissants. Not great, but fattening and delicious.
That in mind, I look forward to my first real meal of the day: chicken stir fry, brown rice and a wasabi sauce I make that's just damn fine.
Also, a part of this whole endeavor is adding challenges on top of any exercise that I may do during the day (which I encourage folk to join in on, should they be feeling froggy). Today's is easy: 50 push ups over the course of the day. All the challenges need to be done by the end of the day I post, unless I say otherwise. Not hard, 50 push ups. Simple as all hell.
Call it a prelude or preamble or something, anything really that you want. Baby steps. That's where I'm at.
Today is the first day of a simple shift in schedule and habit. It's time to focus on the ol' vessel, the body, the machine, health monster etc. I'm using March as a sort of "jump off" for a new me. This time, as opposed to the other many many times I've tried this, I'm taking it all slow. One thing at a time. Working focus and clarity well before a full turn around.
The beginning is easy: no eating out for 2 weeks. Only cooking at home, with the exception of green juice. It's the 1 treat I get. Woot. The short of it is that I am broke, as hard as can be, and it's because I drop horrifying amounts of cash on restaurants. It's been my thing for some time, and I love food that is cooked for me, and being able to eat anything that I want, whenever etc. Too expensive, and I need to save some cash. I often forget I'm a starving artist because I spend all of my cash on said food, therefor removing the starving but leaving a broke-ass artist instead. Not a great change.
Anyhow, I've begun, and I've had two of them green juices from Energy Bar, adjacent to PSU, and another from Green Leaf, near Pioneer Courthouse Square. Feels good like it should. Blah. I'm hungry! I also may have started my day with 2 Safeway brand chocolate croissants. Not great, but fattening and delicious.
That in mind, I look forward to my first real meal of the day: chicken stir fry, brown rice and a wasabi sauce I make that's just damn fine.
Also, a part of this whole endeavor is adding challenges on top of any exercise that I may do during the day (which I encourage folk to join in on, should they be feeling froggy). Today's is easy: 50 push ups over the course of the day. All the challenges need to be done by the end of the day I post, unless I say otherwise. Not hard, 50 push ups. Simple as all hell.
Call it a prelude or preamble or something, anything really that you want. Baby steps. That's where I'm at.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Depression
Tonight, on a very special Idea Man...
I started writing this blog to keep myself honest and to take stock of what and who I am. It's helped me realize that I've been dealing with some serious depression for a while now. How long is irrelevant, but it's gone on long enough that I have been unable to see my own value. Lemme put it another way: depression = being unable to live in the now but you still feel the pain of hating yourself while denying there is a problem, so you lie to yourself and attempt 100,000 things to prove your personal worth, but ready yourself for failure because you know that when you take on said throng of projects you get spread too far thin and melt inside and out.
The short, non-run-on sentence, of it is that I am taking the time to admit to myself that there is a serious problem with me that I'm dealing with.
I'll be the first to admit that I've been one to call bullshit to the whole "depression thing," instead saying arrogant ass-hat things such as: "Just change what you're doing." "Be happy!" and various other insensitive things. The easy of it is that I was afraid to admit how I felt, blah blah blah ya know.
BREAK FOR 2 MONTHS
It's been almost 2 months since I tried to write this post. The truth is obvious, of course, that I got depressed while writing about my depression and was afraid to finish the post.
The above stuff is true, but here's the 100%: I'm terrified most of the time of failing, among other things, and usually think that nothing will change because things have been so back and forth in extremes. I usually feel like a failure, and it is like they describe on anti-depressant commercials. I do feel like I'm sinking into a blackness not unlike a crushing abyss a great deal of the time, WHEN I get into that mood. I'm not a depressed person in general, but there are some things that have played Mary-hob with who I am.
A few years back, I got a divorce and my shrink told me that I would eventually feel the full weight of the pain, anger and so on that I'd endured, but I would most probably never see it coming. He made it very clear that I would become very depressed when I finally lowered my guard and took stock of that time. I did and here we are.
I've lost out on opportunities, both professional and personal, and have most probably hurt my careers more than I know. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of several times, each time taking the position of the victim until I ended up burning bridges that could have been salvaged, had I stood my ground and asserted myself to begin with. I'm not writing to speak of (a project here and there barely counts even if they are fun/enriching), and I don't train near enough. This is an issue.
I've gotten most of it under control in the past month, but I can still feel it behind most things I do, this feeling. Lack of sun meant taking a D vitamin and getting a sun lamp (a must if you live in the PNW). Lack of energy is fixed through exercise (dance, crossfit and stretching). And clarity can usually be fixed with proper diet and me time (which I rarely do well). Those are the answers, but I'm still having trouble balancing, and I frequently find myself back in the hole, as it were.
I am very embarrassed to write all of this. I'm not an unhappy person, just to be clear. My depression manifests typically as a lethargic lump like version of myself, where I am quite honestly afraid to go outside, and I think that my closest friends find me irritating and hate me. My most typical symptom is confusion and fatigue, usually making it extremely difficult to come up with the words that I really want to say. I don't get much sleep these days because I'm constantly in my head. I prefer to live in the here and now, but for the past four months that's been very difficult. I can't stop looking back while being afraid of the future.
I'm writing this because it's time that I move forward. I'm very scared that I'll fail at most things, but I'm also very scared that I will become (and in some cases remain) everything that I hate.
The best that I can say is that I am terrified, but trying my hardest to grow. That's all that I can ask of myself right now, just to grow and continue to learn. I am a happy, positive person, and I'm pretty darn excited to just improve.
If you read this post: Thank you. I appreciate your time.
I started writing this blog to keep myself honest and to take stock of what and who I am. It's helped me realize that I've been dealing with some serious depression for a while now. How long is irrelevant, but it's gone on long enough that I have been unable to see my own value. Lemme put it another way: depression = being unable to live in the now but you still feel the pain of hating yourself while denying there is a problem, so you lie to yourself and attempt 100,000 things to prove your personal worth, but ready yourself for failure because you know that when you take on said throng of projects you get spread too far thin and melt inside and out.
The short, non-run-on sentence, of it is that I am taking the time to admit to myself that there is a serious problem with me that I'm dealing with.
I'll be the first to admit that I've been one to call bullshit to the whole "depression thing," instead saying arrogant ass-hat things such as: "Just change what you're doing." "Be happy!" and various other insensitive things. The easy of it is that I was afraid to admit how I felt, blah blah blah ya know.
BREAK FOR 2 MONTHS
It's been almost 2 months since I tried to write this post. The truth is obvious, of course, that I got depressed while writing about my depression and was afraid to finish the post.
The above stuff is true, but here's the 100%: I'm terrified most of the time of failing, among other things, and usually think that nothing will change because things have been so back and forth in extremes. I usually feel like a failure, and it is like they describe on anti-depressant commercials. I do feel like I'm sinking into a blackness not unlike a crushing abyss a great deal of the time, WHEN I get into that mood. I'm not a depressed person in general, but there are some things that have played Mary-hob with who I am.
A few years back, I got a divorce and my shrink told me that I would eventually feel the full weight of the pain, anger and so on that I'd endured, but I would most probably never see it coming. He made it very clear that I would become very depressed when I finally lowered my guard and took stock of that time. I did and here we are.
I've lost out on opportunities, both professional and personal, and have most probably hurt my careers more than I know. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of several times, each time taking the position of the victim until I ended up burning bridges that could have been salvaged, had I stood my ground and asserted myself to begin with. I'm not writing to speak of (a project here and there barely counts even if they are fun/enriching), and I don't train near enough. This is an issue.
I've gotten most of it under control in the past month, but I can still feel it behind most things I do, this feeling. Lack of sun meant taking a D vitamin and getting a sun lamp (a must if you live in the PNW). Lack of energy is fixed through exercise (dance, crossfit and stretching). And clarity can usually be fixed with proper diet and me time (which I rarely do well). Those are the answers, but I'm still having trouble balancing, and I frequently find myself back in the hole, as it were.
I am very embarrassed to write all of this. I'm not an unhappy person, just to be clear. My depression manifests typically as a lethargic lump like version of myself, where I am quite honestly afraid to go outside, and I think that my closest friends find me irritating and hate me. My most typical symptom is confusion and fatigue, usually making it extremely difficult to come up with the words that I really want to say. I don't get much sleep these days because I'm constantly in my head. I prefer to live in the here and now, but for the past four months that's been very difficult. I can't stop looking back while being afraid of the future.
I'm writing this because it's time that I move forward. I'm very scared that I'll fail at most things, but I'm also very scared that I will become (and in some cases remain) everything that I hate.
The best that I can say is that I am terrified, but trying my hardest to grow. That's all that I can ask of myself right now, just to grow and continue to learn. I am a happy, positive person, and I'm pretty darn excited to just improve.
If you read this post: Thank you. I appreciate your time.
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